Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear Diary Sept 26th 2010 - Healing Process? Thoughts on Marriage?

Dear Diary,

I am doing well in my healing process... Yesterday I was finally able to take a shower by myself instead of sitting on the side of the tub giving myself a half ass bath.  Its nice that after 2 and a half weeks I am actually feeling clean.  Today was the first day I went out driving by myself.  I admit I was "hopped up" on Tylenol but I did fine.  It was weird but I did great and it made me feel great!  Tonight I made a nice dinner, I thought to myself today Beau will be having Gastric Bypass in 15 days... and I remember 2 weeks before my surgery I put myself on a liquid diet because I was so fearful about dying I was consumed with the thought that if I lose as much weight as I could before surgery I could shrink my liver and kidneys and lower my risks of dying.  I gave up the last two weeks I had with my natural born stomach.  A decision I regret, so I hope to give Beau whatever he wants before his surgery, because I know that even though this is the best decision of my life and I am VERY happy with giving up certain foods I wish I wouldnt have been so fearful and would have enjoyed my last snickers bar without fear. 

But as for me and my healing process is going well just hate the drains I have to keep in another 4 days or so... and the binder I have to wear for the next 6-8 weeks.  And I am not completely happy with the progress,  know it is a process and it only just begun.  I HATE surgery with a passion - being wheeled into the operating room - sliding myself over to the hard table and putting my arms up like I am on a cross and having them put the oxygen over my face as the tears run down my face asking in a panic "Are you putting me to sleep now???" as I quickly drift away.  The fear, just before falling asleep, quickly desolves - just as I gasp for air waking up screaming from the pain being told by the nurse "Stop Screaming your scaring the other patients"  Then I fall back asleep from the heavy dosing of pain meds.  Did I mention I HATE surgery!! 

So let me stop thinking about that - One too many and more to go makes me depressed... On to other news...

I am finding myself watching all these stupid wedding shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Four Weddings" mostly crap on TLC.  I find myself wondering about myself and marriage.  Well about a week ago while watching I thought to myself - OMG I am actually going to be able to dress up and look Great in a dress... I will actually not be a Fat bride... this is something I never ever really thought for myself.

The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind was racing a mile a minute about marriage and why I wasnt already married and what I have done to prevent it or if I should get married, if I should say yes if I am ever worth being asked... then I quickly said No.  I should Not get married.  In shock I thought more about my quick subconcious response to a question I would certainly say the opposite if given the chance....  Thats when I realized that I am in absolutely no position to bring anyone else into my world of debt.  I wouldnt mind being engaged for a really long time while I fix my mess of distruction to my credit score from before my rebirth. (Surgery)

It was like I woke up Finally.  Stop thinking about myself and start thinking about the other person joining his life to mine, I would never want to make him take on what I messed up.  So, being engaged or dating someone is one thing, but I refuse to marry until I at least get on the right path of fixing my screwed up finances.  Epiphany?  I think so.

Thanks for listening to me ramble as usual....
Jessica

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Diary Entry - 9/15/2010 - It feels like Christmas...

For some reason sitting all cozy in this big comfy chair in my pjs, with my feet up and wrapped in a blanket - I am getting this feeling that: outside it is covered in white fluffy snow, zero degrees or below, and the moon is glistening off the top of the snow giving the trees and sky -  a beautiful silver hue. 

With this thought in mind it brings me back to late fall in the North East, where the snow blankets the ground and vehicles where as you walk by them you cant help but break up the beauty and form a snow ball to throw at an unsuspecting person.  Then my thoughts begin to sway thinking about how much I want to do... Things before like throwing that snow ball was too much work, where as now I can't wait to cover myself in the freezing mess as I make the best snow angel possible, while laughing as hard as I can with great people.  Where before the heavy breathing and mind begging me not to fall because getting up would be nearly impossible would slowly kill me inside.

Today I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time and thought, "I can do this."  Something I have never actually thought to myself.  This simple thought of possiblility never crossed my mind with such certainty.

My life is New.  It is a new beginning, and I am so blessed to wake up every day with this level of focus and determination.  I am ready for those long walks through the mall during christmas hours, or the lenghty standing in line at walmart after the holidays, or Spring cleaning when the weather outside is so crisp and the cool breeze begs you to open the windows and clean out every corner of your home...  I am excited for children and chasing them through the department store when they are bad or staying up all night with them chasing off the boggie monsters.

I used to live every second for the second... Today when I looked at myself in the mirror I thought to myself, I am ready for my future, I am ready for losing the old Jessica, the angry Jessica, the "I hate society" Jessica... and I have successfully welcomed in the understanding, the unjudgmental, the non-greiving Jessica.  I am the future Jessica, the Jessica I wished for but never expected to show.  I am Happy with me.  There are little changes I will make from here on out, but I am finally ready.  I am finally ready for Life... I am ready to live. 

People would ask me pre-Gastric Bypass... what was my reason for wanting to have weightloss surgery - My answer was I want to be able to Run if I want to... so...

I am ready to Run.