Dear Diary,
Why do people judge others simply by the way they look? I guess when you pick up a DVD, you do so 1 -because you heard it was a good movie or 2 - the cover was appealing. This seems to be how most people judge others 1 - You get to know them because you have friends whom are friends with them or heard they were nice or funny or 2 - their cover is appealing. What if every DVD cover looked the same? Then what would we do? We would be forced to get to know the DVDs contents. This was just something I was thinking about on my 4 and a half hour drive today.
On that drive I also actually caught a glimps of "being in the moment." Has this ever happened to you? Where you stop all thought process are think how wonderful it is to simply be alive? With everything going as fast pace as it is going, with family issues, work issues, health issues, etc - Just to stop and think about the value of just life in general is amazing.
You are free to do whatever you want with your life, so why waste the little bit of time you have here on earth with petty nonsense -
Think of it this way - If you live to 80 years old - that is only 29,200 days. You will only wake up 29,200 mornings, and go to sleep 29,200 nights. How about Hours - 700,800 hours in a lifetime if you live til your 80, and sleeping is a 1/3 of that time - 467,200 is what you are left with. Make every one of those 29.200 days count! Life your life to the Fullest!! Time is counting down and you are wasting it being unhappy.
Find your happiness!!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Diary Entry - 2.22.10
Dear Diary,
So it has been a few days since I have written - Sorry for the delay. My friend came down from up north, so I have been hanging out with her, we spent the weekend at Myrtle Beach, had a ball! Showed her the strip, went shopping at the coach outlet, as well as everything else at the Tanger Mall and I even got to teach her beach bingo! It was awesome. We just got back today, and spent the evening having a couple drinks, the new Dominos pizza... Let me just say AMAZING - we got the Thin Crust it had - Light Cheese, Spinach, Feta, Tomatos, Black olives, Banana Peppers, Onions, Green Peppers, Roasted Red Peppers, and mushrooms - and I dipped it in Mango Habanero Sauce ... Was indeed the BEST thing I have ever eaten!!! Sadly as I am writing this I am still drinking like a fish because the Habanero sauce was SPICY!
Well, after dinner and everyone started falling asleep, I went in an laid down with Beau to relax... I have felt this way for a long time, but it hit me tonight - I could NOT imagine my life without that man in it. Its so weird to be telling him I love him for a few months now, and how amazing it was to fall in love with him - but to actually feel like I could not live my life without him; Now that is crazy.
Anyways on to other news... I got into a huge fight with a friend of mine of nearly 20 years. Maybe I should have just blown off a few things that were said, but I just couldnt. I am expecting it to blow over sooner than later, but the ball is certainly in her court.
I learned something though during this fight - I have grown so much post op. I am no longer that woman that would hide her frustrations and just try to make everyone laugh so they might take their minds off my weight... Now I see things in a different light. I was told I have changed both mentally and physically - and when this was said, it was meant to be negative. But after reading over the email a few times I realized something -
I have changed mentally and physically. I see life for what it is now. I see that it is not as scary as I made it out to be. I dont always have to be the "Funny" one in the group, and it is okay to just be me. I have learned over the past few months there is a real thing in the wording "true love" I have true love in myself. Maybe this is the root of all happiness... Finding love for yourself, and not just love like I love that pizza I had tonight, I mean true love - as in I LOVE waking up in the morning, I LOVE looking in the mirror and seeing "Jessica."
I used to say there comes a time in everyones life when they come to a intersection where a turn needs to be made, a decision, a change, all for the positive... My intersection has taken me now 9 months to cross, and I think there is another one coming - greatest part about that is, I am no longer scared of the changes in my life, every change in the past 9 months has been amazing.
I Love My Life.
Jessica
So it has been a few days since I have written - Sorry for the delay. My friend came down from up north, so I have been hanging out with her, we spent the weekend at Myrtle Beach, had a ball! Showed her the strip, went shopping at the coach outlet, as well as everything else at the Tanger Mall and I even got to teach her beach bingo! It was awesome. We just got back today, and spent the evening having a couple drinks, the new Dominos pizza... Let me just say AMAZING - we got the Thin Crust it had - Light Cheese, Spinach, Feta, Tomatos, Black olives, Banana Peppers, Onions, Green Peppers, Roasted Red Peppers, and mushrooms - and I dipped it in Mango Habanero Sauce ... Was indeed the BEST thing I have ever eaten!!! Sadly as I am writing this I am still drinking like a fish because the Habanero sauce was SPICY!
Well, after dinner and everyone started falling asleep, I went in an laid down with Beau to relax... I have felt this way for a long time, but it hit me tonight - I could NOT imagine my life without that man in it. Its so weird to be telling him I love him for a few months now, and how amazing it was to fall in love with him - but to actually feel like I could not live my life without him; Now that is crazy.
Anyways on to other news... I got into a huge fight with a friend of mine of nearly 20 years. Maybe I should have just blown off a few things that were said, but I just couldnt. I am expecting it to blow over sooner than later, but the ball is certainly in her court.
I learned something though during this fight - I have grown so much post op. I am no longer that woman that would hide her frustrations and just try to make everyone laugh so they might take their minds off my weight... Now I see things in a different light. I was told I have changed both mentally and physically - and when this was said, it was meant to be negative. But after reading over the email a few times I realized something -
I have changed mentally and physically. I see life for what it is now. I see that it is not as scary as I made it out to be. I dont always have to be the "Funny" one in the group, and it is okay to just be me. I have learned over the past few months there is a real thing in the wording "true love" I have true love in myself. Maybe this is the root of all happiness... Finding love for yourself, and not just love like I love that pizza I had tonight, I mean true love - as in I LOVE waking up in the morning, I LOVE looking in the mirror and seeing "Jessica."
I used to say there comes a time in everyones life when they come to a intersection where a turn needs to be made, a decision, a change, all for the positive... My intersection has taken me now 9 months to cross, and I think there is another one coming - greatest part about that is, I am no longer scared of the changes in my life, every change in the past 9 months has been amazing.
I Love My Life.
Jessica
Monday, February 15, 2010
Diary Entry 2.15.10
Dear Diary,
I was in the middle of watching "Elevator Girl" one of those "Love Story" movies on the Hallmark channel when I started to get this feeling... this feeling of happiness for the two people in the mist of falling in love. Not only did I feel happiness, but it was actually the same feeling I get when Beau pulls me close hugging me tightly and kissing my forhead... Yeah - It was that feeling. I am not sure what this feeling is called, but I can tell you it is the happiest feeling I have ever gotten in my entire life.
I started to think and had to pause the movie. I have never had this feeling before, never have I felt so good about a love story movie, generally they would just upset me, or not make any sense. This movie is the first romantic movie I have watched since surgery. It shocked me when the thought ran through my mind, that they are normal, and normal people fall in love in odd situations, and it doesnt feel forced, or you dont feel like he is the only one who will ever act as if he loves you.
to be continued!
I was in the middle of watching "Elevator Girl" one of those "Love Story" movies on the Hallmark channel when I started to get this feeling... this feeling of happiness for the two people in the mist of falling in love. Not only did I feel happiness, but it was actually the same feeling I get when Beau pulls me close hugging me tightly and kissing my forhead... Yeah - It was that feeling. I am not sure what this feeling is called, but I can tell you it is the happiest feeling I have ever gotten in my entire life.
I started to think and had to pause the movie. I have never had this feeling before, never have I felt so good about a love story movie, generally they would just upset me, or not make any sense. This movie is the first romantic movie I have watched since surgery. It shocked me when the thought ran through my mind, that they are normal, and normal people fall in love in odd situations, and it doesnt feel forced, or you dont feel like he is the only one who will ever act as if he loves you.
to be continued!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Diary Entry 2.12.2010
Dear Diary,
I am getting warm, Why you ask? Well, I just came in from one of the single most exciting experiences of my life. Playing in the Snow here in North Carolina. Up north snow was so common, but down here people get as excited as they would if it were Christmas... I jumped in on the fun, and boy was it exciting. Beau didn't want to go play in the snow at first, because we were already in bed and getting warm, but I was persistant, and told him I really wanted to go play in it - So he jumped out of bed and got dressed and ran out the door. I thought, Oh no, I think I upset him... So I laid there in bed, waiting to see what would happen... He came in, ripped the covers off me and ... You wont believe this - He THREW A SNOW BALL AT ME!!! In bed!!!! Then he left the room and went back outside... As soon as I heard the door close, I jumped up and started getting dressed as fast as I could. I ran outside with Two pairs of socks, One for my hands, and one to put on his. Like children we played in the snow.
This was one of the dreams I had since being in my teens. Playing in the snow with the man of my dreams, this man I have searched for all of my life, I finally found him and tonight - tonight he made one of my most important dreams come true. He is my soul mate.
After we came in and dressed into warm clothes I decided he made of my of dreams come true so even though it is 2 days before Valentines, I had to give him one of his gifts. It was a collage of four photos that I absolutely adore with the title below stating "August 30th 2009" This was, so far, the most important day of my life. This was the day he walked into my life. He is my everything. In return he gave me mine. I could have never imagined, it was the most beautiful necklace I have ever laid my eyes on. In the shape of a heart with beautiful diamonds, hanging on a beautiful chain. He said to me, since I have his heart already, I could wear this one and have it with me all the time. I hide the tears in my eyes the best I could and turned to have him put it on my neck, after removing the necklace I have worn for the last 17 years. This one I hope to wear for as long, if not longer. And having it be His Heart... I hope to wear it for eternity.
Well, thats it for me, Im going to go cuddle next to the man of my dreams...
Good Night world.
I am getting warm, Why you ask? Well, I just came in from one of the single most exciting experiences of my life. Playing in the Snow here in North Carolina. Up north snow was so common, but down here people get as excited as they would if it were Christmas... I jumped in on the fun, and boy was it exciting. Beau didn't want to go play in the snow at first, because we were already in bed and getting warm, but I was persistant, and told him I really wanted to go play in it - So he jumped out of bed and got dressed and ran out the door. I thought, Oh no, I think I upset him... So I laid there in bed, waiting to see what would happen... He came in, ripped the covers off me and ... You wont believe this - He THREW A SNOW BALL AT ME!!! In bed!!!! Then he left the room and went back outside... As soon as I heard the door close, I jumped up and started getting dressed as fast as I could. I ran outside with Two pairs of socks, One for my hands, and one to put on his. Like children we played in the snow.
This was one of the dreams I had since being in my teens. Playing in the snow with the man of my dreams, this man I have searched for all of my life, I finally found him and tonight - tonight he made one of my most important dreams come true. He is my soul mate.
After we came in and dressed into warm clothes I decided he made of my of dreams come true so even though it is 2 days before Valentines, I had to give him one of his gifts. It was a collage of four photos that I absolutely adore with the title below stating "August 30th 2009" This was, so far, the most important day of my life. This was the day he walked into my life. He is my everything. In return he gave me mine. I could have never imagined, it was the most beautiful necklace I have ever laid my eyes on. In the shape of a heart with beautiful diamonds, hanging on a beautiful chain. He said to me, since I have his heart already, I could wear this one and have it with me all the time. I hide the tears in my eyes the best I could and turned to have him put it on my neck, after removing the necklace I have worn for the last 17 years. This one I hope to wear for as long, if not longer. And having it be His Heart... I hope to wear it for eternity.
Well, thats it for me, Im going to go cuddle next to the man of my dreams...
Good Night world.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Diary Entry 2.11.2010
Dear Diary,
I am getting ready for bed, and decided, I seem to be on a roll with my diary entries, so I need to make sure to put one in again tonight. Sooo... Sunday is Valentine's Day, and I was hoping the gift I have for Beau would be ready but after calling to check on it this morning, it looks like something happened and it wont be ready until the middle of next week! I was really upset, but at least I was able to pick up the other thing I made for him, I think he will like it - but it is not the other thing, and since I know he reads this blog, I cant tell yall what it is hehe. But I know he will like it, I love it.
So, besides that I didnt do a whole lot today, things seem to be slow and drawn out since I dont have a job. But Feb 25th, I am supposed to start at Verizon... I am super excited about it. Will be nice to have steady incoming in so I can feel like an equal part to our relationship, as well it would build my confidence. I also signed up to get information for a few online schools so I can choose what I would like to get into... That was one of my goals, and I have finally gotten focused on it. I am in hopes that in the beginning of March I can go to the local community school to look into what they have to offer there too.
So at least that can be in the works. Besides that today didnt have much to it. I am going to go to bed early tonight so I can get up at a decent time tomorrow. I may not have a lot to do during the day, but I feel like Im sleeping my life away when I get up at noon.
I know I talk about him a lot, but I am so thankful to have someone so amazing in my life, he really fits me like a puzzle and its amazing to feel as loved as he does me... and it is great to love someone as deeply as I do him. It really is awesome.
Anyways, Goodnight world!
I am getting ready for bed, and decided, I seem to be on a roll with my diary entries, so I need to make sure to put one in again tonight. Sooo... Sunday is Valentine's Day, and I was hoping the gift I have for Beau would be ready but after calling to check on it this morning, it looks like something happened and it wont be ready until the middle of next week! I was really upset, but at least I was able to pick up the other thing I made for him, I think he will like it - but it is not the other thing, and since I know he reads this blog, I cant tell yall what it is hehe. But I know he will like it, I love it.
So, besides that I didnt do a whole lot today, things seem to be slow and drawn out since I dont have a job. But Feb 25th, I am supposed to start at Verizon... I am super excited about it. Will be nice to have steady incoming in so I can feel like an equal part to our relationship, as well it would build my confidence. I also signed up to get information for a few online schools so I can choose what I would like to get into... That was one of my goals, and I have finally gotten focused on it. I am in hopes that in the beginning of March I can go to the local community school to look into what they have to offer there too.
So at least that can be in the works. Besides that today didnt have much to it. I am going to go to bed early tonight so I can get up at a decent time tomorrow. I may not have a lot to do during the day, but I feel like Im sleeping my life away when I get up at noon.
I know I talk about him a lot, but I am so thankful to have someone so amazing in my life, he really fits me like a puzzle and its amazing to feel as loved as he does me... and it is great to love someone as deeply as I do him. It really is awesome.
Anyways, Goodnight world!
Diary Entry 2.10.10
Dear Diary,
So today was pretty uneventful. I wasn't even going to write in my diary tonight, but after a brief conversation with a friend of mine, whom recently re-entered my life, I thought maybe I should. Having a lot running through my brain and getting it out whether through typing or through writing always seems to help me.
We were talking about her mother, and the simularities between mine and hers. Its kind of funny actually. Have you ever thought to yourself, 'Is there someone out there just like me?' 'Dealing with the same bullshit I do on a dialy basis?' And you question... 'How the hell are they doing it, are they making it as well as I?'
Its funny, but I believe maybe I asked God too many times these questions, so much so, he put her in my life to show me, I am not the only one. Every boyfriend, every problem, every family member... It seems we are one in the same, but in two different bodies. Maybe that is why I feel a connection to her, as if she was my sister. We fight, dont talk for months, and then all of a sudden, I feel like that void in my life has returned, when she does.
I know to most people if her and I were to sit down and say all the nasty things we have done to one another, all the hurtful things we have said... they would say - "Why the hell are they still friends??" Well - I cant answer that. But I can say I am thankful for it.
She is someone I know if I say something I shouldnt, she will understand. If I say something ignorant, she will not put me down, if I do something, like stay in an abusive relationship and push her away when she tries to help...she will be there when I break down. She is a good friend... Better yet, she is my best friend.
So with all that being said I can say this, there is someone out there - Just like you. Going through the same pain as you... going through the same happiness as you. If you question God long enough, maybe he will see you need proof face to face - as he has given me.
On to another topic.
I don't really know if I can call myself a certain religion... But I heard something the other day that puts all my beliefs into perspective. The person said, "I believe in all paths to God." This is something I whole heartedly believe in. Do I go to church? No. Do I say "Jesus" without talking to him? Yes. Do I swear? Yes. Do I curse my mother and my father? Yes. Do I do things intensionally to piss people off? Sometimes. Do I know everything in the bible? No. Have I read the bible? No. Have I researched the bible? Yes. Do I believe in the words of the bible? Not all of them. Do I believe the bible was written to keep society on a certain path? Absolutely. Do I think the bible was completely written by the hand of God? Not really.
I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes I feel like a Hypocrite. Something that I do not often speak about, because when I do, I know it is hard for people to believe. I remember Heaven. I remember having dreams of this place when I was a child, I have yet to have one since. I often forget about this experience until I find myself praying to God with my eyes closed and being back in this place. Oh... How to describe Heaven...
I would like to believe I have an old soul, but when I was in heaven I was merely into my teens. I was being cared for by a older woman that appeared to be in her late forties. She had olive colored skin, beautiful peircing blue eyes, she had dark brown hair, and she wore a flowing dark blue dress, it was so beautiful, she was what I consider to be my gaurdian angel. When she came to get me, I was sitting at the stairs to Gods thrown, I remember talking to him while sitting there, as if he was holding me in his arms, comforting me. When my Gaurdian came to get me she asked me to come with her to get cleaned up. So we walked through the temple, it was white, a white you will not see here on earth, So elegant. It was all open, there were huge arches holding up the round top, where you could see right out into the fields all around, The grass was a green you, as well, could not find here on earth. These colors are so vibrant, they are so breath taking, so peaceful. She brought me over to a little personal fountain... there were many of these all around, and other Gaurdians as well with children around my age. She asked me to put my hands into the holy water, where I knew why... I didnt even have to ask, I knew it was to cleanse my soul, to start fresh... as if I had been on earth before, and I was cleansing myself of the past life, to start a new. I do recall asking her, "Will it hurt?" She smiles. I would ask, "Will it hurt to return to earth?" She would respond with, "No baby, its going to be wonderful."
Honestly, after hearing her say that, I recall sticking my hands into the water and thats it. I do not know what happened immediately after that, but I know I am here now. The last time I saw this place was after my grandfather past. I was sitting at my computer desk in New Hampshire, and I remember crying over his photo asking God why. I believe while sitting at my desk, I must have fallen asleep because I remember Being back at the temple, walking down the stairs that surrounded it, down onto the grass... Looking out I could see a flowing river and a beautiful willow tree about a quarter mile forward... as I walked towards this willow tree I recall seeing him sitting there at the foot of this beautiful tree moving ever so slightly with the wind. It was Grandpa. He had a wooden fishing pole, nothing too fancy, it was about 5 feet long and curved slightly at the end with a thin string tied to it - going down into the water. The pole end was buried in the dirt, and Grandpa? Well he was just as I remembered him, but cleaned up and laid back against the trunk of the tree. His hands were tucked behind his neck, and he looked so relaxed. I asked, "Grandpa?" And before I could continue, he smiled. He said, "I am ok, I am happy here. I am the lucky one." I remember wanting to cry, but he just said, "I'm okay baby, its time for you to go back now. Don't worry, I will be here waiting" And that was it.
When I woke from what seemed to be a slumber on my computer desk, a few tears fell from my eyes, I knew he was okay. I knew he was in Heaven, the same place I remember. I know he will be there when I return, along with all the others in my life who are the lucky ones.
So do I believe in Heaven? Yes. Do I believe that I have a relationship with God like no other? Absolutely. Heaven is waiting for me, where I will spend eternity with the ones I hold close to my heart.
So... This brings me to my next topic of the night...
I learned once when I was in Sunday school as a child that if you are not doing well... and life seems to be giving you a hard time, then you are probably not on the path God wants you on. If you are failing, and things are not working out as you would want them to, Your on the wrong path.
This is something that has always been in the back of my mind, but never seemed to make sense to me because every road I turned down, every focus I had - Failed. Every path was difficult, nothing seemed to work out for me. Until Now.
Before having Gastric Bypass last year I couldnt catch a break. I was miserable. IF I would have taken into thought that it was all the wrong path maybe I would have changed it. But after having Gastric Bypass, and turning my life COMPLETELY around - things seem to be coming into perspective. Life seems just a bit easier... and everything I have ever wanted seems to be working into a wonderful path. After moving down here to North Carolina, I thought I would be alone forever, never lose the weight I wanted, and never have what I really wanted - what I didnt realize was, I was foot by foot, making the path God wanted for me. I started losing more weight, I started realizing, I could be alone and happy. I became my own person again. Then I met the man of my dreams, the one I have always dreamt of but could never find, and he was okay with me - being me. I have a job lined up and am actually really starting to think about who I am and where I want to be. No one is forcing their ways on me - I am making my own life. It is wonderful.
Well, I am starting to fall asleep, and have written a book here. But all in all - I want to say this again...
If your life is not going easily as it should be, if your life seems miserable and depressing. If you are not Happy... then you are probably not on the path God designed for you. Its easier to walk with him, and ask him for guidance then to go against him. I feel as though I am finally walking with him... As the foot prints poem states, if you see one set he is carrying you - I think there are two now. I think there are two sets, I am strong enough to walk, but happy to have him by my side.
Goodnight world.
So today was pretty uneventful. I wasn't even going to write in my diary tonight, but after a brief conversation with a friend of mine, whom recently re-entered my life, I thought maybe I should. Having a lot running through my brain and getting it out whether through typing or through writing always seems to help me.
We were talking about her mother, and the simularities between mine and hers. Its kind of funny actually. Have you ever thought to yourself, 'Is there someone out there just like me?' 'Dealing with the same bullshit I do on a dialy basis?' And you question... 'How the hell are they doing it, are they making it as well as I?'
Its funny, but I believe maybe I asked God too many times these questions, so much so, he put her in my life to show me, I am not the only one. Every boyfriend, every problem, every family member... It seems we are one in the same, but in two different bodies. Maybe that is why I feel a connection to her, as if she was my sister. We fight, dont talk for months, and then all of a sudden, I feel like that void in my life has returned, when she does.
I know to most people if her and I were to sit down and say all the nasty things we have done to one another, all the hurtful things we have said... they would say - "Why the hell are they still friends??" Well - I cant answer that. But I can say I am thankful for it.
She is someone I know if I say something I shouldnt, she will understand. If I say something ignorant, she will not put me down, if I do something, like stay in an abusive relationship and push her away when she tries to help...she will be there when I break down. She is a good friend... Better yet, she is my best friend.
So with all that being said I can say this, there is someone out there - Just like you. Going through the same pain as you... going through the same happiness as you. If you question God long enough, maybe he will see you need proof face to face - as he has given me.
On to another topic.
I don't really know if I can call myself a certain religion... But I heard something the other day that puts all my beliefs into perspective. The person said, "I believe in all paths to God." This is something I whole heartedly believe in. Do I go to church? No. Do I say "Jesus" without talking to him? Yes. Do I swear? Yes. Do I curse my mother and my father? Yes. Do I do things intensionally to piss people off? Sometimes. Do I know everything in the bible? No. Have I read the bible? No. Have I researched the bible? Yes. Do I believe in the words of the bible? Not all of them. Do I believe the bible was written to keep society on a certain path? Absolutely. Do I think the bible was completely written by the hand of God? Not really.
I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes I feel like a Hypocrite. Something that I do not often speak about, because when I do, I know it is hard for people to believe. I remember Heaven. I remember having dreams of this place when I was a child, I have yet to have one since. I often forget about this experience until I find myself praying to God with my eyes closed and being back in this place. Oh... How to describe Heaven...
I would like to believe I have an old soul, but when I was in heaven I was merely into my teens. I was being cared for by a older woman that appeared to be in her late forties. She had olive colored skin, beautiful peircing blue eyes, she had dark brown hair, and she wore a flowing dark blue dress, it was so beautiful, she was what I consider to be my gaurdian angel. When she came to get me, I was sitting at the stairs to Gods thrown, I remember talking to him while sitting there, as if he was holding me in his arms, comforting me. When my Gaurdian came to get me she asked me to come with her to get cleaned up. So we walked through the temple, it was white, a white you will not see here on earth, So elegant. It was all open, there were huge arches holding up the round top, where you could see right out into the fields all around, The grass was a green you, as well, could not find here on earth. These colors are so vibrant, they are so breath taking, so peaceful. She brought me over to a little personal fountain... there were many of these all around, and other Gaurdians as well with children around my age. She asked me to put my hands into the holy water, where I knew why... I didnt even have to ask, I knew it was to cleanse my soul, to start fresh... as if I had been on earth before, and I was cleansing myself of the past life, to start a new. I do recall asking her, "Will it hurt?" She smiles. I would ask, "Will it hurt to return to earth?" She would respond with, "No baby, its going to be wonderful."
Honestly, after hearing her say that, I recall sticking my hands into the water and thats it. I do not know what happened immediately after that, but I know I am here now. The last time I saw this place was after my grandfather past. I was sitting at my computer desk in New Hampshire, and I remember crying over his photo asking God why. I believe while sitting at my desk, I must have fallen asleep because I remember Being back at the temple, walking down the stairs that surrounded it, down onto the grass... Looking out I could see a flowing river and a beautiful willow tree about a quarter mile forward... as I walked towards this willow tree I recall seeing him sitting there at the foot of this beautiful tree moving ever so slightly with the wind. It was Grandpa. He had a wooden fishing pole, nothing too fancy, it was about 5 feet long and curved slightly at the end with a thin string tied to it - going down into the water. The pole end was buried in the dirt, and Grandpa? Well he was just as I remembered him, but cleaned up and laid back against the trunk of the tree. His hands were tucked behind his neck, and he looked so relaxed. I asked, "Grandpa?" And before I could continue, he smiled. He said, "I am ok, I am happy here. I am the lucky one." I remember wanting to cry, but he just said, "I'm okay baby, its time for you to go back now. Don't worry, I will be here waiting" And that was it.
When I woke from what seemed to be a slumber on my computer desk, a few tears fell from my eyes, I knew he was okay. I knew he was in Heaven, the same place I remember. I know he will be there when I return, along with all the others in my life who are the lucky ones.
So do I believe in Heaven? Yes. Do I believe that I have a relationship with God like no other? Absolutely. Heaven is waiting for me, where I will spend eternity with the ones I hold close to my heart.
So... This brings me to my next topic of the night...
I learned once when I was in Sunday school as a child that if you are not doing well... and life seems to be giving you a hard time, then you are probably not on the path God wants you on. If you are failing, and things are not working out as you would want them to, Your on the wrong path.
This is something that has always been in the back of my mind, but never seemed to make sense to me because every road I turned down, every focus I had - Failed. Every path was difficult, nothing seemed to work out for me. Until Now.
Before having Gastric Bypass last year I couldnt catch a break. I was miserable. IF I would have taken into thought that it was all the wrong path maybe I would have changed it. But after having Gastric Bypass, and turning my life COMPLETELY around - things seem to be coming into perspective. Life seems just a bit easier... and everything I have ever wanted seems to be working into a wonderful path. After moving down here to North Carolina, I thought I would be alone forever, never lose the weight I wanted, and never have what I really wanted - what I didnt realize was, I was foot by foot, making the path God wanted for me. I started losing more weight, I started realizing, I could be alone and happy. I became my own person again. Then I met the man of my dreams, the one I have always dreamt of but could never find, and he was okay with me - being me. I have a job lined up and am actually really starting to think about who I am and where I want to be. No one is forcing their ways on me - I am making my own life. It is wonderful.
Well, I am starting to fall asleep, and have written a book here. But all in all - I want to say this again...
If your life is not going easily as it should be, if your life seems miserable and depressing. If you are not Happy... then you are probably not on the path God designed for you. Its easier to walk with him, and ask him for guidance then to go against him. I feel as though I am finally walking with him... As the foot prints poem states, if you see one set he is carrying you - I think there are two now. I think there are two sets, I am strong enough to walk, but happy to have him by my side.
Goodnight world.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Diary Entry - 2.9.2010
Today was a good day. I woke up about 1030 in the morning, I was supposed to bring my car with Beau to have someone change the oil and do other stuff to it. Beau made the appointment, my only job was to drive it there and get into the truck with Beau. Its amazing knowing I do not have to deal with anything car related. If something happens, I tell Beau and he looks at it. The stress of keeping up with the maintance and the "sitting in the car crying while the tow man is on the way for it, Bree is on the way for me, and me trying to figure out what am I going to do to pay for this" is no longer an added stress in my life. I finally have someone in my life where, if something like this happens, I have someone to turn to, to help me figure out what is next to be done to fix the issue. I am no longer by myself, thankful for a good friend willing to come get me and listen to me freak out because I have no money to fix it and no one to turn to. Simple things like this make me wonder what was wrong with me in my past relationships, or better yet I shouldnt have wasted time when the man of my dreams was also waiting for the women of his.
Anyways, enough ranting about that. So we dropped the car off, and we went to have some good ol Mexican food. I love the Hard taco with shredded chicken, sauteed onions, cheese, and the green stuff lol. While we were sitting there eatting, I kept looking at him and thinking how great this is... so relaxing. I asked him what he thought about when he first met me, and he said he thought how beautiful my hair was, then when I looked at him, he thought how beautiful my eyes were, and then he said how he thought, wow she is beautiful. I love his honesty, I love that when I look into his eyes I can see deep into his soul, he is such an amazing person its great.
After mexican food, we went to a hardware store, where he did his shopping and I just followed around. I love to see a man in his element, much like a woman in a grocery store or in Victoria Secrets. They always know exactly what they are looking for, what every little thing is... I would just ask what things do, and he answered without hesitiating, or thinking "why wouldnt she know that" it was great.
The rest of the day was pretty relaxed, Made salad for dinner and brownies, then took a bath, cleaned a little and here I am now, typing away about the same ol thing it seems. But to me, it is nothing old. It is amazingly knew. It is like it is Christmas Morning every day. Everyday he never ceases to amaze me, I hope everyone has or finds someone that makes them feel as great.
So On to another topic. I have a friend that is coming to visit a week from today! She is coming down from New Hampshire to enjoy some relaxing time here in North Carolina. She wont find a better place to relax. I have never been as calm as I currently am. So I am super excited about that, will be nice to have a good friend to talk to and show around... woohooo. 6 days til she is here!!! Cant wait!!
Anyways, enough ranting about that. So we dropped the car off, and we went to have some good ol Mexican food. I love the Hard taco with shredded chicken, sauteed onions, cheese, and the green stuff lol. While we were sitting there eatting, I kept looking at him and thinking how great this is... so relaxing. I asked him what he thought about when he first met me, and he said he thought how beautiful my hair was, then when I looked at him, he thought how beautiful my eyes were, and then he said how he thought, wow she is beautiful. I love his honesty, I love that when I look into his eyes I can see deep into his soul, he is such an amazing person its great.
After mexican food, we went to a hardware store, where he did his shopping and I just followed around. I love to see a man in his element, much like a woman in a grocery store or in Victoria Secrets. They always know exactly what they are looking for, what every little thing is... I would just ask what things do, and he answered without hesitiating, or thinking "why wouldnt she know that" it was great.
The rest of the day was pretty relaxed, Made salad for dinner and brownies, then took a bath, cleaned a little and here I am now, typing away about the same ol thing it seems. But to me, it is nothing old. It is amazingly knew. It is like it is Christmas Morning every day. Everyday he never ceases to amaze me, I hope everyone has or finds someone that makes them feel as great.
So On to another topic. I have a friend that is coming to visit a week from today! She is coming down from New Hampshire to enjoy some relaxing time here in North Carolina. She wont find a better place to relax. I have never been as calm as I currently am. So I am super excited about that, will be nice to have a good friend to talk to and show around... woohooo. 6 days til she is here!!! Cant wait!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
His love for me runs deeper than the universe runs wide.
I woke up on the morning of August 29th feeling alone. I was recently released from the hospital and was struggling to use my legs, my only mode of transportation was with the use of my good ol Walker. Late in the evening of August 30th I posted an Ad on Craigslist, wanting to know if there were any normal men in Wilmington NC?? Reason for this is because I had four different encounters with extremely Odd men. One wanted to have things placed in his butt for fun (I know I know, TMI - Thats what I thought too!!) One was extremely old and felt the need to place his hands in places they shouldnt be. One was MARRIED!!! And One, well wasnt Odd, but lets just say he turned out to be very needie of my time.
I was looking for a couple things - First, a man who was NOT interested in having things placed in his butt. Second, a half way normal man... you know - not insane. Third, one that wanted one thing, and thats to have someone like me in their lives. I wanted the one, I wanted a man who also wanted "the one" and was tired of the BS games that, well lets face it - in todays-day-in-age those games can get you killed.
I remember laying there in bed, wishing someone normal would write me so I could have someone to talk to. I was lonely, and to be honest I just wanted to talk. At 1230 or so I refreshed my Email account to find someone with an email "KingPin" wrote me. At first I thought, thats a bad ass name, maybe he is confident and knowing myself - I like confident men... so I read on.
I found that his name was Odd, "Beau" I thought maybe it is said like "Beau"-tiful? I thought, well thats an weird name... I read a little further... 31 years old. Hmm, Not bad, maybe his mental age is 31 on he knows what he is looking for in life. Read a little further - He is 6'2" Yumm! And he is sarcastic?? Oh did I get excited, my biggest turn on is a man who stands tall, and has a strong, outgoing, witty personality that - most importantly can make me laugh... And he likes to have fun. My kind of Guy.
So I had him text me after an hour of me refreshing my email 900 times hoping to see his name pop back up. It just seemed we had clicked, so we started texting. We texted for hours before I began passing out inbetween texts. I didnt want it to end, I loved talking to him.
The next day I searched his email online, and found his myspace account. I looked at his pictures, and thought there is no way someone so outgoing, and funny, and down to earth could ever want someone like me. But he texted me!! He texted me the next day, and the day after that, and texts turned into calls, and we spoke every single day. I would wait thinking, he probably wont text me today - but he did!!! He liked me... He really liked me!!
When we met I was scared... I spent all day doing and re-doing and updating my make up every ten minutes. He went to meet my grandmother for a haircut because his lady jumped ship. So he met my Grandmother before he met me. When he texted me to let me know he was there I jumped out of the chair and stood there, in shock... the man I had been texting and talking to every single day was walking up to the door this second. I slowly walked over to the door, hoping my legs wouldnt give out because they were shaking so bad. I coughed, and stood straight and put on my confidence cap. I thought - Screw it, if he doesnt like me, he doesnt like me. His loss.
I opened the door and he was walking towards me, I couldnt help but smile. He was dressed in a red T-shirt and Beige shorts and flip flops. Exactly the way I imagined, so cute. His smile was contagious. He walked up to me and he smelled so good, I was in a daze. But I kept myself together, and we both sat down at the table. I was trying not to smile too hard because my face was starting to hurt. After a couple of quiet moments, I decided, I need a drink. So, we started having a few drinks. and a few more...
I remember our first hug like it was just a few seconds ago, his arms wrapped tightly around me, I felt nearly at peace. I knew from that moment I wanted this man in my life. I flirted a little, and he came back with it. He liked me, he actually friggen liked me!!
Our first kiss, amazing. We were standing outside, it was... simply put, amazing.
He was a true gentleman.
Today is 5 months and 5 days later from the day we started talking. It feels like it has been 6 years. When I look into that mans eyes, his soul is as open as can be. His love for me runs deeper than the universe runs wide. When his arms are wrapped around me I feel like nothing can get me, I feel so at peace it is unreal. I have waited all my life for someone who can make me feel the way he does.
I often find myself thinking, how can I show him the love I feel from him. How can I prove it? How can I make him see what he does to me? It is truly an amazing feeling. I wish everyone in the world could feel the joy and excitment I feel when he walks into the room, or the love that runs from the tips of my toes to the ends of the hair on my head, its crazy.
I want to fly to the stars and scream to the earth how amazing I feel.
Happiness really is the only key to everything; success, peace, and most importantly love.
Thank you God, for bringing him into my life - I have begged for years for you to prove to me true love exists, and you have. Through God, all thing really are possible.
I was looking for a couple things - First, a man who was NOT interested in having things placed in his butt. Second, a half way normal man... you know - not insane. Third, one that wanted one thing, and thats to have someone like me in their lives. I wanted the one, I wanted a man who also wanted "the one" and was tired of the BS games that, well lets face it - in todays-day-in-age those games can get you killed.
I remember laying there in bed, wishing someone normal would write me so I could have someone to talk to. I was lonely, and to be honest I just wanted to talk. At 1230 or so I refreshed my Email account to find someone with an email "KingPin" wrote me. At first I thought, thats a bad ass name, maybe he is confident and knowing myself - I like confident men... so I read on.
I found that his name was Odd, "Beau" I thought maybe it is said like "Beau"-tiful? I thought, well thats an weird name... I read a little further... 31 years old. Hmm, Not bad, maybe his mental age is 31 on he knows what he is looking for in life. Read a little further - He is 6'2" Yumm! And he is sarcastic?? Oh did I get excited, my biggest turn on is a man who stands tall, and has a strong, outgoing, witty personality that - most importantly can make me laugh... And he likes to have fun. My kind of Guy.
So I had him text me after an hour of me refreshing my email 900 times hoping to see his name pop back up. It just seemed we had clicked, so we started texting. We texted for hours before I began passing out inbetween texts. I didnt want it to end, I loved talking to him.
The next day I searched his email online, and found his myspace account. I looked at his pictures, and thought there is no way someone so outgoing, and funny, and down to earth could ever want someone like me. But he texted me!! He texted me the next day, and the day after that, and texts turned into calls, and we spoke every single day. I would wait thinking, he probably wont text me today - but he did!!! He liked me... He really liked me!!
When we met I was scared... I spent all day doing and re-doing and updating my make up every ten minutes. He went to meet my grandmother for a haircut because his lady jumped ship. So he met my Grandmother before he met me. When he texted me to let me know he was there I jumped out of the chair and stood there, in shock... the man I had been texting and talking to every single day was walking up to the door this second. I slowly walked over to the door, hoping my legs wouldnt give out because they were shaking so bad. I coughed, and stood straight and put on my confidence cap. I thought - Screw it, if he doesnt like me, he doesnt like me. His loss.
I opened the door and he was walking towards me, I couldnt help but smile. He was dressed in a red T-shirt and Beige shorts and flip flops. Exactly the way I imagined, so cute. His smile was contagious. He walked up to me and he smelled so good, I was in a daze. But I kept myself together, and we both sat down at the table. I was trying not to smile too hard because my face was starting to hurt. After a couple of quiet moments, I decided, I need a drink. So, we started having a few drinks. and a few more...
I remember our first hug like it was just a few seconds ago, his arms wrapped tightly around me, I felt nearly at peace. I knew from that moment I wanted this man in my life. I flirted a little, and he came back with it. He liked me, he actually friggen liked me!!
Our first kiss, amazing. We were standing outside, it was... simply put, amazing.
He was a true gentleman.
Today is 5 months and 5 days later from the day we started talking. It feels like it has been 6 years. When I look into that mans eyes, his soul is as open as can be. His love for me runs deeper than the universe runs wide. When his arms are wrapped around me I feel like nothing can get me, I feel so at peace it is unreal. I have waited all my life for someone who can make me feel the way he does.
I often find myself thinking, how can I show him the love I feel from him. How can I prove it? How can I make him see what he does to me? It is truly an amazing feeling. I wish everyone in the world could feel the joy and excitment I feel when he walks into the room, or the love that runs from the tips of my toes to the ends of the hair on my head, its crazy.
I want to fly to the stars and scream to the earth how amazing I feel.
Happiness really is the only key to everything; success, peace, and most importantly love.
Thank you God, for bringing him into my life - I have begged for years for you to prove to me true love exists, and you have. Through God, all thing really are possible.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Goals...
I have decided that in my life I have not complete accomplished anything. Yes, my weightloss has been amazing, but I am soon to be 27 years old and have nothing to show for it. I have no children, I am not happily married, I don't own a home, I have not completed a degree, Nothing.
It is time for me to start focusing on my future. I want those children, that happy marriage, that house... But to get to those goals - I have a LONG road ahead of me.
I have GOT to make a career choice. I have GOT to focus on my financial standing - SAVE SAVE SAVE, you can not have everything if you have NOTHING! No Children and No House! So second to making a career choice, is to cut back on spending and wasting of money. I ALSO above the rest need to focus on my addiction to food, and BREAKING IT! Keeping healthy food in the fridge, cooking healthy, and remembering that if I don't focus on Protein, I will not keep losing, with this I also need to start planning out my plastic surgery, and getting that worked on.
I can not have children for 2 years post plastic surgery. So this gives me two years to get my Shit STRAIGHT! Today is a new day, no more negative thinking, negative thinking brings negative results.
So I have the Children and the House at an understanding. As for the Happily married - I know this will come in time, I am well deserving of a perfect marriage and I will get that, but as for now I need to focus on my goals and not what I want in the Near YET DISTANT future.
Focusing on Short term goals - Is my New Goal!
It is time for me to start focusing on my future. I want those children, that happy marriage, that house... But to get to those goals - I have a LONG road ahead of me.
I have GOT to make a career choice. I have GOT to focus on my financial standing - SAVE SAVE SAVE, you can not have everything if you have NOTHING! No Children and No House! So second to making a career choice, is to cut back on spending and wasting of money. I ALSO above the rest need to focus on my addiction to food, and BREAKING IT! Keeping healthy food in the fridge, cooking healthy, and remembering that if I don't focus on Protein, I will not keep losing, with this I also need to start planning out my plastic surgery, and getting that worked on.
I can not have children for 2 years post plastic surgery. So this gives me two years to get my Shit STRAIGHT! Today is a new day, no more negative thinking, negative thinking brings negative results.
So I have the Children and the House at an understanding. As for the Happily married - I know this will come in time, I am well deserving of a perfect marriage and I will get that, but as for now I need to focus on my goals and not what I want in the Near YET DISTANT future.
Focusing on Short term goals - Is my New Goal!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
