Dear Diary,
Every day is a new day - regardless if we want it or not. What if we didnt want tomorrow to end? What if we wanted to go back to yesterday or a month ago for just a moment - I guess thats what memories are for. So - Today is it, its time to find myself again. Its weird how having someone leave your side that you have strong feelings for - makes your mind go crazy and makes you physically sick. Well - As today was brought on regardless of if I wanted to stay in yesterday - Tomorrow will do the same and I will find myself getting used to being alone again... everything takes time - everything happens weither or not we want it go...
So - May 12th was my One Year Post Op from Gastric Bypass - I have lost a considerable amount - not only weight but many more things as well... Let me see:
I have lost an abusive relationship
I have lost most of the ties that my low self esteem strapped to my feet
I have lost some painful memories that this weight showed
I have lost a life that once comforted my every move...
I have gained - a New self Image.
I have gained - a New want from life.
I have gained - a New Life...
Its amazing how 200 pounds of fat can swallow you whole... It makes you see/feel/hear/be someone you are not... It made me feel like life wasnt worth living - I went from someone who didnt want to wake up in the morning to someone that is excited to see what day "In the life of Jessica Burbank" has to offer... No matter what - good or bad, it is worth experiencing... simply because.
So - I am learning to be okay by myself, this is something I have always struggled with and it is painful for me.... but it is something that I need to learn to do because the entire time I was bigger I thought to myself I need someone, I never thought I could make it alone - Now is my chance to feel - Now is my time to see that I can wake up alone, go to sleep alone, walk out the door - alone. And I will survive... Just is taking a little longer than I thought for me to see that. Its hard though, knowing I am in love with someone who is 10 hours away, but it is easier knowing he loves me too.
Anyways, I am done with the book - 545am comes early, and I need to work so - Goodnight world!
Jessica
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Dear Diary 5.17.2010
Dear Diary,
So... Beau came home today, it was refreshing, I think it was perfect timing. I really needed to feel his touch, kiss his lips, and hear him tell me he loves me while I am able to watch his lips move. I loved every second of hugging him for the first time when I pulled up to the airport.... It was certainly - for lack of better words... Nice.
So now we are like we were before, he is relaxing, I am just outta my bath sitting inches from him and relaxing as well. It brings me back to a comforting place that is not there when he isnt...
As for my weightloss, it stopped and I gained a couple pounds after he left... But I am on it, I am going to start walking at the park after work everyday and start watching what I eat better - It is a goal and I am commited...
As for everything else - I have made my deposit for my plastics and now I know thats the road I am taking... unless God has other choices *wink*
Goodnight world - I am off to fall asleep in my babe's arms!
Jess
So... Beau came home today, it was refreshing, I think it was perfect timing. I really needed to feel his touch, kiss his lips, and hear him tell me he loves me while I am able to watch his lips move. I loved every second of hugging him for the first time when I pulled up to the airport.... It was certainly - for lack of better words... Nice.
So now we are like we were before, he is relaxing, I am just outta my bath sitting inches from him and relaxing as well. It brings me back to a comforting place that is not there when he isnt...
As for my weightloss, it stopped and I gained a couple pounds after he left... But I am on it, I am going to start walking at the park after work everyday and start watching what I eat better - It is a goal and I am commited...
As for everything else - I have made my deposit for my plastics and now I know thats the road I am taking... unless God has other choices *wink*
Goodnight world - I am off to fall asleep in my babe's arms!
Jess
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Dear Diary 5.12.10 --- what to do...
Dear Diary,
What do you do when you feel like your head is going to explode with everything running through your mind... What do you do when You feel like not one person would understand... What do you do when you feel like you just want to run away from everything but then you know you cant do that because there are somethings in your life that make you happy.... What do you do when you feel blocked... stuck...
WHat do you do when your life is going in a positive direction so you think, but what if it isnt what you know for sure?
What do you do when your so confused you want to crawl in the closet and just lay there - and when you try that it doesnt help... now what?
WHat do you do when nothing is wrong but you feel like everything is?
The name of my blog is happiness is key - so where is my key? I feel like there is nothing to say... I know I want to shout from the roof tops that I am happy but my heart is broken... like the song says - Its impossible.
What to say? Where to go? I feel like my heart is broken but there is no reason for it. Distance makes the heart grown fonder right? But I think the fear of "its getting easier" makes me wonder if my choices are right...
You know people ask me why do I have such a hard time making decisions - well - the first real decision I ever made was when I was 11 I opted to live with my mother and it developed into one of the worst decisions of my life... and now I feel like I live my life in a lie, trying to make up for my wrong. I struggle with making decisions because it seems like everyone I make is not the right one.
I wish I had an answer to the truth. I wish I knew what made me happy... being alone has given me time to think maybe I should have stopped myself from loving another until I truly loved myself. The question is when will that be? WIll I spend a live time of saddness and anger so deep inside myself? People tell me I should get over it, I tell me I should get over it, but it is not something that is easy to come by.
I am so confused and lost, and stuck, and in pain.... I need to work out my kinks... But there is so many I feel like my life is full or knots I know will never losen, but what if they are strangling my heart?
there is something wrong with someone taking one pill hoping they will fall asleep... and taking another when it doesnt work, laying there and taking another until they passout...
People ask me if I am happy and I lie and say Yes... because a life time of "putting on that smile" seems so easy for those around me... when it just adds another knot to my tangle of webs.
I am going to lay down in hopes that last pill will let me go to sleep.
Goodnight world.
What do you do when you feel like your head is going to explode with everything running through your mind... What do you do when You feel like not one person would understand... What do you do when you feel like you just want to run away from everything but then you know you cant do that because there are somethings in your life that make you happy.... What do you do when you feel blocked... stuck...
WHat do you do when your life is going in a positive direction so you think, but what if it isnt what you know for sure?
What do you do when your so confused you want to crawl in the closet and just lay there - and when you try that it doesnt help... now what?
WHat do you do when nothing is wrong but you feel like everything is?
The name of my blog is happiness is key - so where is my key? I feel like there is nothing to say... I know I want to shout from the roof tops that I am happy but my heart is broken... like the song says - Its impossible.
What to say? Where to go? I feel like my heart is broken but there is no reason for it. Distance makes the heart grown fonder right? But I think the fear of "its getting easier" makes me wonder if my choices are right...
You know people ask me why do I have such a hard time making decisions - well - the first real decision I ever made was when I was 11 I opted to live with my mother and it developed into one of the worst decisions of my life... and now I feel like I live my life in a lie, trying to make up for my wrong. I struggle with making decisions because it seems like everyone I make is not the right one.
I wish I had an answer to the truth. I wish I knew what made me happy... being alone has given me time to think maybe I should have stopped myself from loving another until I truly loved myself. The question is when will that be? WIll I spend a live time of saddness and anger so deep inside myself? People tell me I should get over it, I tell me I should get over it, but it is not something that is easy to come by.
I am so confused and lost, and stuck, and in pain.... I need to work out my kinks... But there is so many I feel like my life is full or knots I know will never losen, but what if they are strangling my heart?
there is something wrong with someone taking one pill hoping they will fall asleep... and taking another when it doesnt work, laying there and taking another until they passout...
People ask me if I am happy and I lie and say Yes... because a life time of "putting on that smile" seems so easy for those around me... when it just adds another knot to my tangle of webs.
I am going to lay down in hopes that last pill will let me go to sleep.
Goodnight world.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Dear Diary 5.11.10
Dear Diary -
Do you ever feel down in the dumps... Not really sure why? Just - Down. Maybe it is bed time... maybe thats it -
Good night world.
Do you ever feel down in the dumps... Not really sure why? Just - Down. Maybe it is bed time... maybe thats it -
Good night world.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Dear Diary 5.5.10
Dear Diary,
Its One of those nights I am thinking... My mind is like a wild fire... it is burning through thoughts and moving on only to brun through more - hard to control and unmanage-able. I am workiong through a lot though - spending so much time alone makes you really get your mind together - so I thought. I guess I am technically doing this but it seems to me that life will never be simple, and things will always happen and the control I like to have is not something I can have...
Have you ever thought about running away? Sometimes I think to myself, what I would give to run away and just start fresh... New Name? New Address? New self? The question I have is - Could I take someone with me?
Sometimes I look at the sky and ask God Why? Why does he do what he does? Can't there be a little explaination? Not because of the bad but maybe all of it... Why does he make things happen the way he does? Why does he line things up for us the way he does? I have always said everything happens for a reason... but why?
I have to be honest here... I said to myself after leaving Joe that I needed space, I needed me time. Then I found Beau - Didnt want to move in with him simply because I knew in my heart that I needed "Me Time."
Then this happens... we have just enough time to know what we feel for one another- and then an opportunity comes up where he has to leave me... seperated by distance and time. It is almost like God knew this would happen and he seperated us with all the distance and time for me to Grow...
My heart is SCREAMING No! But my mind kept saying, Yes - Jessica you need this time to see what he means to you, you need this time to see how much YOU mean to YOU.
Right now I am sitting here in a wooden kitchen chair with my feet up on another with a pop up table next to me, with no furniture in this place... staring at a computer screen thinking, which brings this blog to you. Is this Blog meant to make sense to you? Probably not - it is more of a type what I think Blog...
So - What am I thinking?
I think I know what I want from my life... and I am wondering how do I get from point A to point B.
What do I want from my life? Satisfaction. Happiness yes - this is key, but I am thinking there is something Bigger than Happiness - Satisfaction. It is what brings you to the point of Happiness.
Here is to focusing on ME and my satisfaction from life!!!
Its One of those nights I am thinking... My mind is like a wild fire... it is burning through thoughts and moving on only to brun through more - hard to control and unmanage-able. I am workiong through a lot though - spending so much time alone makes you really get your mind together - so I thought. I guess I am technically doing this but it seems to me that life will never be simple, and things will always happen and the control I like to have is not something I can have...
Have you ever thought about running away? Sometimes I think to myself, what I would give to run away and just start fresh... New Name? New Address? New self? The question I have is - Could I take someone with me?
Sometimes I look at the sky and ask God Why? Why does he do what he does? Can't there be a little explaination? Not because of the bad but maybe all of it... Why does he make things happen the way he does? Why does he line things up for us the way he does? I have always said everything happens for a reason... but why?
I have to be honest here... I said to myself after leaving Joe that I needed space, I needed me time. Then I found Beau - Didnt want to move in with him simply because I knew in my heart that I needed "Me Time."
Then this happens... we have just enough time to know what we feel for one another- and then an opportunity comes up where he has to leave me... seperated by distance and time. It is almost like God knew this would happen and he seperated us with all the distance and time for me to Grow...
My heart is SCREAMING No! But my mind kept saying, Yes - Jessica you need this time to see what he means to you, you need this time to see how much YOU mean to YOU.
Right now I am sitting here in a wooden kitchen chair with my feet up on another with a pop up table next to me, with no furniture in this place... staring at a computer screen thinking, which brings this blog to you. Is this Blog meant to make sense to you? Probably not - it is more of a type what I think Blog...
So - What am I thinking?
I think I know what I want from my life... and I am wondering how do I get from point A to point B.
What do I want from my life? Satisfaction. Happiness yes - this is key, but I am thinking there is something Bigger than Happiness - Satisfaction. It is what brings you to the point of Happiness.
Here is to focusing on ME and my satisfaction from life!!!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Dear Diary 5.3.10 - Beaus Gone?
Dear Diary,
Operation Alabama is in effect! Beau left this morning at 6am boarding to Mobile, Alabama =-( Why you ask? Well he was called on Saturday evening around 4pm and offered a job that we just refuse - So I thought at the time... Whats three months away from each other, we will see each other in a couple weeks and again a few after that I am sure. I guess mentally I thought this would be good because it could help get us in a good place for both of our surgeries, give Beau something to pass the time til his surgery a bit faster, and possibly set us up for other opportunities as well in the future...
My heart kept telling me - NO! DONT LET HIM GO!! But my brain new better and told my heart that it would be okay, that maybe it would be good for us... maybe it will make me stronger basically living on my own again for a little while. Still My heart screams NO! What did you do!!!???!!!
So When we pulled into the airport, all I kept thinking was be strong- dont you dare cry! But I teared up and choked back the tears to say goodbye - unable to look him in the face. As soon as he grabbed his bags and started walking away I started crying uncontrollably... took a few minutes sitting in the front seat of the truck, constantly wipping them away trying to get the ability to see.
Now Im laying here in bed, its 9pm, 8pm his time, and I am still thinking the same thing I thought when I drove away from the airport - "Your so stupid, instead of taking a shower you should have been hugging on him and kissing on him since you know it will be 2 weeks until you see him again." I guess it wasnt until I was driving away did I actually realize what I had agreed to...
In any event I am stuck with my decision to okay it. I know it will be okay, I know I will be okay, and I know we will be stronger because of it.
Even though before I knew that this was the man for me... being away from him makes me realize not only this but that I am positive - I would not want to live without him.
I love this man more than I have ever loved anything in the world, and I am counting down the days until the 19th when I can see him again. I Love You Baby.
Jess
Btw - Beef Jerky in the bags is okay... Beef Jerky Mystery Meat sticks - NOT OK!
Operation Alabama is in effect! Beau left this morning at 6am boarding to Mobile, Alabama =-( Why you ask? Well he was called on Saturday evening around 4pm and offered a job that we just refuse - So I thought at the time... Whats three months away from each other, we will see each other in a couple weeks and again a few after that I am sure. I guess mentally I thought this would be good because it could help get us in a good place for both of our surgeries, give Beau something to pass the time til his surgery a bit faster, and possibly set us up for other opportunities as well in the future...
My heart kept telling me - NO! DONT LET HIM GO!! But my brain new better and told my heart that it would be okay, that maybe it would be good for us... maybe it will make me stronger basically living on my own again for a little while. Still My heart screams NO! What did you do!!!???!!!
So When we pulled into the airport, all I kept thinking was be strong- dont you dare cry! But I teared up and choked back the tears to say goodbye - unable to look him in the face. As soon as he grabbed his bags and started walking away I started crying uncontrollably... took a few minutes sitting in the front seat of the truck, constantly wipping them away trying to get the ability to see.
Now Im laying here in bed, its 9pm, 8pm his time, and I am still thinking the same thing I thought when I drove away from the airport - "Your so stupid, instead of taking a shower you should have been hugging on him and kissing on him since you know it will be 2 weeks until you see him again." I guess it wasnt until I was driving away did I actually realize what I had agreed to...
In any event I am stuck with my decision to okay it. I know it will be okay, I know I will be okay, and I know we will be stronger because of it.
Even though before I knew that this was the man for me... being away from him makes me realize not only this but that I am positive - I would not want to live without him.
I love this man more than I have ever loved anything in the world, and I am counting down the days until the 19th when I can see him again. I Love You Baby.
Jess
Btw - Beef Jerky in the bags is okay... Beef Jerky Mystery Meat sticks - NOT OK!
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