Diary Entry 3.28.2010

Dear Diary,

So, I have some updating to do - Don't I?  Well, last Monday I went to my primary care and we went over a lot of different things.  In the end he offered me a b-12 shot that I think really helped me a lot.  I certainly feel different.  Tomorrow I will get my second dose, which I am very excited about.  It is amazing how the body works... missing certain vitamins makes your body and mind do some crazy things.

Work - Going well... as good as it is going to get with training.  Having to work closely with 20 people everyday can make for some difficult times but I am sure once we get out of training it will be easier.  Besides that I am excited to be working, and being stuck to a schedule makes me a happy person.

Health - As I said before I got the B-12 shot, and I am starting to feel better, I think with the blood work and getting the additional health things worked out will make things easier for me.  Struggling with my health for so long - it is an amazing feeling getting the kinks worked out.  I went to my plastic surgery appointment and my doctor is going to try to get me approved for the tummy surgery.  Which takes me into the family -

Famiy - I have debated for a while now, do I want to get plastic surgery and be forced to wait out the 2 years to have children?  I am wishy washy on this... and I know I need to really figure it out.  Honestly though, I would hate to go through the surgery and then get pregnant and then have my stomach stretch back out.  BUT on the other hand, I want to have it and be able to go to the beach and do things I have never been able to do... which would be hard having a child.  So that kind of puts me in a position where - Just like making a career choice, I am in need of making a personal live choice.  

I get to these roads and I dont know where to turn so I push along the "Need to make a decision" mode as long as I possibly can so I dont have to make the choice.  I have to come to terms with the fact I am getting older, and I am at the place in my life where these choices need to be made or I will be in a dead end job for the rest of my life and childless - and with being childless I will probably be boyfriend or husbandless.  I just dont know what I am doing.

I wish I knew the plan that God has for me, I feel like I am running in place and making no sudden moves - not wanting to mess up where I am because I am ok.  But I need to shake the boat in order to move ahead with my life.

I know more than anything in the world I want a husband and children - Is it my time to start this process?  Should I focus on bettering myself and me before jumping ship into a sea of "family life?" 

Today Beau and I slept as late as we could then went out to the mall and out for dinner and then came back home to relax.  Well - I relaxed and he worked on the truck.  Tomorrow I have my doctors appointment and then I think I am going to come home and try to set up an appointment with a person I can talk to - to maybe helped me straighten out all the turns in my life that I have yet to make decisions on - they are piling up and it scares me. 

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place and it sucks.  I need to figure myself out - How could anyone want to be with someone who doesnt even know what they are doing! 

New Goal - Figure it out!

Second New Goal - Remind myself daily I am not the 400 pound person I see in the Mirror - No one sees me that way so I should see myself that way either.

Third New Goal - Stop getting mad at Beau for nothing - My anger issues have nothing to do with him - channel it elsewhere.

Final thought of the day -

" Life is only as pleasurable as you allow it to be."  Therefore - if I dont take anything for granted - Everything will be exciting and pleasurable. 


So - Beau...  Today in the mall you said I looked like I was lost because I was looking around.  Did you notice the smile on my face?  I wasnt taking for granted that moment... I was extremely content holding your hand and just looking at everything.  IE - not taking for granted the moments of extreme bliss and calmness you bring to my life daily.  I love you.


Goodnight world!

Diary entry 3.18.2010

Dear Diary,

So I had to go to the hospital on tuesday morning around 7am... I was struggling - whatever was caught in my stomach made it so that I could barely breathe.  after a day of pain meds and waiting around I got moved to another hospital where I stayed the night and the next day they went in and checked things out.  So everything went well and I am home now - trying to relax!

So Beau went to see his family, 5 hours away from me, and I dont know when he will return AHHHHHH  Im sad cuz I love going with him on trips and stuff, it is so relaxing, but I know it is good for him to spend time alone with his friends and family, and time apart always grows relationships.  I love being with that man, diary - he makes me the happiest woman ALIVE!

Anyways, I am relaxing and getting ready for bed, til tomorrow diary!

Good Night world!

Diary Entry 3.12.2010

Dear Diary,

So I started work a couple weeks ago, so I havent really taken the time to write, I know, I am super behind!  I have to get up at 5 - 530 in the morning, but the past few days I barely get up before 6am... its tiring having to be there at 7am and working til 4, I mean getting out at 4 is cool because I beat the traffic, but getting up at 6am really is killing me - considering I am NOT a morning person.

Anyways enough bitching.  It is great working with people again and socializing - although it made me see I feel like I am the only one in my class of 20 something, everyone is around my age, I am like the only one Not Married, and No kids.  Its a real eye opener when I talk about going to go out and they talk about their kids or Husband or their wives.  Its a little odd I guess.  But I know in time my turn will come I am sure.

So I have been on edge trying to get back in the grove of working and trying to balance that and a home life - I have never been a good one at Balancing anything, so It reminds me I have issues there. 

I have to try to focus on things and for me thats difficult.  I feel like I am going to drop the ball on one or the other because I am either too quick to say the first thing that comes to my mind (even if it isnt what I really mean) or I neglect to think about others.

I dont know, I feel like my plate is over loaded and I dont know what to do with it - throw it?  Scares me that I will fail at one or the other when I know I want both.  I guess I have to figure things out... Maybe a bath will help, a good ol thinking bath...

Good Night all
Jess