Monday, December 26, 2011

On a better topic...

On a better topic, we got a puppy.  His name is Meaty.  I call him MeMe because it is easier to say when I am yelling at him from the couch.  He is a Red Nosed, Double XL pitbull, with Loads of temper.  Molly, our 2 year old white lab loves him to death now that she has gotten used to his crazy puppy behavior.  My husband is amazing, and I couldnt be happier with my beautiful family... two amazing, full of love pups, and the most amazing man in the world, I get to call hubby.  I do love every part of my beautiful family... =-)

Dear Diary 12/26/2011

Dear Diary,

So another year seems to have come and gone.  What to do now?  I mean, I feel like every day is just passing me by and I... well to say the least, am F$%king sick of laying about waiting for something better to come along. 

I guess I should update you on everything going on...  Hmm, where to start...

Well, because I don't feel like going back and checking to see what I have written in my last post, so I will just start with what I feel is relevant.

So, My stomach problems that made my life miserable just about all year last year, was for the most part, controled with medications and eating better, so I went back to work in June, 2011.

Well, I was working, and doing amazing, of course, and I was loving being back at work - that was until I had a fall at work.  The fall severely put a damper on my chipper life.  I herniated some discs and well, to say the least, I was completely screwed up.  I went to the doctor and they put me through workers compensation. 

Let me just tell you - Worker's Compensation is a BULLSHIT system.  Yeah, it is supposed to help pay for you while your out of work, BUT - They put you through so much BS, it seems more appropriate to simply be fired, so at least while your getting better you can take unemployment.  What about Health insurance you say?  Well - the situation I am in, seems like it would be better to just go to the ER without insurance.

The WC (worker's compensation) insurance process is BS.  I live in Wilmington... This is a large city here in North Carolina, and everything you could need is here.  This stupid system is making me drive TWO hours for an Xray... AN XRAY!  It has been over four months since my fall and just now we are at the point of testing to see what is wrong.  And then, besides that, I have to sit in a car, for two hours with a back that makes it difficult to walk.  I walk with a limp for a short amount of time before my legs give out.  When I sit for too long I cant move, and they want me to ride in a car for 2 hours - well more like two and a half hours, for an Xray.  It is crazy.

Then - on top of that, try to get a check so you can pay your bills.  I mean, it is like trying to squeeze blood from an orange, and we are talking an old dried up orange you find in the back of your fridge, not a blood orange. 

I don't know, I just know one thing... It has been nearly 5 months, I am still in pain and I am not sure my lawyer understands problems I see.  I want to throw things against a wall.  Nevermind the fact, my place of employment only cares to save a few bucks instead of their employees health.  It is insane... and the company I work for is a LARGE cell phone retailer, so it isnt like they are some small company. 

I guess I am not just mad at them, I am also mad at myself.  I am not sure, I just know there is more I could be doing out there, more life for me to live and I am stuck here, dealing with pain and discomfort, just trying to get through the day, when the only thing I want to do, is lay here and cry.

I wish we could win the lottery.  I would tell my place of employment where to go, pay my lawyer off and just pay for myself to get better, with a doctor who cares and just move on from this...  I guess I better buy me a few extra lottery tickets if I can scrounge up the change, and just pray for a miracle.

I will come back to this when I am in a better mood, I am sure you would expect a little more chipper me... right?

With love...


Monday, November 21, 2011

Meaning to life...

Never wish your days away, before you know it they will be gone anyways... Wish for more, and even if you dislike what is happening this second, embrace it.  It is what makes us stronger, if it is work, it is what shows in the check at the end of the week, if it is unhappiness, change it.  Oh and - Stop asking what is the meaning to life, you have the answer right in front of you - it is to live it.  Life is about living.  Live every second like it is your last, with happiness.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

8/11/2011 - Dear Diary Update.

An update would be easy if the real world was easy. 

She lays, sofly engulfed in her comfort of livng.  She smiles as she closes her eyes and gently falls asleep.  Awaken by the sound of the birds and the sun on her face still smiling she moves about in a slow and yet so elegant pace.  She makes her cup of tea and ....

Who does that?

Lets try this again...

She lays in her comfortable bed, but struggles to fall asleep as everytime she closes her eyes she thinks of all the wrong and all the things she needs to do, to improve, to make happen.  She turns side to side thinking of how to get from point A to point B.  Oh how simple this was, while sitting in a noisey math class in highschool, but real live proves different.  She falls asleep after her mind wears her out to the point she can't think any more and the sleeping pill finally took over.  Before she knows it she is awake by life.  Not by birds or the soft sun, but life.  She sits up and wipes the crust from her eyes and drool from her face that only god knows how it is possible to drool that much in ones sleep. She gets moving and rushes about to start her day...

It is funny how one thing gets fixed and it seems like there is little time before something else comes about.  Life is life... there is no other way to explain it.  It is about fighting through and making your own way and only you can do it for you.

I have found in my years of existance that we have to make right when we are wrong and we have to fight for what it is right.   And no matter how much we down play the events - they always come out in the wash in the end.

Well... off to bed I go... the sleeping meds are finally doing their part.

And before I end this (seemingly depressing note)  Life is not a bad thing, it is what you make of it... but don't force what can not be forced.  Sometimes things arent worth fighting for, and sometimes they are worth all the fight in the world.  Pick and choose your fights wisely ... and no matter what... believe anything is possible.

Jessica Burbank-Rogers.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Dear Diary 6/2/2011 - Fresh start

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up at 5am... wth!  I couldnt believe it, I even tried to snuggle up to the love of my life, and still couldn't fall asleep!  So I sat on the couch and decided I would go out and get some coffee and then come back to the house to relax a bit.

One thing I have had on my mind is the fact my weightloss has not progressed further than where it is.  It has stayed at about what it has been for quite a while.  At one point I gained back and went to exactly 200 pounds.  I was struck with fear and have since watched my weight and got it back down to about where I wanted to be when I first started this progress.

At 400+ pounds I said I would give anything to be 185.  I have gotten to that point and have not been able to progress below this and I know it is because of my lack of fight. 

I have decided today I am starting back - fighting.  I never want to be that person again and if I do not focus I will never make my goal of being in the center of the healthy BMI levels which means I need to lose an additional 25 pounds. 

Some people say that weightloss is easy if you have surgery and they have no idea unless they have been there.  It is not easy, expecially when you have had so many complications it puts you couch-ridden. 

I have decided to get my fight back, not only for me, but for the fact that in 1 1/2 months I have to do a photo for the front cover of my book.  I want that cover to show my 80+ inches of scars that have brought me from the person I once was to the person I am today.  The second reason I want to do this is because I want to prove I am on my way, I am successful.  This struggle is like anyone else, food is a battle, working out is a battle, and fighting off the pain and struggles and not turning to food is really the battle.

So - here is to a fresh start.  For me, no one else.  Very few have been there through thick and thin and I continue to remind myself that not everyone is what they say they are. 

I am a good person, I am a strong woman, I am a tough female ready to fight for what I want.  The fight in me died for a little while but it is back - complications or not - NO ONE will tell me I am a loss cause.  No one will tell me I am not going to make it.  I will make it and I dont even care to prove myself to anyone.  I will make it for me and MY future.  I have always said, "its your choice to be part of my life," and I want to take that back.  It is my decision.  I am strong and I will do this for me, Life will follow.

To those of you who have always been there regardless; never judged, never used me for their own gain, never turned me away in my time of need, never stopped listening - You are my added strength  -  thank you.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Dear Diary 6/1/2011 - I sure do love "know-it-alls"

Dear Diary,

So June 13th, I have an additional appointment for an Upper GI for them to look into what is going on in my system and what causes my pain every time I eat, use the bathroom, anything pertaining to my stomach.  When I bend down I am in pain.  This is not normal so we are working on trying to get the answers asap, and trying to fix them NOW.

Now I am sure your questioning the title... I just have to get my thoughts out there for the jerk-offs that think they know everything.  First of all - NO ONE KNOWS EVERYTHING, so STOP trying to prove to me that you are trying to "be there" when you Always have something negative to say. 

To the person I am talking to - your surgery went great - your reconstructive surgeries went perfect, and you always have family to give to your every spoiled need.  You have no idea what it is like to fight for life or struggles  -   so - STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD.  You are jealous that I am in the process of publishing a book and to be honest - When I am ready to release it -  I will.  You have absolutely NO right to throw in my face ANYTHING when the fact is, you don't know where I am today and if i died tomorrow, you would probably be the last to find out because of your own mean ways.  True friends stand by one another even if they disagree with the other's decision, and they give their opinion, they don't walk away and act all "Im better than you" when we BOTH KNOW you are NOT.  SO - lets just let it be, you do you, I will do me, we stay out of each others lives, and the world still turns.

Off to a different topic because I am still in shock this person had the GAWL to text me instead of answering any of my calls. 

You know what - Im not moving on.... I DONT CARE!  Here is how I REALLY FEEL!

I CAN NOT STAND PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE.  YOU WERE ONCE FAT - SO STOP MAKING FUN OF THOSE WHO STILL ARE!  STOP JUDGING!!  NOT EVERYONE HAS THE ABILITY TO GET THE SURGERY - SO STAND BY THOSE IN NEED, DON'T  DEGRADE THEM IN AND MAKE THEM FEEL BAD - STOP FORGETING YOU WERE FAT ONCE!  MADE FUN OF, TOLD NASTY THINGS!  Grow up... I really hope one day you get your head out of your ass and realize the world does not revolve around you and that you are NO BETTER than anyone else.  I hope you find a friend that stands by you as I did after you CONTINOUSLY do things to them to hurt them... Ive learned my lesson and I am okay with my mistakes. 

And dont you ever text me, call, write, nothing - be respectful - dont tell me I am "gaining weight" DO YOU LOOK AT MY F$%^&*ING SCALE EVERY MORNING WITH ME???  Stupid .... GRRR Im so mad but you know what.... final thought -

I am no better than anyone else, and I try my damnest to be there for those in need - try it - its humbling to not feel like the world revolves around me.  I am greatful and respectful of EVERYONE and know not everything works in the way we always hope.  The book I am about to have published will be amazing, and it will be great and it will help others in need.  It is honest and it is truthful.  The only things I left out was all the BULLSHIT you did to me, and I made sure to paint you as an angel - have a nice life.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Dear Dairy? 4-8-2011 - Want to know the truth about relationships? Like it or not here it is.

The Ultimate Truth About Relationships - Want to know the truth?

Lets just get it all out there on the table.  People say they have best friends.  People say they would never hurt or try to hurt those people they consider to be their best friends/friends/etc... but the truth is - there is no such thing.  Hear me out here before you start to judge (this is what is wrong with society.)

I will get right to the point of my statement and then give examples and then you can choose to agree or disagree  -  this is your choice.

The definition of "Friendship" it is a relationship between two people with common ground that are not in a sexual relationship.  My relationship between my fiance and I is a Friendship/Sexual relationship.  My relationship with people outside of my family are Friendships/No-Sexual relationship.  The only difference between my relationship with Beau and my relationship with my friend Bree - is as simple as SEX.  There is not a sexual relationship there.  This is the only difference.  So that being said lets move on to the TRUE meaning of a friendship.

A Friendship is based on the fact of one human being having a relationship with another human being because of common ground.  Once that common ground has been broken the relationship will begin to fall apart and it will become an acquaintance - ship.  This is completely different than anything I have spoken of, this is where you know someone in passing a "Hi how are you" (and not really truly care about the response) type "relationship." 

Are you following me?

Let me give examples to help you better understand.

Everyone has had people walk in and out of their lives for one reason or another.  Some people find themselves dumbfounded trying to figure out why their friend of many years disappeared from their lives.  Well, let me break it down for you.

Picture yourself in this book called life.  As a child you are on the intro, you are still in the beginning.  As you grow, you jump around in the chapters as you learn you may progress, and as you fail you may back-pedal. 

Now with that picture in your head, think about the people in your lives,... these people you consider to be very close friends. Now imagine were you are in this book and think about where they are. The people you truly define as your "Best friends" will be either on the same page, or very close to your page, maybejust barely on the next page or not far behind you. 

Now looking at where you are in the book and think about your relationship with the person you are with (Sexual Relationship)  This person you are with is either - On the same page OR is not too far ahead and on a page you either think you deserve to be on (maybe they can take you there) or you are both on the same page. 

Now.  Acquaintance - This relationships with these people - they are not ten chapters ahead but they are not out of eyes reach.  This makes them an acquaintance.  You see them in passing so they cant be that far gone.

Still following me?  Good, because it will get more difficult from here.

Now going back to your Best friends.  People say there are very few people in this world that are Best friends and they say, my best friend will be there through thick and thin til the end of time.  No matter what.  Well... I can tell you this is VERY far fetched and very seldom do you come across someone that will be on your same page, every time you turn the page they are right behind your every word.  The reason why this hardly ever happens is because people change.  THATS right... people CHANGE.  And not for a bad way either.  They could be trying to better themselves... maybe they decided they are reading to slow, and they start speeding up.  Now the best friend is struggling because reading faster is not something they can do right now.  Your "Best friend" Becomes an acquaintance - VERY quickly.

Let me explain more -

I had Gastric Bypass, as you all know.  I had MANY friends before this surgery.  But most of my "Best friends" - they are all just as miserable as I was, maybe not Huge in weight.  But they were still on the same page because Misery LOVES company.  I was their company.  I decided to have surgery and I decided what I was doing - was reading too damn slow.  So I read faster and I even jumped a few steps.   And before I knew It I was being called names, being degraded.  Being disrespected... all by ??  you ask??  All by my so called "Best friend."  This made me think about the true meaning of friends and who I was and what I had done to deserve this... and then it all clicked.  The truth about friends...  is not as complex as it may seem.

As soon as I decided to read a little faster (and I did try to help those around me to read with me...) I was shunned from what I thought was a perfect friendship.  Not just by one... Not just by two... by nearly EVERY SINGLE person I knew before having Gastric Bypass.

The peopleI thought would congratulate me for taking ahold of my life before I had a heart attack from being over 400 pounds and I thought would be happy to see me happy rather than in a casket -they were judgemental and disgraced all of the hard work I did to save my life.

Now you would say - the they were not best friends - right?  Your wrong. They were my best friends.  They were my everything then and I realize now... I turnedthe pages too fast and I rocked their own boats.

Now... On to your relationship (sexual) woahs...

Ever wonder why a relationship fails?  It fails because one partner finds themselves either wanting to read onto the next chapter while the other partner wants to stay on the same chapter.  This is the demise of most relationships.

Now.  You could say - I would be so happy if my best friend won the lottery.  BUT - Down under it all, you think you know that they would give you some to help you out as well right?  Dont say no.  If they didnt giveyou some and they went about their lives with all these fancy things while you are still where you are - it would end the relationship.  It would.  Unless you could thrive on their fortune - You are still Many chapters behind where you both were before the other person (my miracle) jumped ahead ten chapters.

I guess if I was that person,to keep my friends I would do what I could to bring those close to me to the same chapter as I was on - in order to keep those friends.  But why should I have to?  See - this is my point. 

There is no such thing as True Best Friends.  Or perfect relationships (all types) unless both parties are on the same page/chapter even for the entirety of their lives.

My Mother's Story -

She had TONS of friends when she was my age as she worked at a bar. She knew everyone and everyone knew her.  It was an awesome timein her life- surrounded by people she thought would do anything for her as she would do for them.  That was until I asked her to come to my school for career day when I was in the second grade.  She had to decline and this made her think of her choices.  Within a month she signed up for classes to get out of the life style she was in to persue something more professional, something she could be pround of.  Within a year she lost nearly ALL of her friends and within a few years, they were all gone... why?  She jumped chapters - and the others... they could not, so the friendships slowly ended. And she did this with no support - accept for the support of her children.

This is where I come to the question... is it Jealousy?  Is it Jealousy in the human nature to shun those that are not on the same page as you. Think back to elementry school... middle school.... or the worse - Highschool.  People formed clicks for a reason.  This is the beginning of the mess we have in society.  The clicks of people on the same page.  These clicks even stayed together for a long period of time until different decisions were made to cause people to drift apart.

So - My Meaning behind this article...  Charish you friendships today because they can easily be gone tomorrow.  And dont make decisions, based on what other people think - but dont find yourself upset when those you thought would be there forever are not.

With this I dedicate to my friends of my past.  Mostly those before my gastric bypass- ones I have drifted apart from and no longer speak to.  This wasnt by my choice - it was yours.  I tried to show you that I have not changed - I may be on a different chapter, but I am still me.  I am on the chapter called "Be healthy or die"  Respect my decisions as I have always respected yours.  Be happy for my accomplishments and remember they are not too far out of your reach - you could easily take charge of your life and make the changes to better you.

I ask - Do not judge the things I do today, as they are making me better for tomorrow.  Do not judge my decisions as they are accomplishing a goal I have set for me - not you.

So.  As a last note.  Rely on ONLY you.  You know the phrase "Do you" and the ultimate phrase "You only live once and you can only count on you"  I take these to heart.  As I still have people I consider to be my friends now, but know they can be gone in an instant. 

I am living my life for me and those that are not on my page - I understand the consequences of my decisions.  But this will not stop me in accomplishing my Great Goals I have set for myself. 

And finally -  I am willing to lose those I love today for the chance to Love me - Tomorrow.



Monday, December 6, 2010

Dear Diary - 12/6/10 - Acceptance and relationships.

Dear Diary,

When you are in a relationship there has to come a time where you learn to accept one another for who they are, faults and all.  Do their faults overcome their purpose in your life?  Do the faults they care with them outway how much they mean to you?  What if their faults - will you come to terms with them and accept that person for who they are?

This the is the same case in every relationship both sexual and non-sexual.  A relationship is based on acceptance.  If the faults out way the need for them in your life, or make it so you can not see past them - when do you give up?  In a friendship you can walk away and come back for short period of time where this "fault or faults" are not as obvious as if when you are in a physcial relationship with someone on a constant basis. 

So the question remains, when do you give up? Life is so short so when do you throw you hands up?

Does it matter that you know in your heart you could never live without them?  Does it matter that when you wake up and they happen to still be there in the morning you feel secure and a since of happiness you couldnt find anywhere else?  Does it matter that you are scared - scared of wasting their time and yours.  Expecally when you have wasted time in the past.

What happens if the thought of leaving feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and the pain becomes so unbareable you want to scream out in pain and drop to the floor in tears, where breathing almost seems like something you have to beg for.  What to think... think about getting on another bus leaving behind everything you have worked for in the last year, leaving behind what you thought was going to be your forever....

So it brings me back to the idea - is my faults worth accepting or can you not accept there someone out there whom may have absoluely no faults, and the faults will not cause you the mental stress that mine does to you.

My heart rips appart thinking I am 27 years old, and although I have changed so much over the past two years, the petty things you think are so big, to me seem like nothing to me - could actually ruin everything we have come to.

So... I guess I am at the point now of confusion and dispair.  What I thought was to come - everything that should come when you are 27 years old, and where things seem to be going - makes me wonder if I am the one at fault so maybe I should take the time alone to understand why I can not be everything someone would want from me....

My heart is torn, broken, confused, distraught, and in a place of complete darkness - can you fix that darkness?  Not if everything is as it is said... not if ones feelings are their own - I can not change your feelings, and I can not change me completely to the perfection you are looking for, so what is a person to do?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Dear Diary Nov 21st 2010

In a room full of people it feels like no one else is around and I have never had this feeling ever before.  But I hope it stays and lasts forever.  You are my heart and soul, and you have taught me a new meaning for love that I love to fight because it scares me.... but if you are willing to support me while I get through this and risk the fall... it will be worth it I swear.

i love you.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Dear Diary 11/12/2010

Dear Diary...

Today while sitting in the Dunkin Donuts drive through, I was waiting for two middle aged women to figure out how to ring up my order of a single Ice Coffee and I thought to myself... They are middle aged women working at Dunkins with teenagers - How did they get there?  How did they get to the point of being in their late forties, waking up and putting on their, burnt coffee smelling, uniform - coming into work to make iced coffee and bagging donuts?  Every person has a story, every person has a situation that gets them to where they are in their lives at this very moment in time.  As I drove off, I thought to myself where do I want to be a year from now - and while in this position do I want someone to see me and think to themselves, "how did she get there?"  I need to focus more on where I want to be and not where I have been or who I was. 

Anyways - Thanks-giving and Christmas are coming. Around this time every year I think to myself, I wish I had children.  I wish I had a house, where a Christmas tree was set to go up the day after Thanks-giving and the kids are excited about making and putting their own Christmas decorations on the tree.  I absolutely love the idea of wrapping and filling the bottom of the tree with gifts and not to mention Christmas Morning...  Now I sleep in and wake up with my hair a mess and sit on the couch with coffee... but if I had children, they would wake me up screaming Santa was here after my husband and I stayed up most of the night waiting for them to fall asleep and us setting up their gifts all over the room knowing how excited they would be... but I would still get up with my hair a mess, drinking my coffee and watching their little faces grinning ear to ear as they open their gifts - only getting a frown when they open their socks...

So much to look forward to but so much to accomplish before I get there...  Its time to start focusing on my future and no longer my past.

Life is so precious - heres to no more wasted time.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Dear Diary 11/08/2010

Dear Diary,

So things are panning themselves out for me.  I have plans for my next surgery in the feb, but between now and then I am working hard to move in the company I work for and get as much over time as possible.  I am saving to plan for a house.  Can you believe it!  I want something that I can call my own. I wanted to buy a car first but I think for now I have a vehicle I have no monthly payments on, so I want to go a bit further in the position I am in.  I want to buy a house.  My plans?  To save as much money as I possibly can while paying down on some debt.  I think my priorities are starting to take first in my life rather than living every second for what it is.  I want a home so I can have a place to lay my head that I know is mine, and then I want to lay my childrens' heads' in their beds in their home.  So I guess life is starting to make since and what I want is starting to come out.  So for a while here I plan to work as hard as I can to get where I want to bed in a year which is A - either in a new home or in the process of searching for the right one, B - Finished with surgeries for the time being and content where I am in the progress. C - looking into what career choices I have, including being a ways into writing my book. 

So I have a lot of goals between now and a year from now... I guess I better get too it huh?

I love my life...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

dear diary 11/06/2010

So I am sittimg here at work playing with new cell phones and doing pretty much whatever because the computers are down.  so I figured no time is better than now to use a Droid 2 to type a blog.  its hard on my fingers but like how it slides open but still prefer a touch screen like a HTC Incredible.  My phone rocks. Anyways I wish it was 1130 im over sitting here bored .  so life is pretty good saving to go to Boston in Jan which will be fun and saving just to save ... I need a nest egg and i dont have one.  I think when u finally face the future and see how your life will only pan out if you make it... u start to realize how much control u actually have.  life is too short to live miserable.  well these buttons are making my fingers hurt... just realized i dont like the droid 2 at all... hmmm


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear Diary Sept 26th 2010 - Healing Process? Thoughts on Marriage?

Dear Diary,

I am doing well in my healing process... Yesterday I was finally able to take a shower by myself instead of sitting on the side of the tub giving myself a half ass bath.  Its nice that after 2 and a half weeks I am actually feeling clean.  Today was the first day I went out driving by myself.  I admit I was "hopped up" on Tylenol but I did fine.  It was weird but I did great and it made me feel great!  Tonight I made a nice dinner, I thought to myself today Beau will be having Gastric Bypass in 15 days... and I remember 2 weeks before my surgery I put myself on a liquid diet because I was so fearful about dying I was consumed with the thought that if I lose as much weight as I could before surgery I could shrink my liver and kidneys and lower my risks of dying.  I gave up the last two weeks I had with my natural born stomach.  A decision I regret, so I hope to give Beau whatever he wants before his surgery, because I know that even though this is the best decision of my life and I am VERY happy with giving up certain foods I wish I wouldnt have been so fearful and would have enjoyed my last snickers bar without fear. 

But as for me and my healing process is going well just hate the drains I have to keep in another 4 days or so... and the binder I have to wear for the next 6-8 weeks.  And I am not completely happy with the progress,  know it is a process and it only just begun.  I HATE surgery with a passion - being wheeled into the operating room - sliding myself over to the hard table and putting my arms up like I am on a cross and having them put the oxygen over my face as the tears run down my face asking in a panic "Are you putting me to sleep now???" as I quickly drift away.  The fear, just before falling asleep, quickly desolves - just as I gasp for air waking up screaming from the pain being told by the nurse "Stop Screaming your scaring the other patients"  Then I fall back asleep from the heavy dosing of pain meds.  Did I mention I HATE surgery!! 

So let me stop thinking about that - One too many and more to go makes me depressed... On to other news...

I am finding myself watching all these stupid wedding shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Four Weddings" mostly crap on TLC.  I find myself wondering about myself and marriage.  Well about a week ago while watching I thought to myself - OMG I am actually going to be able to dress up and look Great in a dress... I will actually not be a Fat bride... this is something I never ever really thought for myself.

The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind was racing a mile a minute about marriage and why I wasnt already married and what I have done to prevent it or if I should get married, if I should say yes if I am ever worth being asked... then I quickly said No.  I should Not get married.  In shock I thought more about my quick subconcious response to a question I would certainly say the opposite if given the chance....  Thats when I realized that I am in absolutely no position to bring anyone else into my world of debt.  I wouldnt mind being engaged for a really long time while I fix my mess of distruction to my credit score from before my rebirth. (Surgery)

It was like I woke up Finally.  Stop thinking about myself and start thinking about the other person joining his life to mine, I would never want to make him take on what I messed up.  So, being engaged or dating someone is one thing, but I refuse to marry until I at least get on the right path of fixing my screwed up finances.  Epiphany?  I think so.

Thanks for listening to me ramble as usual....

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Diary Entry - 9/15/2010 - It feels like Christmas...

For some reason sitting all cozy in this big comfy chair in my pjs, with my feet up and wrapped in a blanket - I am getting this feeling that: outside it is covered in white fluffy snow, zero degrees or below, and the moon is glistening off the top of the snow giving the trees and sky -  a beautiful silver hue. 

With this thought in mind it brings me back to late fall in the North East, where the snow blankets the ground and vehicles where as you walk by them you cant help but break up the beauty and form a snow ball to throw at an unsuspecting person.  Then my thoughts begin to sway thinking about how much I want to do... Things before like throwing that snow ball was too much work, where as now I can't wait to cover myself in the freezing mess as I make the best snow angel possible, while laughing as hard as I can with great people.  Where before the heavy breathing and mind begging me not to fall because getting up would be nearly impossible would slowly kill me inside.

Today I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time and thought, "I can do this."  Something I have never actually thought to myself.  This simple thought of possiblility never crossed my mind with such certainty.

My life is New.  It is a new beginning, and I am so blessed to wake up every day with this level of focus and determination.  I am ready for those long walks through the mall during christmas hours, or the lenghty standing in line at walmart after the holidays, or Spring cleaning when the weather outside is so crisp and the cool breeze begs you to open the windows and clean out every corner of your home...  I am excited for children and chasing them through the department store when they are bad or staying up all night with them chasing off the boggie monsters.

I used to live every second for the second... Today when I looked at myself in the mirror I thought to myself, I am ready for my future, I am ready for losing the old Jessica, the angry Jessica, the "I hate society" Jessica... and I have successfully welcomed in the understanding, the unjudgmental, the non-greiving Jessica.  I am the future Jessica, the Jessica I wished for but never expected to show.  I am Happy with me.  There are little changes I will make from here on out, but I am finally ready.  I am finally ready for Life... I am ready to live. 

People would ask me pre-Gastric Bypass... what was my reason for wanting to have weightloss surgery - My answer was I want to be able to Run if I want to... so...

I am ready to Run.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

So it has been awhile - Update Please? Ok...

Wow it has been forever since I updated - I am sorry for the extreme delay in updating you in my life - so here goes...

As you know Beau got that job with the oil spill so he had to leave and we barely spent any time together for the last couple months and it has been very hard - but I was able to drive to see him in Alabama and enjoyed my time with him and came back home for a few weeks before he came back for me to see him again which is always awesome...  Then after getting sick and going to the er twice and being sent home twice I had about my max of BS from the hospitals in NC so I decided it was time to make the trip back to boston - 12 days shy of my One Year anniversary of leaving this place.

I got here and was admitted into the hospital and it was found my Gall Bladder was working only 18%, with this I also found out I had three swollen tumors around my pouch (stomach) and this was causing the pain along with the gall bladder this was my reason for constant sickness.

Within 4 days I had my gall bladder removed and the tumors were taken off, and I am on the mend now.  But now after all the traveling and all this and the hospital visits and everything it has been exactly one month as of today since I have seen Beau - Been in his arms, watched him sleep, kissed his lips, felt his arms around me... it has been hell.

So - I am on the mend but it has been hard and I really cant wait til next thursday - a week from today I get to see my surgeon and get the ok from him to head home - Home being wherever Beau is.  I cant wait for him to say you look good to go... I will jump in the car and start driving - I CANT WAIT!!!!

So - all I have to do is make it through the next week without him and get finished healing and things will hopefully get back to normal and normal means... laying in his arms to fall asleep... feeling his touch will make all of this time away from him forgotten...

Goodnight world.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Dear Diary - 6.5.2010 - A thought in progress

The raindrops hit the ground in nearly an orderly fashion, as if sitting here silently I can hear them hit one by one. No two hitting the ground at the same time, much like society they each have their own story. Looking into the clouds, now and again there is a break where the sky is blue and the few clouds above are much like the white you would see in heaven... like heaven is showing itself. But like anything in life a darker cloud below it covers the beauty with its own. The thunder rolls in the background and now and again the sky lights up, the earth is showing its power one crack, snap, pop at a time.

Times like these make me want to go stand in the rain, and feel every drop against my skin, giving the story of that single raindrop another chapter. To some this may not make any sense at all, but to me - it is everything. In life we are on a path that is given to us, but this path can easily be distorted by the choices we make or the moves we struggle to explain. Did the rain drops have a choice is falling to the ground? Did they have the choice to hit my face? Some bullets you can not dodge. And some bullets are better off not dodged.

As with most people I am sure, my life has been full of bullets, most of which I had the choice to dodge but decided against it, or better yet I made no decision at all and allowed myself to be hit. Most would say I deserved it, some would say why not move an inch to the left and free myself of the pain many have caused; although my response is not simple, but unlike most - I have one.

With every effect there is a cause, with every cause there is a reaction and to every reaction there is an outcome. With every bullet that has hit me, with every reaction I have shown it has brought me to the place I am now.

No matter where you are in life, no matter the situation, no matter the happiness or pain - There will continue to be bullets, there will continue to be reactions and affects. Although some you can not dodge, others you can - So choose wisely and when you have no choice in the bullet you were hit with always remember there is a rainbow at the end of the storm with the sun begins to shine again.

Love always -


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear Diary 5.20.2010

Dear Diary,

Every day is a new day - regardless if we want it or not.  What if we didnt want tomorrow to end?  What if we wanted to go back to yesterday or a month ago for just a moment - I guess thats what memories are for.  So - Today is it, its time to find myself again.  Its weird how having someone leave your side that you have strong feelings for - makes your mind go crazy and makes you physically sick.  Well - As today was brought on regardless of if I wanted to stay in yesterday - Tomorrow will do the same and I will find myself getting used to being alone again... everything takes time -  everything happens weither or not we want it go...

So - May 12th was my One Year Post Op from Gastric Bypass - I have lost a considerable amount - not only weight but many more things as well...  Let me see:

I have lost an abusive relationship
I have lost most of the ties that my low self esteem strapped to my feet
I have lost some painful memories that this weight showed
I have lost a life that once comforted my every move...

I have gained  -  a New self Image.
I have gained  -  a New want from life.
I have gained  -  a New Life...

Its amazing how 200 pounds of fat can swallow you whole...  It makes you see/feel/hear/be someone you are not... It made me feel like life wasnt worth living - I went from someone who didnt want to wake up in the morning to someone that is excited to see what day "In the life of Jessica Burbank" has to offer...  No matter what - good or bad, it is worth experiencing... simply because.

So - I am learning to be okay by myself, this is something I have always struggled with and it is painful for me.... but it is something that I need to learn to do because the entire time I was bigger I thought to myself I need someone, I never thought I could make it alone - Now is my chance to feel - Now is my time to see that I can wake up alone, go to sleep alone, walk out the door - alone.  And I will survive... Just is taking a little longer than I thought for me to see that.  Its hard though, knowing  I am in love with someone who is 10 hours away, but it is easier knowing he loves me too.

Anyways, I am done with the book - 545am comes early, and I need to work so - Goodnight world!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Dear Diary 5.17.2010

Dear Diary,

So... Beau came home today, it was refreshing, I think it was perfect timing.  I really needed to feel his touch, kiss his lips, and hear him tell me he loves me while I am able to watch his lips move.  I loved every second of hugging him for the first time when I pulled up to the airport.... It was certainly - for lack of better words... Nice.

So now we are like we were before, he is relaxing, I am just outta my bath sitting inches from him and relaxing as well.  It brings me back to a comforting place that is not there when he isnt...

As for my weightloss, it stopped and I gained a couple pounds after he left... But I am on it, I am going to start walking at the park after work everyday and start watching what I eat better - It is a goal and I am commited...

As for everything else  -  I have made my deposit for my plastics and now I know thats the road I am taking... unless God has other choices *wink*

Goodnight world - I am off to fall asleep in my babe's arms!


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Dear Diary 5.12.10 --- what to do...

Dear Diary,

What do you do when you feel like your head is going to explode with everything running through your mind... What do you do when You feel like not one person would understand... What do you do when you feel like you just want to run away from everything but then you know you cant do that because there are somethings in your life that make you happy.... What do you do when you feel blocked... stuck...

WHat do you do when your life is going in a positive direction so you think, but what if it isnt what you know for sure?

What do you do when your so confused you want to crawl in the closet and just lay there  - and when you try that it doesnt help... now what?

WHat do you do when nothing is wrong but you feel like everything is?

The name of my blog is happiness is key - so where is my key?  I feel like there is nothing to say... I know I want to shout from the roof tops that I am happy but my heart is broken... like the song says - Its impossible.

What to say?  Where to go?  I feel like my heart is broken but there is no reason for it.  Distance makes the heart grown fonder right?  But I think the fear of "its getting easier" makes me wonder if my choices are right...

You know people ask me why do I have such a hard time making decisions - well - the first real decision I ever made was when I was 11 I opted to live with my mother and it developed into one of the worst decisions of my life... and now I feel like I live my life in a lie, trying to make up for my wrong.  I struggle with making decisions because it seems like everyone I make is not the right one. 

I wish I had an answer to the truth.  I wish I knew what made me happy... being alone has given me time to think maybe I should have stopped myself from loving another until I truly loved myself.  The question is when will that be?  WIll I spend a live time of saddness and anger so deep inside myself?  People tell me I should get over it, I tell me I should get over it, but it is not something that is easy to come by.

I am so confused and lost, and stuck, and in pain.... I need to work out my kinks... But there is so many I feel like my life is full or knots I know will never losen, but what if they are strangling my heart?

there is something wrong with someone taking one pill hoping they will fall asleep... and taking another when it doesnt work, laying there and taking another until they passout...

People ask me if I am happy and I lie and say Yes... because a life time of "putting on that smile" seems so easy for those around me... when it just adds another knot to my tangle of webs.

I am going to lay down in hopes that last pill will let me go to sleep.

Goodnight world.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Diary 5.11.10

Dear Diary -

Do you ever feel down in the dumps... Not really sure why?  Just - Down.  Maybe it is bed time... maybe thats it -

Good night world.