Dear Diary 6/2/2011 - Fresh start

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up at 5am... wth!  I couldnt believe it, I even tried to snuggle up to the love of my life, and still couldn't fall asleep!  So I sat on the couch and decided I would go out and get some coffee and then come back to the house to relax a bit.

One thing I have had on my mind is the fact my weightloss has not progressed further than where it is.  It has stayed at about what it has been for quite a while.  At one point I gained back and went to exactly 200 pounds.  I was struck with fear and have since watched my weight and got it back down to about where I wanted to be when I first started this progress.

At 400+ pounds I said I would give anything to be 185.  I have gotten to that point and have not been able to progress below this and I know it is because of my lack of fight. 

I have decided today I am starting back - fighting.  I never want to be that person again and if I do not focus I will never make my goal of being in the center of the healthy BMI levels which means I need to lose an additional 25 pounds. 

Some people say that weightloss is easy if you have surgery and they have no idea unless they have been there.  It is not easy, expecially when you have had so many complications it puts you couch-ridden. 

I have decided to get my fight back, not only for me, but for the fact that in 1 1/2 months I have to do a photo for the front cover of my book.  I want that cover to show my 80+ inches of scars that have brought me from the person I once was to the person I am today.  The second reason I want to do this is because I want to prove I am on my way, I am successful.  This struggle is like anyone else, food is a battle, working out is a battle, and fighting off the pain and struggles and not turning to food is really the battle.

So - here is to a fresh start.  For me, no one else.  Very few have been there through thick and thin and I continue to remind myself that not everyone is what they say they are. 

I am a good person, I am a strong woman, I am a tough female ready to fight for what I want.  The fight in me died for a little while but it is back - complications or not - NO ONE will tell me I am a loss cause.  No one will tell me I am not going to make it.  I will make it and I dont even care to prove myself to anyone.  I will make it for me and MY future.  I have always said, "its your choice to be part of my life," and I want to take that back.  It is my decision.  I am strong and I will do this for me, Life will follow.

To those of you who have always been there regardless; never judged, never used me for their own gain, never turned me away in my time of need, never stopped listening - You are my added strength  -  thank you.

Jessica

Dear Diary 6/1/2011 - I sure do love "know-it-alls"

Dear Diary,

So June 13th, I have an additional appointment for an Upper GI for them to look into what is going on in my system and what causes my pain every time I eat, use the bathroom, anything pertaining to my stomach.  When I bend down I am in pain.  This is not normal so we are working on trying to get the answers asap, and trying to fix them NOW.

Now I am sure your questioning the title... I just have to get my thoughts out there for the jerk-offs that think they know everything.  First of all - NO ONE KNOWS EVERYTHING, so STOP trying to prove to me that you are trying to "be there" when you Always have something negative to say. 

To the person I am talking to - your surgery went great - your reconstructive surgeries went perfect, and you always have family to give to your every spoiled need.  You have no idea what it is like to fight for life or struggles  -   so - STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD.  You are jealous that I am in the process of publishing a book and to be honest - When I am ready to release it -  I will.  You have absolutely NO right to throw in my face ANYTHING when the fact is, you don't know where I am today and if i died tomorrow, you would probably be the last to find out because of your own mean ways.  True friends stand by one another even if they disagree with the other's decision, and they give their opinion, they don't walk away and act all "Im better than you" when we BOTH KNOW you are NOT.  SO - lets just let it be, you do you, I will do me, we stay out of each others lives, and the world still turns.

Off to a different topic because I am still in shock this person had the GAWL to text me instead of answering any of my calls. 

You know what - Im not moving on.... I DONT CARE!  Here is how I REALLY FEEL!

I CAN NOT STAND PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE.  YOU WERE ONCE FAT - SO STOP MAKING FUN OF THOSE WHO STILL ARE!  STOP JUDGING!!  NOT EVERYONE HAS THE ABILITY TO GET THE SURGERY - SO STAND BY THOSE IN NEED, DON'T  DEGRADE THEM IN AND MAKE THEM FEEL BAD - STOP FORGETING YOU WERE FAT ONCE!  MADE FUN OF, TOLD NASTY THINGS!  Grow up... I really hope one day you get your head out of your ass and realize the world does not revolve around you and that you are NO BETTER than anyone else.  I hope you find a friend that stands by you as I did after you CONTINOUSLY do things to them to hurt them... Ive learned my lesson and I am okay with my mistakes. 

And dont you ever text me, call, write, nothing - be respectful - dont tell me I am "gaining weight" DO YOU LOOK AT MY F$%^&*ING SCALE EVERY MORNING WITH ME???  Stupid .... GRRR Im so mad but you know what.... final thought -

I am no better than anyone else, and I try my damnest to be there for those in need - try it - its humbling to not feel like the world revolves around me.  I am greatful and respectful of EVERYONE and know not everything works in the way we always hope.  The book I am about to have published will be amazing, and it will be great and it will help others in need.  It is honest and it is truthful.  The only things I left out was all the BULLSHIT you did to me, and I made sure to paint you as an angel - have a nice life.