Monday, December 6, 2010

Dear Diary - 12/6/10 - Acceptance and relationships.

Dear Diary,

When you are in a relationship there has to come a time where you learn to accept one another for who they are, faults and all.  Do their faults overcome their purpose in your life?  Do the faults they care with them outway how much they mean to you?  What if their faults - will you come to terms with them and accept that person for who they are?

This the is the same case in every relationship both sexual and non-sexual.  A relationship is based on acceptance.  If the faults out way the need for them in your life, or make it so you can not see past them - when do you give up?  In a friendship you can walk away and come back for short period of time where this "fault or faults" are not as obvious as if when you are in a physcial relationship with someone on a constant basis. 

So the question remains, when do you give up? Life is so short so when do you throw you hands up?

Does it matter that you know in your heart you could never live without them?  Does it matter that when you wake up and they happen to still be there in the morning you feel secure and a since of happiness you couldnt find anywhere else?  Does it matter that you are scared - scared of wasting their time and yours.  Expecally when you have wasted time in the past.

What happens if the thought of leaving feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and the pain becomes so unbareable you want to scream out in pain and drop to the floor in tears, where breathing almost seems like something you have to beg for.  What to think... think about getting on another bus leaving behind everything you have worked for in the last year, leaving behind what you thought was going to be your forever....

So it brings me back to the idea - is my faults worth accepting or can you not accept them...is there someone out there whom may have absoluely no faults, and the faults will not cause you the mental stress that mine does to you.

My heart rips appart thinking I am 27 years old, and although I have changed so much over the past two years, the petty things you think are so big, to me seem like nothing to me - could actually ruin everything we have come to.

So... I guess I am at the point now of confusion and dispair.  What I thought was to come - everything that should come when you are 27 years old, and where things seem to be going - makes me wonder if I am the one at fault so maybe I should take the time alone to understand why I can not be everything someone would want from me....

My heart is torn, broken, confused, distraught, and in a place of complete darkness - can you fix that darkness?  Not if everything is as it is said... not if ones feelings are their own - I can not change your feelings, and I can not change me completely to the perfection you are looking for, so what is a person to do?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Dear Diary Nov 21st 2010

In a room full of people it feels like no one else is around and I have never had this feeling ever before.  But I hope it stays and lasts forever.  You are my heart and soul, and you have taught me a new meaning for love that I love to fight because it scares me.... but if you are willing to support me while I get through this and risk the fall... it will be worth it I swear.

i love you.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Dear Diary 11/12/2010

Dear Diary...

Today while sitting in the Dunkin Donuts drive through, I was waiting for two middle aged women to figure out how to ring up my order of a single Ice Coffee and I thought to myself... They are middle aged women working at Dunkins with teenagers - How did they get there?  How did they get to the point of being in their late forties, waking up and putting on their, burnt coffee smelling, uniform - coming into work to make iced coffee and bagging donuts?  Every person has a story, every person has a situation that gets them to where they are in their lives at this very moment in time.  As I drove off, I thought to myself where do I want to be a year from now - and while in this position do I want someone to see me and think to themselves, "how did she get there?"  I need to focus more on where I want to be and not where I have been or who I was. 

Anyways - Thanks-giving and Christmas are coming. Around this time every year I think to myself, I wish I had children.  I wish I had a house, where a Christmas tree was set to go up the day after Thanks-giving and the kids are excited about making and putting their own Christmas decorations on the tree.  I absolutely love the idea of wrapping and filling the bottom of the tree with gifts and not to mention Christmas Morning...  Now I sleep in and wake up with my hair a mess and sit on the couch with coffee... but if I had children, they would wake me up screaming Santa was here after my husband and I stayed up most of the night waiting for them to fall asleep and us setting up their gifts all over the room knowing how excited they would be... but I would still get up with my hair a mess, drinking my coffee and watching their little faces grinning ear to ear as they open their gifts - only getting a frown when they open their socks...

So much to look forward to but so much to accomplish before I get there...  Its time to start focusing on my future and no longer my past.

Life is so precious - heres to no more wasted time.

Jessica

Monday, November 8, 2010

Dear Diary 11/08/2010

Dear Diary,

So things are panning themselves out for me.  I have plans for my next surgery in the feb, but between now and then I am working hard to move in the company I work for and get as much over time as possible.  I am saving to plan for a house.  Can you believe it!  I want something that I can call my own. I wanted to buy a car first but I think for now I have a vehicle I have no monthly payments on, so I want to go a bit further in the position I am in.  I want to buy a house.  My plans?  To save as much money as I possibly can while paying down on some debt.  I think my priorities are starting to take first in my life rather than living every second for what it is.  I want a home so I can have a place to lay my head that I know is mine, and then I want to lay my childrens' heads' in their beds in their home.  So I guess life is starting to make since and what I want is starting to come out.  So for a while here I plan to work as hard as I can to get where I want to bed in a year which is A - either in a new home or in the process of searching for the right one, B - Finished with surgeries for the time being and content where I am in the progress. C - looking into what career choices I have, including being a ways into writing my book. 

So I have a lot of goals between now and a year from now... I guess I better get too it huh?

I love my life...
Jessica

Saturday, November 6, 2010

dear diary 11/06/2010

So I am sittimg here at work playing with new cell phones and doing pretty much whatever because the computers are down.  so I figured no time is better than now to use a Droid 2 to type a blog.  its hard on my fingers but like how it slides open but still prefer a touch screen like a HTC Incredible.  My phone rocks. Anyways I wish it was 1130 im over sitting here bored .  so life is pretty good saving to go to Boston in Jan which will be fun and saving just to save ... I need a nest egg and i dont have one.  I think when u finally face the future and see how your life will only pan out if you make it... u start to realize how much control u actually have.  life is too short to live miserable.  well these buttons are making my fingers hurt... just realized i dont like the droid 2 at all... hmmm


jess

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear Diary Sept 26th 2010 - Healing Process? Thoughts on Marriage?

Dear Diary,

I am doing well in my healing process... Yesterday I was finally able to take a shower by myself instead of sitting on the side of the tub giving myself a half ass bath.  Its nice that after 2 and a half weeks I am actually feeling clean.  Today was the first day I went out driving by myself.  I admit I was "hopped up" on Tylenol but I did fine.  It was weird but I did great and it made me feel great!  Tonight I made a nice dinner, I thought to myself today Beau will be having Gastric Bypass in 15 days... and I remember 2 weeks before my surgery I put myself on a liquid diet because I was so fearful about dying I was consumed with the thought that if I lose as much weight as I could before surgery I could shrink my liver and kidneys and lower my risks of dying.  I gave up the last two weeks I had with my natural born stomach.  A decision I regret, so I hope to give Beau whatever he wants before his surgery, because I know that even though this is the best decision of my life and I am VERY happy with giving up certain foods I wish I wouldnt have been so fearful and would have enjoyed my last snickers bar without fear. 

But as for me and my healing process is going well just hate the drains I have to keep in another 4 days or so... and the binder I have to wear for the next 6-8 weeks.  And I am not completely happy with the progress,  know it is a process and it only just begun.  I HATE surgery with a passion - being wheeled into the operating room - sliding myself over to the hard table and putting my arms up like I am on a cross and having them put the oxygen over my face as the tears run down my face asking in a panic "Are you putting me to sleep now???" as I quickly drift away.  The fear, just before falling asleep, quickly desolves - just as I gasp for air waking up screaming from the pain being told by the nurse "Stop Screaming your scaring the other patients"  Then I fall back asleep from the heavy dosing of pain meds.  Did I mention I HATE surgery!! 

So let me stop thinking about that - One too many and more to go makes me depressed... On to other news...

I am finding myself watching all these stupid wedding shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Four Weddings" mostly crap on TLC.  I find myself wondering about myself and marriage.  Well about a week ago while watching I thought to myself - OMG I am actually going to be able to dress up and look Great in a dress... I will actually not be a Fat bride... this is something I never ever really thought for myself.

The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind was racing a mile a minute about marriage and why I wasnt already married and what I have done to prevent it or if I should get married, if I should say yes if I am ever worth being asked... then I quickly said No.  I should Not get married.  In shock I thought more about my quick subconcious response to a question I would certainly say the opposite if given the chance....  Thats when I realized that I am in absolutely no position to bring anyone else into my world of debt.  I wouldnt mind being engaged for a really long time while I fix my mess of distruction to my credit score from before my rebirth. (Surgery)

It was like I woke up Finally.  Stop thinking about myself and start thinking about the other person joining his life to mine, I would never want to make him take on what I messed up.  So, being engaged or dating someone is one thing, but I refuse to marry until I at least get on the right path of fixing my screwed up finances.  Epiphany?  I think so.

Thanks for listening to me ramble as usual....
Jessica

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Diary Entry - 9/15/2010 - It feels like Christmas...

For some reason sitting all cozy in this big comfy chair in my pjs, with my feet up and wrapped in a blanket - I am getting this feeling that: outside it is covered in white fluffy snow, zero degrees or below, and the moon is glistening off the top of the snow giving the trees and sky -  a beautiful silver hue. 

With this thought in mind it brings me back to late fall in the North East, where the snow blankets the ground and vehicles where as you walk by them you cant help but break up the beauty and form a snow ball to throw at an unsuspecting person.  Then my thoughts begin to sway thinking about how much I want to do... Things before like throwing that snow ball was too much work, where as now I can't wait to cover myself in the freezing mess as I make the best snow angel possible, while laughing as hard as I can with great people.  Where before the heavy breathing and mind begging me not to fall because getting up would be nearly impossible would slowly kill me inside.

Today I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time and thought, "I can do this."  Something I have never actually thought to myself.  This simple thought of possiblility never crossed my mind with such certainty.

My life is New.  It is a new beginning, and I am so blessed to wake up every day with this level of focus and determination.  I am ready for those long walks through the mall during christmas hours, or the lenghty standing in line at walmart after the holidays, or Spring cleaning when the weather outside is so crisp and the cool breeze begs you to open the windows and clean out every corner of your home...  I am excited for children and chasing them through the department store when they are bad or staying up all night with them chasing off the boggie monsters.

I used to live every second for the second... Today when I looked at myself in the mirror I thought to myself, I am ready for my future, I am ready for losing the old Jessica, the angry Jessica, the "I hate society" Jessica... and I have successfully welcomed in the understanding, the unjudgmental, the non-greiving Jessica.  I am the future Jessica, the Jessica I wished for but never expected to show.  I am Happy with me.  There are little changes I will make from here on out, but I am finally ready.  I am finally ready for Life... I am ready to live. 

People would ask me pre-Gastric Bypass... what was my reason for wanting to have weightloss surgery - My answer was I want to be able to Run if I want to... so...

I am ready to Run.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

So it has been awhile - Update Please? Ok...

Wow it has been forever since I updated - I am sorry for the extreme delay in updating you in my life - so here goes...

As you know Beau got that job with the oil spill so he had to leave and we barely spent any time together for the last couple months and it has been very hard - but I was able to drive to see him in Alabama and enjoyed my time with him and came back home for a few weeks before he came back for me to see him again which is always awesome...  Then after getting sick and going to the er twice and being sent home twice I had about my max of BS from the hospitals in NC so I decided it was time to make the trip back to boston - 12 days shy of my One Year anniversary of leaving this place.

I got here and was admitted into the hospital and it was found my Gall Bladder was working only 18%, with this I also found out I had three swollen tumors around my pouch (stomach) and this was causing the pain along with the gall bladder this was my reason for constant sickness.

Within 4 days I had my gall bladder removed and the tumors were taken off, and I am on the mend now.  But now after all the traveling and all this and the hospital visits and everything it has been exactly one month as of today since I have seen Beau - Been in his arms, watched him sleep, kissed his lips, felt his arms around me... it has been hell.

So - I am on the mend but it has been hard and I really cant wait til next thursday - a week from today I get to see my surgeon and get the ok from him to head home - Home being wherever Beau is.  I cant wait for him to say you look good to go... I will jump in the car and start driving - I CANT WAIT!!!!


So - all I have to do is make it through the next week without him and get finished healing and things will hopefully get back to normal and normal means... laying in his arms to fall asleep... feeling his touch will make all of this time away from him forgotten...

Goodnight world.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Dear Diary - 6.5.2010 - A thought in progress

The raindrops hit the ground in nearly an orderly fashion, as if sitting here silently I can hear them hit one by one. No two hitting the ground at the same time, much like society they each have their own story. Looking into the clouds, now and again there is a break where the sky is blue and the few clouds above are much like the white you would see in heaven... like heaven is showing itself. But like anything in life a darker cloud below it covers the beauty with its own. The thunder rolls in the background and now and again the sky lights up, the earth is showing its power one crack, snap, pop at a time.



Times like these make me want to go stand in the rain, and feel every drop against my skin, giving the story of that single raindrop another chapter. To some this may not make any sense at all, but to me - it is everything. In life we are on a path that is given to us, but this path can easily be distorted by the choices we make or the moves we struggle to explain. Did the rain drops have a choice is falling to the ground? Did they have the choice to hit my face? Some bullets you can not dodge. And some bullets are better off not dodged.



As with most people I am sure, my life has been full of bullets, most of which I had the choice to dodge but decided against it, or better yet I made no decision at all and allowed myself to be hit. Most would say I deserved it, some would say why not move an inch to the left and free myself of the pain many have caused; although my response is not simple, but unlike most - I have one.



With every effect there is a cause, with every cause there is a reaction and to every reaction there is an outcome. With every bullet that has hit me, with every reaction I have shown it has brought me to the place I am now.



No matter where you are in life, no matter the situation, no matter the happiness or pain - There will continue to be bullets, there will continue to be reactions and affects. Although some you can not dodge, others you can - So choose wisely and when you have no choice in the bullet you were hit with always remember there is a rainbow at the end of the storm with the sun begins to shine again.



Love always -

Jessica

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear Diary 5.20.2010

Dear Diary,

Every day is a new day - regardless if we want it or not.  What if we didnt want tomorrow to end?  What if we wanted to go back to yesterday or a month ago for just a moment - I guess thats what memories are for.  So - Today is it, its time to find myself again.  Its weird how having someone leave your side that you have strong feelings for - makes your mind go crazy and makes you physically sick.  Well - As today was brought on regardless of if I wanted to stay in yesterday - Tomorrow will do the same and I will find myself getting used to being alone again... everything takes time -  everything happens weither or not we want it go...

So - May 12th was my One Year Post Op from Gastric Bypass - I have lost a considerable amount - not only weight but many more things as well...  Let me see:

I have lost an abusive relationship
I have lost most of the ties that my low self esteem strapped to my feet
I have lost some painful memories that this weight showed
I have lost a life that once comforted my every move...

I have gained  -  a New self Image.
I have gained  -  a New want from life.
I have gained  -  a New Life...

Its amazing how 200 pounds of fat can swallow you whole...  It makes you see/feel/hear/be someone you are not... It made me feel like life wasnt worth living - I went from someone who didnt want to wake up in the morning to someone that is excited to see what day "In the life of Jessica Burbank" has to offer...  No matter what - good or bad, it is worth experiencing... simply because.


So - I am learning to be okay by myself, this is something I have always struggled with and it is painful for me.... but it is something that I need to learn to do because the entire time I was bigger I thought to myself I need someone, I never thought I could make it alone - Now is my chance to feel - Now is my time to see that I can wake up alone, go to sleep alone, walk out the door - alone.  And I will survive... Just is taking a little longer than I thought for me to see that.  Its hard though, knowing  I am in love with someone who is 10 hours away, but it is easier knowing he loves me too.

Anyways, I am done with the book - 545am comes early, and I need to work so - Goodnight world!
Jessica

Monday, May 17, 2010

Dear Diary 5.17.2010

Dear Diary,

So... Beau came home today, it was refreshing, I think it was perfect timing.  I really needed to feel his touch, kiss his lips, and hear him tell me he loves me while I am able to watch his lips move.  I loved every second of hugging him for the first time when I pulled up to the airport.... It was certainly - for lack of better words... Nice.


So now we are like we were before, he is relaxing, I am just outta my bath sitting inches from him and relaxing as well.  It brings me back to a comforting place that is not there when he isnt...

As for my weightloss, it stopped and I gained a couple pounds after he left... But I am on it, I am going to start walking at the park after work everyday and start watching what I eat better - It is a goal and I am commited...

As for everything else  -  I have made my deposit for my plastics and now I know thats the road I am taking... unless God has other choices *wink*


Goodnight world - I am off to fall asleep in my babe's arms!

Jess

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Dear Diary 5.12.10 --- what to do...

Dear Diary,

What do you do when you feel like your head is going to explode with everything running through your mind... What do you do when You feel like not one person would understand... What do you do when you feel like you just want to run away from everything but then you know you cant do that because there are somethings in your life that make you happy.... What do you do when you feel blocked... stuck...

WHat do you do when your life is going in a positive direction so you think, but what if it isnt what you know for sure?

What do you do when your so confused you want to crawl in the closet and just lay there  - and when you try that it doesnt help... now what?

WHat do you do when nothing is wrong but you feel like everything is?

The name of my blog is happiness is key - so where is my key?  I feel like there is nothing to say... I know I want to shout from the roof tops that I am happy but my heart is broken... like the song says - Its impossible.

What to say?  Where to go?  I feel like my heart is broken but there is no reason for it.  Distance makes the heart grown fonder right?  But I think the fear of "its getting easier" makes me wonder if my choices are right...

You know people ask me why do I have such a hard time making decisions - well - the first real decision I ever made was when I was 11 I opted to live with my mother and it developed into one of the worst decisions of my life... and now I feel like I live my life in a lie, trying to make up for my wrong.  I struggle with making decisions because it seems like everyone I make is not the right one. 

I wish I had an answer to the truth.  I wish I knew what made me happy... being alone has given me time to think maybe I should have stopped myself from loving another until I truly loved myself.  The question is when will that be?  WIll I spend a live time of saddness and anger so deep inside myself?  People tell me I should get over it, I tell me I should get over it, but it is not something that is easy to come by.

I am so confused and lost, and stuck, and in pain.... I need to work out my kinks... But there is so many I feel like my life is full or knots I know will never losen, but what if they are strangling my heart?

there is something wrong with someone taking one pill hoping they will fall asleep... and taking another when it doesnt work, laying there and taking another until they passout...

People ask me if I am happy and I lie and say Yes... because a life time of "putting on that smile" seems so easy for those around me... when it just adds another knot to my tangle of webs.

I am going to lay down in hopes that last pill will let me go to sleep.

Goodnight world.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Diary 5.11.10

Dear Diary -

Do you ever feel down in the dumps... Not really sure why?  Just - Down.  Maybe it is bed time... maybe thats it -

Good night world.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Dear Diary 5.5.10

Dear Diary,

Its One of those nights I am thinking...  My mind is like a wild fire... it is burning through thoughts and moving on only to brun through more - hard to control and unmanage-able.  I am workiong through a lot though - spending so much time alone makes you really get your mind together - so I thought.  I guess I am technically doing this but it seems to me that life will never be simple, and things will always happen and the control I like to have is not something I can have...

Have you ever thought about running away?  Sometimes I think to myself, what I would give to run away and just start fresh...  New Name?  New Address?  New self?  The question I have is - Could I take someone with me?

Sometimes I look at the sky and ask God Why?  Why does he do what he does?  Can't there be a little explaination?  Not because of the bad but maybe all of it... Why does he make things happen the way he does?  Why does he line things up for us the way he does?  I have always said everything happens for a reason... but why?

I have to be honest here... I said to myself after leaving Joe that I needed space, I needed me time.  Then I found Beau - Didnt want to move in with him simply because I knew in my heart that I needed "Me Time." 

Then this happens... we have just enough time to know what we feel for one another- and then an opportunity comes up where he has to leave me... seperated by distance and time.  It is almost like God knew this would happen and he seperated us with all the distance and time for me to Grow...

My heart is SCREAMING No!  But my mind kept saying, Yes - Jessica you need this time to see what he means to you, you need this time to see how much YOU mean to YOU.

Right now I am sitting here in a wooden kitchen chair with my feet up on another with a pop up table next to me, with no furniture in this place... staring at a computer screen thinking, which brings this blog to you.  Is this Blog meant to make sense to you?  Probably not - it is more of a type what I think Blog...

So - What am I thinking?

I think I know what I want from my life... and I am wondering how do I get from point A to point B.

What do I want from my life?  Satisfaction.  Happiness yes - this is key, but I am thinking there is something Bigger than Happiness - Satisfaction.  It is what brings you to the point of Happiness.

Here is to focusing on ME and my satisfaction from life!!!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dear Diary 5.3.10 - Beaus Gone?

Dear Diary,

Operation Alabama is in effect!  Beau left this morning at 6am boarding to Mobile, Alabama =-(  Why you ask?  Well he was called on Saturday evening around 4pm and offered a job that we just refuse - So I thought at the time... Whats three months away from each other, we will see each other in a couple weeks and again a few after that I am sure.  I guess mentally I thought this would be good because it could help get us in a good place for both of our surgeries, give Beau something to pass the time til his surgery a bit faster, and possibly set us up for other opportunities as well in the future...

My heart kept telling me - NO!  DONT LET HIM GO!!  But my brain new better and told my heart that it would be okay, that maybe it would be good for us... maybe it will make me stronger basically living on my own again for a little while. Still My heart screams NO!  What did you do!!!???!!!

So When we pulled into the airport, all I kept thinking was be strong- dont you dare cry!  But I teared up and choked back the tears to say goodbye - unable to look him in the face.  As soon as he grabbed his bags and started walking away I started crying uncontrollably... took a few minutes sitting in the front seat of the truck, constantly wipping them away trying to get the ability to see.

Now Im laying here in bed, its 9pm, 8pm his time, and I am still thinking the same thing I thought when I drove away from the airport - "Your so stupid, instead of taking a shower you should have been hugging on him and kissing on him since you know it will be 2 weeks until you see him again."  I guess it wasnt until I was driving away did I actually realize what I had agreed to...


 In any event I am stuck with my decision to okay it.  I know it will be okay, I know I will be okay, and I know we will be stronger because of it. 

Even though before I knew that this was the man for me... being away from him makes me realize not only this but that I am positive - I would not want to live without him.


I love this man more than I have ever loved anything in the world, and I am counting down the days until the 19th when I can see him again.  I Love You Baby.

Jess


Btw - Beef Jerky in the bags is okay... Beef Jerky Mystery Meat sticks - NOT OK!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Happy B-Day to me!! Diary Entry - April 26th 2010

Dear Diary!!

Happy Bday to me!!  I cant believe this past year of my existance.  It has been the most amazing year of my life.  In one year, I have lost all this weight, I have met my soul mate, I have re-connected with someone near and dear to my heart, I have met ms Shawna, I have gotten a good job, I have gotten my life on a track I have been waiting for my entire life.  Who says wishing on stars doesn't work ...  They are wrong - It does. 

The new lease on life -

Losing weight seems so simple to most people, they dont realize the effect it has on the person, and society around them.  I feel accepted.  Not only by myself... I accept who I am now.  I see that I am beautiful and I do deserve a good life.  Before when I was miserable I expected what I got which was shit.  Now I dont expect anything but the best and thats what I am getting.  Expecting the best is not wrong - and I finally see that.  Society - What an amazing feeling it is to be accepted by society.  I can walk down the street eatting something and no one really looks and stares at me.  In the recent months I have been hit on more times than I can remember and it makes my jaw drop.  One man even tried pumping my gas and he paid for it!! 

My SoulMate -

Yes I am sure you guys hear of him nearly too much, but you dont understand what it is for me to say honestly, hands down, this man completes me.  I have never been as happy as I am right now.  Everyone says, we are perfect for one another, his personality fits everything I have ever wanted from a man, it - simply put - completes my personality.  I am soo in love.


New age, new years, starts at 10:08Am.  This year - I am going to strive for me.... Sitting here on this balcony, watching the ocean water slam against the sand I think to myself..... I am making my wishes on myself.  I am what the stars to me - used to be.  They used to be consistant, always their even if I couldnt see them, I knew they were there so making a wish on this seemed perfect.  Now - I can depend on myself.  I am as strong and as beautiful as the stars are... I will be making this years wishes - On ME!

Happy B-day to me, here is to a NEW year of bigger and better things, accomplishments, and the second year of my new life. 

Heres to being TWO!

Jessica

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Dear Diary April 8th 2010

Dear Diary,

So... I was just sitting here at work thinking about my weightloss so far - where I want to be and how I need to get there.  I am 3.4-5.4 pounds away from being in One-derland.  I have been stuck here for a couple months now.  It think  it is time for me to make a move - change my ways... and progress to goal.  Every goal I have ever made for myself I have let it slip through my fingertips.  Every single time!  It isnt like I am miles from goal, I wait until I am just in arms reach from goal and I throw it under the table.


A couple quotes that have got me to the thought process I am at now:

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill

"If you do not know where you are going.  How can you expect to get there?" - Basil S. Walsh

"Plenty of people have missed their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it." - William Feather


So, I have a goal.  I am not throwing it under the table, I have decided to move forth... for once in my life I will make my goal. - BEFORE my birthday - April 26th 2010. 

I have 18 days to make goal - See ONE-DerLAND!!!!

Jessica

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Diary Entry 4-7-2010

Dear Diary,

Today makes 19 days til my 27th birthday!  27... I can't believe it.  I know I shouldnt be in shock about turning 27, I mean every year you get a year older but it seems like I am getting a little wiser - maybe a little more intune with what I want from life...  So a Year older and a Year wiser!  This year of my life has been absolutely amazing.  I turned 26 and 2 weeks later I had Gastric Bypass surgery.  Lost use of my legs, gained them back with a lot of work and pain, in August I met an amazing man, and Novemeber we moved in together to really get to know one another.  We have been together 8 months as of April 30th.  Our lives have quickly became a web, and I am not sure I care to remove myself from the web. 

There comes a time in your life where you have to make decisions that have always scared you  - decisions to grow up... decisions to find Mr Right... the decisions on a career, a family, hobbies... everything.

I have been so scared of making these decisions all of my life, and I think that is based on the fact I have never loved myself or thought well enough of myself to think I deserved what I hav always desired...

I have made some decisions - and the results are on their way.....

*Smiles*

Jessica

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Diary Entry 3.28.2010

Dear Diary,

So, I have some updating to do - Don't I?  Well, last Monday I went to my primary care and we went over a lot of different things.  In the end he offered me a b-12 shot that I think really helped me a lot.  I certainly feel different.  Tomorrow I will get my second dose, which I am very excited about.  It is amazing how the body works... missing certain vitamins makes your body and mind do some crazy things.

Work - Going well... as good as it is going to get with training.  Having to work closely with 20 people everyday can make for some difficult times but I am sure once we get out of training it will be easier.  Besides that I am excited to be working, and being stuck to a schedule makes me a happy person.

Health - As I said before I got the B-12 shot, and I am starting to feel better, I think with the blood work and getting the additional health things worked out will make things easier for me.  Struggling with my health for so long - it is an amazing feeling getting the kinks worked out.  I went to my plastic surgery appointment and my doctor is going to try to get me approved for the tummy surgery.  Which takes me into the family -

Famiy - I have debated for a while now, do I want to get plastic surgery and be forced to wait out the 2 years to have children?  I am wishy washy on this... and I know I need to really figure it out.  Honestly though, I would hate to go through the surgery and then get pregnant and then have my stomach stretch back out.  BUT on the other hand, I want to have it and be able to go to the beach and do things I have never been able to do... which would be hard having a child.  So that kind of puts me in a position where - Just like making a career choice, I am in need of making a personal live choice.  

I get to these roads and I dont know where to turn so I push along the "Need to make a decision" mode as long as I possibly can so I dont have to make the choice.  I have to come to terms with the fact I am getting older, and I am at the place in my life where these choices need to be made or I will be in a dead end job for the rest of my life and childless - and with being childless I will probably be boyfriend or husbandless.  I just dont know what I am doing.

I wish I knew the plan that God has for me, I feel like I am running in place and making no sudden moves - not wanting to mess up where I am because I am ok.  But I need to shake the boat in order to move ahead with my life.

I know more than anything in the world I want a husband and children - Is it my time to start this process?  Should I focus on bettering myself and me before jumping ship into a sea of "family life?" 

Today Beau and I slept as late as we could then went out to the mall and out for dinner and then came back home to relax.  Well - I relaxed and he worked on the truck.  Tomorrow I have my doctors appointment and then I think I am going to come home and try to set up an appointment with a person I can talk to - to maybe helped me straighten out all the turns in my life that I have yet to make decisions on - they are piling up and it scares me. 

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place and it sucks.  I need to figure myself out - How could anyone want to be with someone who doesnt even know what they are doing! 

New Goal - Figure it out!

Second New Goal - Remind myself daily I am not the 400 pound person I see in the Mirror - No one sees me that way so I should see myself that way either.

Third New Goal - Stop getting mad at Beau for nothing - My anger issues have nothing to do with him - channel it elsewhere.

Final thought of the day -

" Life is only as pleasurable as you allow it to be."  Therefore - if I dont take anything for granted - Everything will be exciting and pleasurable. 


So - Beau...  Today in the mall you said I looked like I was lost because I was looking around.  Did you notice the smile on my face?  I wasnt taking for granted that moment... I was extremely content holding your hand and just looking at everything.  IE - not taking for granted the moments of extreme bliss and calmness you bring to my life daily.  I love you.


Goodnight world!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Diary entry 3.18.2010

Dear Diary,

So I had to go to the hospital on tuesday morning around 7am... I was struggling - whatever was caught in my stomach made it so that I could barely breathe.  after a day of pain meds and waiting around I got moved to another hospital where I stayed the night and the next day they went in and checked things out.  So everything went well and I am home now - trying to relax!

So Beau went to see his family, 5 hours away from me, and I dont know when he will return AHHHHHH  Im sad cuz I love going with him on trips and stuff, it is so relaxing, but I know it is good for him to spend time alone with his friends and family, and time apart always grows relationships.  I love being with that man, diary - he makes me the happiest woman ALIVE!

Anyways, I am relaxing and getting ready for bed, til tomorrow diary!

Good Night world!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Diary Entry 3.12.2010

Dear Diary,

So I started work a couple weeks ago, so I havent really taken the time to write, I know, I am super behind!  I have to get up at 5 - 530 in the morning, but the past few days I barely get up before 6am... its tiring having to be there at 7am and working til 4, I mean getting out at 4 is cool because I beat the traffic, but getting up at 6am really is killing me - considering I am NOT a morning person.

Anyways enough bitching.  It is great working with people again and socializing - although it made me see I feel like I am the only one in my class of 20 something, everyone is around my age, I am like the only one Not Married, and No kids.  Its a real eye opener when I talk about going to go out and they talk about their kids or Husband or their wives.  Its a little odd I guess.  But I know in time my turn will come I am sure.

So I have been on edge trying to get back in the grove of working and trying to balance that and a home life - I have never been a good one at Balancing anything, so It reminds me I have issues there. 

I have to try to focus on things and for me thats difficult.  I feel like I am going to drop the ball on one or the other because I am either too quick to say the first thing that comes to my mind (even if it isnt what I really mean) or I neglect to think about others.

I dont know, I feel like my plate is over loaded and I dont know what to do with it - throw it?  Scares me that I will fail at one or the other when I know I want both.  I guess I have to figure things out... Maybe a bath will help, a good ol thinking bath...

Good Night all
Jess

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

DIary Entry - 2.24.10

Dear Diary,

Why do people judge others simply by the way they look?  I guess when you pick up a DVD, you do so 1 -because you heard it was a good movie or 2 - the cover was appealing.  This seems to be how most people judge others 1 - You get to know them because you have friends whom are friends with them or heard they were nice or funny or 2 - their cover is appealing.  What if every DVD cover looked the same?  Then what would we do?  We would be forced to get to know the DVDs contents.  This was just something I was thinking about on my 4 and a half hour drive today.

On that drive I also actually caught a glimps of "being in the moment."  Has this ever happened to you?  Where you stop all thought process are think how wonderful it is to simply be alive?  With everything going as fast pace as it is going, with family issues, work issues, health issues, etc - Just to stop and think about the value of just life in general is amazing. 

You are free to do whatever you want with your life, so why waste the little bit of time you have here on earth with petty nonsense -

Think of it this way - If you live to 80 years old - that is only 29,200 days.  You will only wake up 29,200 mornings, and go to sleep 29,200 nights.   How about Hours - 700,800 hours in a lifetime if you live til your 80, and sleeping is a 1/3 of that time - 467,200 is what you are left with.  Make every one of those 29.200 days count!  Life your life to the Fullest!!  Time is counting down and you are wasting it being unhappy.

Find your happiness!!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Diary Entry - 2.22.10

Dear Diary,

So it has been a few days since I have written - Sorry for the delay.  My friend came down from up north, so I have been hanging out with her, we spent the weekend at Myrtle Beach, had a ball!  Showed her the strip, went shopping at the coach outlet, as well as everything else at the Tanger Mall and I even got to teach her beach bingo!  It was awesome.  We just got back today, and spent the evening having a couple drinks, the  new Dominos pizza...  Let me just say AMAZING - we got the Thin Crust  it had - Light Cheese, Spinach, Feta, Tomatos, Black olives, Banana Peppers, Onions, Green Peppers, Roasted Red Peppers, and mushrooms - and I dipped it in Mango Habanero Sauce ... Was indeed the BEST thing I have ever eaten!!!  Sadly as I am writing this I am still drinking like a fish because the Habanero sauce was SPICY!

Well, after dinner and everyone started falling asleep, I went in an laid down with Beau to relax... I have felt this way for a long time, but it hit me tonight - I could NOT imagine my life without that man in it.  Its so weird to be telling him I love him for a few months now, and how amazing it was to fall in love with him - but to actually feel like I could not live my life without him; Now that is crazy.

Anyways on to other news... I got into a huge fight with a friend of mine of nearly 20 years.  Maybe I should have just blown off a few things that were said, but I just couldnt.  I am expecting it to blow over sooner than later, but the ball is certainly in her court. 

I learned something though during this fight - I have grown so much post op.  I am no longer that woman that would hide her frustrations and just try to make everyone laugh so they might take their minds off my weight... Now I see things in a different light.  I was told I have changed both mentally and physically - and when this was said, it was meant to be negative.  But after reading over the email a few times I realized something -

I have changed mentally and physically.  I see life for what it is now.  I see that it is not as scary as I made it out to be.  I dont always have to be the "Funny" one in the group, and it is okay to just be me.  I have learned over the past few months there is a real thing in the wording "true love"  I have true love in myself.  Maybe this is the root of all happiness... Finding love for yourself, and not just love like I love that pizza I had tonight, I mean true love - as in I LOVE waking up in the morning, I LOVE looking in the mirror and seeing "Jessica."

I used to say there comes a time in everyones life when they come to a intersection where a turn needs to be made, a decision, a change, all for the positive...  My intersection has taken me now 9 months to cross, and I think there is another one coming - greatest part about that is, I am no longer scared of the changes in my life, every change in the past 9 months has been amazing.

I Love My Life.

Jessica

Monday, February 15, 2010

Diary Entry 2.15.10

Dear Diary,

I was in the middle of watching "Elevator Girl" one of those "Love Story" movies on the Hallmark channel when I started to get this feeling... this feeling of happiness for the two people in the mist of falling in love.  Not only did I feel happiness, but it was actually the same feeling I get when Beau pulls me close hugging me tightly and kissing my forhead... Yeah - It was that feeling.  I am not sure what this feeling is called, but I can tell you it is the happiest feeling I have ever gotten in my entire life. 

I started to think and had to pause the movie.  I have never had this feeling before, never have I felt so good about a love story movie, generally they would just upset me, or not make any sense.  This movie is the first romantic movie I have watched since surgery.  It shocked me when the thought ran through my mind, that they are normal, and normal people fall in love in odd situations, and it doesnt feel forced, or you dont feel like he is the only one who will ever act as if he loves you.

to be continued!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Diary Entry 2.12.2010

Dear Diary,

I am getting warm, Why you ask?  Well, I just came in from one of the single most exciting experiences of my life.  Playing in the Snow here in North Carolina.  Up north snow was so common, but down here people get as excited as they would if it were Christmas... I jumped in on the fun, and boy was it exciting.  Beau didn't want to go play in the snow at first, because we were already in bed and getting warm, but I was persistant, and told him I really wanted to go play in it - So he jumped out of bed and got dressed and ran out the door.  I thought, Oh no, I think I upset him... So I laid there in bed, waiting to see what would happen...  He came in, ripped the covers off me and ... You wont believe this - He THREW A SNOW BALL AT ME!!! In bed!!!!  Then he left the room and went back outside...  As soon as I heard the door close, I jumped up and started getting dressed as fast as I could.  I ran outside with Two pairs of socks, One for my hands, and one to put on his.  Like children we played in the snow. 

This was one of the dreams I had since being in my teens.  Playing in the snow with the man of my dreams, this man I have searched for all of my life, I finally found him and tonight - tonight he made one of my most important dreams come true.  He is my soul mate.

After we came in and dressed into warm clothes I decided he made of my of dreams come true so even though it is 2 days before Valentines, I had to give him one of his gifts.  It was a collage of four photos that I absolutely adore with the title below stating "August 30th 2009"  This was, so far, the most important day of my life.  This was the day he walked into my life.  He is my everything.  In return he gave me mine.  I could have never imagined, it was the most beautiful necklace I have ever laid my eyes on.  In the shape of a heart with beautiful diamonds, hanging on a beautiful chain.  He said to me, since I have his heart already, I could wear this one and have it with me all the time.  I hide the tears in my eyes the best I could and turned to have him put it on my neck, after removing the necklace I have worn for the last 17 years.  This one I hope to wear for as long, if not longer.   And having it be His Heart... I hope to wear it for eternity.

Well, thats it for me, Im going to go cuddle next to the man of my dreams...

Good Night world.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Diary Entry 2.11.2010

Dear Diary,

I am getting ready for bed, and decided, I seem to be on a roll with my diary entries, so I need to make sure to put one in again tonight.  Sooo... Sunday is Valentine's Day, and I was hoping the gift I have for Beau would be ready but after calling to check on it this morning, it looks like something happened and it wont be ready until the middle of next week!  I was really upset, but at least I was able to pick up the other thing I made for him, I think he will like it - but it is not the other thing, and since I know he reads this blog, I cant tell yall what it is hehe.  But I know he will like it, I love it.

So, besides that I didnt do a whole lot today, things seem to be slow and drawn out since I dont have a job.  But Feb 25th, I am supposed to start at Verizon... I am super excited about it.  Will be nice to have steady incoming in so I can feel like an equal part to our relationship, as well it would build my confidence.  I also signed up to get information for a few online schools so I can choose what I would like to get into... That was one of my goals, and I have finally gotten focused on it.  I am in hopes that in the beginning of March I can go to the local community school to look into what they have to offer there too. 

So at least that can be in the works.  Besides that today didnt have much to it.  I am going to go to bed early tonight so I can get up at a decent time tomorrow.  I may not have a lot to do during the day, but I feel like Im sleeping my life away when I get up at noon.

I know I talk about him a lot, but I am so thankful to have someone so amazing in my life, he really fits me like a puzzle and its amazing to feel as loved as he does me... and it is great to love someone as deeply as I do him.  It really is awesome.

Anyways, Goodnight world!

Diary Entry 2.10.10

Dear Diary,

So today was pretty uneventful.  I wasn't even going to write in my diary tonight, but after a brief conversation with a friend of mine, whom recently re-entered my life, I thought maybe I should.  Having a lot running through my brain and getting it out whether through typing or through writing always seems to help me.

We were talking about her mother, and the simularities between mine and hers.  Its kind of funny actually.  Have you ever thought to yourself, 'Is there someone out there just like me?'  'Dealing with the same bullshit I do on a dialy basis?' And you question... 'How the hell are they doing it, are they making it as well as I?' 

Its funny, but I believe maybe I asked God too many times these questions, so much so, he put her in my life to show me, I am not the only one.  Every boyfriend, every problem, every family member... It seems we are one in the same, but in two different bodies.  Maybe that is why I feel a connection to her, as if she was my sister.  We fight, dont talk for months, and then all of a sudden, I feel like that void in my life has returned, when she does. 

I know to most people if her and I were to sit down and say all the nasty things we have done to one another, all the hurtful things we have said... they would say - "Why the hell are they still friends??"  Well - I cant answer that.  But I can say I am thankful for it. 

She is someone I know if I say something I shouldnt, she will understand.  If I say something ignorant, she will not put me down, if I do something, like stay in an abusive relationship and push her away when she tries to help...she will be there when I break down.  She is a good friend... Better yet, she is my best friend.

So with all that being said I can say this, there is someone out there - Just like you.  Going through the same pain as you... going through the same happiness as you.  If you question God long enough, maybe he will see you need proof face to face - as he has given me.

On to another topic.

I don't really know if I can call myself a certain religion... But I heard something the other day that puts all my beliefs into perspective.  The person said, "I believe in all paths to God."  This is something I whole heartedly believe in.  Do I go to church?  No.  Do I say "Jesus" without talking to him? Yes.  Do I swear?  Yes.  Do I curse my mother and my father? Yes.   Do I do things intensionally to piss people off?  Sometimes.  Do I know everything in the bible?  No.  Have I read the bible?  No.  Have I researched the bible? Yes.  Do I believe in the words of the bible?  Not all of them.  Do I believe the bible was written to keep society on a certain path?  Absolutely.  Do I think the bible was completely written by the hand of God?  Not really. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes I feel like a Hypocrite.  Something that I do not often speak about, because when I do, I know it is hard for people to believe.  I remember Heaven.  I remember having dreams of this place when I was a child, I have yet to have one since.  I often forget about this experience until I find myself praying to God with my eyes closed and being back in this place.  Oh... How to describe Heaven...

I would like to believe I have an old soul, but when I was in heaven I was merely into my teens.  I was being cared for by a older woman that appeared to be in her late forties.  She had olive colored skin, beautiful peircing blue eyes, she had dark brown hair, and she wore a flowing dark blue dress, it was so beautiful, she was what I consider to be my gaurdian angel.  When she came to get me, I was sitting at the stairs to Gods thrown, I remember talking to him while sitting there, as if he was holding me in his arms, comforting me.   When my Gaurdian came to get me she asked me to come with her to get cleaned up.  So we walked through the temple, it was white, a white you will not see here on earth, So elegant.  It was all open, there were huge arches holding up the round top, where you could see right out into the fields all around,  The grass was a green you, as well, could not find here on earth.  These colors are so vibrant, they are so breath taking, so peaceful.  She brought me over to a little personal fountain... there were many of these all around, and other Gaurdians as well with children around my age.  She asked me to put my hands into the holy water, where I knew why... I didnt even have to ask, I knew it was to cleanse my soul, to start fresh... as if I had been on earth before, and I was cleansing myself of the past life, to start a new.  I do recall asking her, "Will it hurt?"  She smiles.  I would ask, "Will it hurt to return to earth?"  She would respond with, "No baby, its going to be wonderful." 

Honestly, after hearing her say that, I recall sticking my hands into the water and thats it.  I do not know what happened immediately after that, but I know I am here now.  The last time I saw this place was after my grandfather past.  I was sitting at my computer desk in New Hampshire, and I remember crying over his photo asking God why.  I believe while sitting at my desk, I must have fallen asleep because I remember Being back at the temple, walking down the stairs that surrounded it, down onto the grass...  Looking out I could see a flowing river and a beautiful willow tree about a quarter mile forward... as I walked towards this willow tree I recall seeing him sitting there at the foot of this beautiful tree moving ever so slightly with the wind.  It was Grandpa.  He had a wooden fishing pole, nothing too fancy, it was about 5 feet long and curved slightly at the end with a thin string tied to it - going down into the water.  The pole end was buried in the dirt, and Grandpa?  Well he was just as I remembered him, but cleaned up and laid back against the trunk of the tree.  His hands were tucked behind his neck, and he looked so relaxed.  I asked, "Grandpa?"  And before I could continue, he smiled.  He said, "I am ok, I am happy here.  I am the lucky one."  I remember wanting to cry, but he just said, "I'm okay baby, its time for you to go back now.  Don't worry, I will be here waiting"  And that was it.

When I woke from what seemed to be a slumber on my computer desk, a few tears fell from my eyes, I knew he was okay.  I knew he was in Heaven, the same place I remember.  I know he will be there when I return, along with all the others in my life who are the lucky ones.

So do I believe in Heaven? Yes.  Do I believe that I have a relationship with God like no other? Absolutely.  Heaven is waiting for me, where I will spend eternity with the ones I hold close to my heart.

So... This brings me to my next topic of the night...

I learned once when I was in Sunday school as a child that if you are not doing well... and life seems to be giving you a hard time, then you are probably not on the path God wants you on.  If you are failing, and things are not working out as you would want them to, Your on the wrong path.

This is something that has always been in the back of my mind, but never seemed to make sense to me because every road I turned down, every focus I had - Failed.  Every path was difficult, nothing seemed to work out for me.  Until Now.

Before having Gastric Bypass last year I couldnt catch a break.  I was miserable.  IF I would have taken into thought that it was all the wrong path maybe I would have changed it.  But after having Gastric Bypass, and turning my life COMPLETELY around - things seem to be coming into perspective.  Life seems just a bit easier... and everything I have ever wanted seems to be working into a wonderful path.  After moving down here to North Carolina, I thought I would be alone forever, never lose the weight I wanted, and never have what I really wanted - what I didnt realize was, I was foot by foot, making the path God wanted for me.  I started losing more weight, I started realizing, I could be alone and happy.  I became my own person again.  Then I met the man of my dreams, the one I have always dreamt of but could never find, and he was okay with me - being me.  I have a job lined up and am actually really starting to think about who I am and where I want to be.  No one is forcing their ways on me - I am making my own life.  It is wonderful. 

Well, I am starting to fall asleep, and have written a book here.  But all in all - I want to say this again...

If your life is not going easily as it should be, if your life seems miserable and depressing.  If you are not Happy... then you are probably not on the path God designed for you.  Its easier to walk with him, and ask him for guidance then to go against him.  I feel as though I am finally walking with him... As the foot prints poem states, if you see one set he is carrying you - I think there are two now.  I think there are two sets, I am strong enough to walk, but happy to have him by my side.

Goodnight world.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Diary Entry - 2.9.2010

Today was a good day.  I woke up about 1030 in the morning, I was supposed to bring my car with Beau to have someone change the oil and do other stuff to it.  Beau made the appointment, my only job was to drive it there and get into the truck with Beau.  Its amazing knowing I do not have to deal with anything car related.  If something happens, I tell Beau and he looks at it.  The stress of keeping up with the maintance and the "sitting in the car crying while the tow man is on the way for it, Bree is on the way for me, and me trying to figure out what am I going to do to pay for this" is no longer an added stress in my life.  I finally have someone in my life where, if something like this happens, I have someone to turn to, to help me figure out what is next to be done to fix the issue.  I am no longer by myself, thankful for a good friend willing to come get me and listen to me freak out because I have no money to fix it and no one to turn to.  Simple things like this make me wonder what was wrong with me in my past relationships, or better yet I shouldnt have wasted time when the man of my dreams was also waiting for the women of his.

Anyways, enough ranting about that.  So we dropped the car off, and we went to have some good ol Mexican food.  I love the Hard taco with shredded chicken, sauteed onions, cheese, and the green stuff lol.  While we were sitting there eatting, I kept looking at him and thinking how great this is... so relaxing. I asked him what he thought about when he first met me, and he said he thought how beautiful my hair was, then when I looked at him, he thought how beautiful my eyes were, and then he said how he thought, wow she is beautiful.  I love his honesty, I love that when I look into his eyes I can see deep into his soul, he is such an amazing person its great.

After mexican food, we went to a hardware store, where he did his shopping and I just followed around.  I love to see a man in his element, much like a woman in a grocery store or in Victoria Secrets.  They always know exactly what they are looking for, what every little thing is... I would just ask what things do, and he answered without hesitiating, or thinking "why wouldnt she know that" it was great. 

The rest of the day was pretty relaxed, Made salad for dinner and brownies, then took a bath, cleaned a little and here I am now, typing away about the same ol thing it seems.  But to me, it is nothing old.  It is amazingly knew.  It is like it is Christmas Morning every day.  Everyday he never ceases to amaze me, I hope everyone has or finds someone that makes them feel as great. 


So On to another topic.  I have a friend that is coming to visit a week from today!  She is coming down from New Hampshire to enjoy some relaxing time here in North Carolina.  She wont find a better place to relax.  I have never been as calm as I currently am.    So I am super excited about that, will be nice to have a good friend to talk to and show around... woohooo. 6 days til she is here!!!  Cant wait!!

Friday, February 5, 2010

His love for me runs deeper than the universe runs wide.

I woke up on the morning of August 29th feeling alone.  I was recently released from the hospital and was struggling to use my legs, my only mode of transportation was with the use of my good ol Walker.  Late in the evening of August 30th I posted an Ad on Craigslist, wanting to know if there were any normal men in Wilmington NC??  Reason for this is because I had four different encounters with extremely Odd men.  One wanted to have things placed in his butt for fun (I know I know, TMI - Thats what I thought too!!)  One was extremely old and felt the need to place his hands in places they shouldnt be.  One was MARRIED!!!  And One, well wasnt Odd, but lets just say he turned out to be very needie of my time. 

I was looking for a couple things - First, a man who was NOT interested in having things placed in his butt.  Second, a half way normal man... you know - not insane.  Third, one that wanted one thing, and thats to have someone like me in their lives.  I wanted the one, I wanted a man who also wanted "the one" and was tired of the BS games that, well lets face it - in todays-day-in-age those games can get you killed.

I remember laying there in bed, wishing someone normal would write me so I could have someone to talk to.  I was lonely, and to be honest I just wanted to talk.  At 1230 or so I refreshed my Email account to find someone with an email "KingPin" wrote me.  At first I thought, thats a bad ass name, maybe he is confident and knowing myself - I like confident men... so I read on. 

I found that his name was Odd, "Beau" I thought maybe it is said like "Beau"-tiful?  I thought, well thats an weird name...  I read a little further... 31 years old.  Hmm, Not bad, maybe his mental age is 31 on he knows what he is looking for in life.  Read a little further - He is 6'2" Yumm!  And he is sarcastic??  Oh did I get excited, my biggest turn on is a man who stands tall, and has a strong, outgoing, witty personality that - most importantly can make me laugh...  And he likes to have fun.  My kind of Guy.

So I had him text me after an hour of me refreshing my email 900 times hoping to see his name pop back up.  It just seemed we had clicked, so we started texting.  We texted for hours before I began passing out inbetween texts.  I didnt want it to end, I loved talking to him.

The next day I searched his email online, and found his myspace account.  I looked at his pictures, and thought there is no way someone so outgoing, and funny, and down to earth could ever want someone like me.  But he texted me!!  He texted me the next day, and the day after that, and texts turned into calls, and we spoke every single day.  I would wait thinking, he probably wont text me today - but he did!!! He liked me... He really liked me!! 

When we met I was scared... I spent all day doing and re-doing and updating my make up every ten minutes.  He went to meet my grandmother for a haircut because his lady jumped ship.  So he met my Grandmother before he met me.  When he texted me to let me know he was there I jumped out of the chair and stood there, in shock... the man I had been texting and talking to every single day was walking up to the door this second.  I slowly walked over to the door, hoping my legs wouldnt give out because they were shaking so bad.  I coughed, and stood straight and put on my confidence cap.  I thought - Screw it, if he doesnt like me, he doesnt like me.  His loss. 

I opened the door and he was walking towards me, I couldnt help but smile.  He was dressed in a red T-shirt and Beige shorts and flip flops.  Exactly the way I imagined, so cute.  His smile was contagious.  He walked up to me and he smelled so good, I was in a daze.  But I kept myself together, and we both sat down at the table.  I was trying not to smile too hard because my face was starting to hurt.  After a couple of quiet moments, I decided, I need a drink.  So, we started having a few drinks.  and a few more... 

I remember our first hug like it was just a few seconds ago, his arms wrapped tightly around me, I felt nearly at peace.  I knew from that moment I wanted this man in my life.  I flirted a little, and he came back with it.  He liked me, he actually friggen liked me!! 

Our first kiss, amazing.  We were standing outside, it was... simply put, amazing.

He was a true gentleman.

Today is 5 months and 5 days later from the day we started talking.  It feels like it has been 6 years.  When I look into that mans eyes, his soul is as open as can be.  His love for me runs deeper than the universe runs wide.  When his arms are wrapped around me I feel like nothing can get me, I feel so at peace it is unreal.  I have waited all my life for someone who can make me feel the way he does.

I often find myself thinking, how can I show him the love I feel from him.  How can I prove it?  How can I make him see what he does to me?  It is truly an amazing feeling.  I wish everyone in the world could feel the joy and excitment I feel when he walks into the room, or the love that runs from the tips of my toes to the ends of the hair on my head, its crazy.

I want to fly to the stars and scream to the earth how amazing I feel.

Happiness really is the only key to everything; success, peace, and most importantly love.

Thank you God, for bringing him into my life - I have begged for years for you to prove to me true love exists, and you have.  Through God, all thing really are possible.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Goals...

I have decided that in my life I have not complete accomplished anything.  Yes, my weightloss has been amazing, but I am soon to be 27 years old and have nothing to show for it.  I have no children, I am not happily married, I don't own a home, I have not completed a degree, Nothing.

It is time for me to start focusing on my future.  I want those children, that happy marriage, that house... But to get to those goals - I have a LONG road ahead of me.

I have GOT to make a career choice.  I have GOT to focus on my financial standing - SAVE SAVE SAVE, you can not have everything if you have NOTHING!  No Children and No House!  So second to making a career choice, is to cut back on spending and wasting of money.  I ALSO above the rest need to focus on my addiction to food, and BREAKING IT!  Keeping healthy food in the fridge, cooking healthy, and remembering that if I don't focus on Protein, I will not keep losing, with this I also need to start planning out my plastic surgery, and getting that worked on. 

I can not have children for 2 years post plastic surgery.  So this gives me two years to get my Shit STRAIGHT!  Today is a new day, no more negative thinking, negative thinking brings negative results.

So I have the Children and the House at an understanding.  As for the Happily married  -  I know this will come in time, I am well deserving of a perfect marriage and I will get that, but as for now I need to focus on my goals and not what I want in the Near YET DISTANT future.

Focusing on Short term goals - Is my New Goal!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Broken Silence? And a Royal Flush!

"Cynicism... it doesn't lead anywhere.  Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.  But if you work really hard and your kind, Amazing things will happen."  -  Conan O'brien, Jan 22, 2010

Last night I realized after a tearful out pouring of experiences, I released a lot of pain that has built up inside my heart for many years.  I did not want to let these experiences go because I felt I must have done something that was so painful or so hurtful to someone else, maybe in a past life, that I deserved all the pain I had in my heart. 

Conan said it best when he mentioned that "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get."  I did not come into life expecting the bullshit experiences I was served.  The cards I was dealt, was not a hand I could throw away and I did not even have a high card.  Many people in this life are dealt royal flushes.  Whether or not they want to admit it, they have experienced life to the fullest with no effort spared.

Some of us are dealt shit.  Even worse, some of us think we have a pretty good hand, and all of a sudden with no warning, the rules change and you would have thought we were playing Razz - Your "Great hand" is now the worse hand in the game. 

What do we do?  Do we dwell on the shit we got dealt?  Do we hold that hand for years trying to make it work, only to fail?  Or do we throw our hand in the air, let the cards hit the poker table and walk away from the game?

You know for the last 8 months my life has been turned upside-down.  I have realized through it all I am still holding onto a poker hand that, well - It has drained all my money, and as much as I try, this hand is shit.

I have decided to throw in the cards.  Fuck this game.  The dealer is yanking my chain, and the other players have used me to their advantage.  If I want the good in my life to work, I need to find a new table.  I will deal my own damn cards - I will take the lead and be the dealer. 

If I work hard and be kind, amazing things will happen. - Thank you Conan O'Brien, you said it best...  I will not be like those in my life, I fear I will be like.  I will be Jessica Lee - Born, without choice, into this world on April 26th 1983, but from here on out the game will be on my terms, my rules.  I am happy and I will NOT let my past hand, mess up my Royal Flush!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Definition of love?? Hmmm....

You know today we were out in the garage, Beau and I, I sat in a chair watching him work on his vehicle and I just kept thinking to myself, I want this.  I want this.  I want to sit in "Our" garage feeling the cool breeze while he does what he enjoys and I do the same by checking on dinner, picking up, and inbetween just sitting there watching... listening to him talk about cars, while thinking I wish I knew what he was talking about. 

I used to not have a clue about what I wanted, but everyday it seems to get clearer, and clearer.  While listening to him chatter on about headlights in the back of my mind I could hear the pitter patter of childrens feet in the background.  The undeniable joy and innocence in a childs laughter...  Its so weird to hear/think things such as these when I have always believed I would never find the right person, I would only settle and in that - children are not something I wanted.  The thought of bringing a child into a love-less home did not suit me very well.  But I am guessing the reason for these "left field" thoughts about children are from being in love with the person I am with.

Right now,  I am sitting here on the couch thinking, how can I finish this blog so I can go lay in his arms.  I guess I will end it with this -

If you can not honestly say you are not in love with the one you are with, maybe it isnt right.  I spent years of my life in a love-less home... if not all of my life.  I feel as though I have never in my 26 years of existance, never have I seen a truly loving relationship between two people, until just under 5 months ago when it was provided to me, when I least expected it.

I have a new definition of love.

Love - The uncontrollable feeling in the pit of your stomach when your with another human being.  A feeling of sheer Happiness.  A feeling of completion.  A feeling of falling in a hole and you know there is no bottom... its scary but you know you are safe.  You will never hit the bottom so what is there to fear.  Love is more than the feeling you get when you are served your favorite meal.  Love is more than the feeling you get when you win the lottery.  Love is Amazing.  Love has no boundaries, has no control, and lastly - it makes you feel at peace.

Goodnight world.
Jessica

Saturday, January 9, 2010

10 Things a Good Boyfriend wouldn't ask you to do...?

So I opened Yahoo.com and there was a huge things for 10 things a 'Good Boyfriend' wont ask you to do... and I read through the list thinking this:

#1. His laundry


Pairing your socks isn't exactly our idea of a stay-at-home date, nor does living with you make us a 1950s housewife. A good compromise is for one partner to sort and start the laundry and the other to fold and put it away. Plus, studies show that helping around the house can increase intimacy. So, how 'bout that pile of dishes? If you clean up the sink while we tackle the living room, we'll be more likely to cuddle.
 
My Rebuttal:  Actually right this second I am waiting for the dryer to ding because I am de-wrinkling his shirts.  Just because I like to do my man's laundry does not make me a 1950's housewife.  Now... A 'Good Boyfriend' will do things without hesitation.  A 'Good Girlfriend' would do the same.  Also - As long as he picks up after himself, I keep the rest clean... and our 'intimacy' well - lets just say there is no way to increase it, thank you.
 
#2. Buy gifts and cards for other people on his behalf


We'll help when we're out with you, but no, we won't make a pit stop at Hallmark and Laura Ashley while we're shopping with the girls. Just because we're women doesn't mean we're automatically adept at figuring out your Aunt Martha's dress size.
 
My Rebuttal:  Thats Crap.  Men are not naturally emotional creatures.  They do not think about Aunt Martha's Birthday coming up, or even how old she will be turning.  Men have basic instincts to provide for themselves and their families.  Although they love 'Aunt Martha' just the same, a card is not at the top of their lists.  But as women we know they care about family and we know mailing out a card or a gift letting 'Aunt Martha' know he was thinking about her - connects the dots that most men don't think about.
 
 #3. Plan an entire vacation without his help


When we ask you whether you'd rather spend our anniversary in Cabo or Vermont, we want you to express an actual preference, not to say, "Whatever, I'm happy with what makes you happy." The same goes for the hotel, the airline, and the restaurant reservations. Letting us take the reins isn't considerate, it's just lazy and boring. Instead, make sure to divvy up the planning. We pick the location and hotel, you plan the activities.
 
 
My Rebuttal:  Okay, I'd like to start of by saying, the woman that wrote this - Obviously has a gay man as a boyfriend.  I am sorry.  Men do not pay attention to detail.  As I stated earlier men have basic instincts and thats it.  Mosgt don't give a shit where they go - Mostly because they know the most important thing - THEY ARENT AT WORK!  Anything is better than the same ol same ol.   They also know they dont want to get on your bad side for not setting up the 'activities' how you want them.  Women naturally lead on crap like this, just because a man doesnt plan out his whole vacation does not make him lazy or boring...  Secondly - If you plan the hotel and the location, he will simply say okay, relax at the hotel, or the beach maybe do some sight seeing.  Men don't need detail to survive - Women do.
 
#4. Make him a sandwich


The refrigerator is 10 feet away and your game control has a pause button, so get up, stretch, and slap that ham and lettuce together by yourself. We don't care if you're "in the zone," because apparently, you were out of it long enough to articulate your immediate need for a nibble. Maybe we'll consider it if you agree to break from the game for 20 minutes, put on some coffee, and enjoy your afternoon snack with us.
 
My Rebuttal:  First off - If you are a housewife, making him a sandwich should be just something you do - Taking care of your husband, your children and your home - Thats a housewifes Job.  A Husband to a housewifes - His job is to provide for his family - Shelter, food, clothing, and also to provide her time to do her thing and have her breaks as well.  If you are Not a housewife - then it would depend on what your doing - Your in the kitchen? Making him a sandwich.  If your relaxing on the couch as well, ask him to pause it and you can both go in the kitchen to make one.  If your off doing your own thing and he has guys over - wouldnt you want to make it for them so you dont end up with a mess in your kitchen? 
 
In any event - if he was in the kitchen and you were watching TV and you asked him to make you something... if you respond to the above statement with a 'he would tell me to get it' then your with a bad boyfriend - Dont make him a sandwich.  If your answer is 'Yes he'd make me a sandwich'  then Yes, make the man a damn sandwich!
 
#5. Change your relationship status on Facebook


We believe our life outside of the Internet should speak for itself. On the off-chance that we break up, wouldn't you rather tell your close friends in person, rather than have that ever-present broken heart appear on 500 people's newsfeeds? Well, we would, so don't even ask us to include our relationship status on Facebook in the first place.
 
My Rebuttal:  Sooooo... Are you saying it is okay he can leave his facebook stating he is single with all his single 'girl' friends on their?  Thats gay.  My Bf changed his and stated I was his girl before I even thought about it...  Now that my friends - Is a good boyfriend.
 
#6. Be his wake-up call


Really, buy an alarm clock. Remembering a man's nap and wakeup schedule should be an occasional favor, not an everyday obligation.
 
My Rebuttal:  Are you kidding?  Your taking this shit too far.  Listen, if my man was away and he asked me to give him a wake up call to get up for work, I would love too.  Knowing that he wants to hear my voice first thing when he wakes up, makes me smile - Even if thats not why he requested it.  And I know I wouldn't mind hearing his every morning.  So - Him asking you to call and wake him up - Does not make him a bad boyfriend.
 
#7. Hang out with his ex


Some women like befriending the ex, and others just want to satisfy their curiosity about her, but don't pressure the ones who would rather keep a distance.
 
My Rebuttal:  Well I dont have one for this one.  This one I actually agree with.  I couldn't hang out with my man and his 'ex' there is a reason they are 'exes' in the first place.  Not that I would have any reason to worry or be jealous about... Thats why he is my man and not hers. =-0
 
#8. Keep up with his favorite shows


How would you like it if we made you religiously watch Desperate Housewives? Instead, let's pick a show we both like and make sure we follow it together.
 
My Rebuttal:  Well, why cant you both have your own shows?  I know my BF asked me to watch a show and I fell in love with it, so maybe you should give it a try before jumping down his throat.  And maybe each having your 'show time' gives you space... no reason to think that would make him a bad BF.
 
#9. Lose weight


We'll tone up for health purposes and for ourselves, but if you're really concerned about the 5 lbs we gained over the holidays, don't flat-out complain that we're getting flabby. Instead, invite us to go biking with you or to take a yoga class together. Treat exercise as a fun activity we can do together instead of something that we should do just for you.
 
My Rebuttal:  Okay, mixed feelings on this one.  No one wants to hear they need to lose weight.  But if your man tells you, okay, that flabbiness coming out is unattractive, would you rather he tell you about it or cheat on you after a few years of falling out of love with you.  Men are visual beings, don't shoot them for it... it is how they are.  IE  -  Women can read 'Love' Novels and get themselves off; but men can not.  Men need to see whats going on, hear it, feel it.  Also - It goes both ways, a couple needs to talk about things like that, I mean - if you love one another, you want to keep each other around for years to come... right?
 
#10. Keep our hair long


Trust us, short hair is cute, fun, and just as feminine as back-length hair. Just look at Halle Berry, Audrey Tautou and Keira Knightley, circa 2005. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Rihanna's hairstyles, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive..
 
My Rebuttal:  Okay, I personally think Halle Berry looks like a man with no hair.  I dont know, my BF did ask me to keep mine long, but I cut it a little anyways.  Just because a man asks something of you doesnt mean you have to follow it and it certainly doesnt make him a bad BF.   Maybe he is turned on by long hair.  Naturally we would all have long hair maybe it is human nature to be turned on by long sexy hair on women. 
 
 
 
In any event, I think this list is crap.  Just my opinion but I think stuff like this gets women thinking they have it bad, and they really don't.  
 
Now here is a real list of '10 things a Good Boyfriend wouldn't ask you to do?'
 
1.  Have a Three-some with his Ex Girlfriend.
 
Now thats just wrong on so many levels.   I would certainly think to myself - he is a bad boyfriend.

2.  After only a short time dating, he asks you to co-sign for him to get a brand new car.

Expecially if I am driving an older car... I'd wonder why he couldnt sign for it himself or have anyone from his past do so.

3.  Ask if his Ex can move in.

Umm... Thats F-ed up.

4.  Ask to borrow money.

Now in certain situations this would be okay, but you need to make sure your not dating a 'Mooch'

5.  He asks you to wake him up every morning in a sexual manner.

Well, sometimes this is fun, but we are not sex machines... if you want one of those buy a 'Real doll' and do her when you wake up.

6.  Asks you to marry him after a week of dating.

You will NEVER know someone completely in a year, nevermind in a week.  Give it time.  I wouldnt say he is a bad boyfriend for asking you in a week, but I would say he has some problems.

7.  Asks you to leave the seat UP.

Umm, I am a firm believer in, I put the seat down to pee, then you put the f-ing thing up.  Kinda works both ways huh?

8.  Asks you to Cook, Clean, do his laundry, and his errans.

Now, I am the kinda girl that likes to do things for my man, but I am not so much a fan of waking up to a laundry list of shit to do for him.

9.  He asks you to kiss his moms ass.

Hahaha. (Insert witty comment here) hahahaha... Umm no.

10.  He asks you to be his baby's Mama.

Ha, That should be Number one... Thats messed up.  Not to mention ghetto.  If a man ever said to me, I want you to be my 'Baby's Mama'  That would be the end of that road.  Now after dating for a long time, marriage, and such, a man said to me 'I want you to be the mother of my Children.'  -  Thats a sexy way of saying it, kind of beautiful in a way.



Luckily, My Boyfriend has never said any of the top then I listed, So I am thinking he is a good boyfriend.  Better yet I know he is an Amazing Boyfriend.   As for the list above that, most of thats crap.  I hope women do not read shit like that and think they have it bad, and lose something good because of it.

Make your own top then list of shitty things a man will ask you to do, if your man does them - Maybe he isn't right for you.

Good luck!
Jess

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

My Personal Goals for 2010...

Before December 31st of 2010, I will accomplish the following;

1.  Start working out on a regular basis
2.  Lose an additional 37 pounds Making my total weightloss: 220 pounds
3.  Get a good paying Job with good Benefits
4.  Have my Plastic Surgery in the works of happening.
5.  Decide what I want to do for a career
6.  Start Classes at a Cape Fear

7.  Make a trip to New Hampshire for Beau to meet my family and friends


So far thats what I have got, but I will add to this as I go ....

So strong, yet so weak, and so in love...

It's amazing where the last 8 months have lead me.  I have - in 8 months - seen both the best and the worst in myself... it really is amazing.  I wish I could take everyone in my life, and put them on a rollercoasted called "Jess's last 8 months" so they can understand the mental and physical parts of lossing 180 pounds.

Beyond that I wish I could express the amazing feeling I get when I am around Beau.  The feeling of love, excitement, I am almost unable to control my heart wanting to scream.  I get excited thinking about the future, this has never happened before.  I used to not care and live for the moment because I did not expect to reach my next birthday.  Now I pray for another 100 years, I could spend here on earth, in his arms. 

I dont know.  It is so weird going from being so lonely but wanting to be alone because you hate the one your with to being so in love you never want to leave his side...

I need to go to bed, Sleep deprived... but happy :-D

Saturday, January 2, 2010

My name is Jessica and...

I hate walking barefoot on rocks,
I hate when it rains and I just did my make up,
I hate when shirts I buy don't come down long enough,
I hate not knowing when to stop arguing,
I hate being alone for a long period of time,
I hate not being loved,
I hate the fact I have to battle my weight and many others don't,
I hate that I am not a clean freak but try hard to be one,
I hate that I during serious conversations my mind won't slow down enough to make sense,
I hate that I try to make everyone else happy and forget whose most important-myself,
I hate when I spend all day in the kitchen and someone puts ketchup all over what I made,
I hate forgetting what I am doing in the middle of doing it,
I hate when people don't like me,
I hate...

I love the smell of Pine-sol,
I love cooking,
I love complex history,
I love my free-spirited personality,
I love good-hearted people,
I love all animals just scared of most,
I love how simple and complex nature is,
I love knowing how small I am compared to the universe,
I love walking barefoot in the sand,
I love when it storms while I fall asleep,
I love watching the ocean waves hitting the sand,
I love watching birds in mid flight,
I love being in love,
I love being complex yet simple to please,
I love being open minded,
I love being outspoken,
I love...

I need to be told I am loved even though I think I love them more,
I need to learn to love myself,
I need to know I am needed,
I need to learn its okay to need someone else too,
I need to be alone sometimes to collect my thoughts,
I need to learn to be self sufficient,
I need to learn to finish something I start,
I need to...

I want to travel the world,
I want to have a man feel like he can't live without me,
I want to know the day I say "I do" will be for real - true love at its finest,
I want to see tears in my husbands eyes when I hand him his first child,
I want to buy my first home with a big bathtub,
I want to wake up every morning happy to be alive,
I want to ...

Life doesn't have to be as complex as I make it sometimes,
Life can be all I want, need, love, and more if I make it,


The meaning of life, is to live it.  There is no complex meaning to life, but to live it as positive and as full as we can. 

The meaning of life is - finding happiness, because it is the only key to success.  True success.

-Jessica

A Picture says a Thousand Words...



They say a photo says a thousand words, but I believe this picture says a million.  I remember the night the photo on the left was taken.  That night we had just left Olive Garden, where I had the endless bowl of Creamy Garlic Chicken Alfredo and Breadsticks.  We noticed the locals were playing baseball so we watched while eating our Dairy Queen, where I had a Large Banana Cream Pie Blizzard.  When I was dropped off from hanging out with my friends I spent the next hour trying to throw up the ten pounds of pasta and blizzard I had eaten earlier.  While sitting on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet I cried while asking God why he tortured me by keeping me here on this earth and asking him if I should go ahead and take my life in my own hands and end it.  I spent the night in bed crying until I fell asleep, alone.

The photo on the right tells a different story.  That photo was taken in North Carolina.  Where I was woken up in the morning for a kiss from a man that warms my heart.  I got dressed to run some errans and after getting dressed in jeans and a teeshirt I found in the closet, and threw my hair up...  looked at myself in the mirror and said out-loud, "Thank you."  No other words were needed, I think the big man upstairs heard my heart screaming with happiness.