"Cynicism... it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and your kind, Amazing things will happen." - Conan O'brien, Jan 22, 2010
Last night I realized after a tearful out pouring of experiences, I released a lot of pain that has built up inside my heart for many years. I did not want to let these experiences go because I felt I must have done something that was so painful or so hurtful to someone else, maybe in a past life, that I deserved all the pain I had in my heart.
Conan said it best when he mentioned that "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get." I did not come into life expecting the bullshit experiences I was served. The cards I was dealt, was not a hand I could throw away and I did not even have a high card. Many people in this life are dealt royal flushes. Whether or not they want to admit it, they have experienced life to the fullest with no effort spared.
Some of us are dealt shit. Even worse, some of us think we have a pretty good hand, and all of a sudden with no warning, the rules change and you would have thought we were playing Razz - Your "Great hand" is now the worse hand in the game.
What do we do? Do we dwell on the shit we got dealt? Do we hold that hand for years trying to make it work, only to fail? Or do we throw our hand in the air, let the cards hit the poker table and walk away from the game?
You know for the last 8 months my life has been turned upside-down. I have realized through it all I am still holding onto a poker hand that, well - It has drained all my money, and as much as I try, this hand is shit.
I have decided to throw in the cards. Fuck this game. The dealer is yanking my chain, and the other players have used me to their advantage. If I want the good in my life to work, I need to find a new table. I will deal my own damn cards - I will take the lead and be the dealer.
If I work hard and be kind, amazing things will happen. - Thank you Conan O'Brien, you said it best... I will not be like those in my life, I fear I will be like. I will be Jessica Lee - Born, without choice, into this world on April 26th 1983, but from here on out the game will be on my terms, my rules. I am happy and I will NOT let my past hand, mess up my Royal Flush!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Definition of love?? Hmmm....
You know today we were out in the garage, Beau and I, I sat in a chair watching him work on his vehicle and I just kept thinking to myself, I want this. I want this. I want to sit in "Our" garage feeling the cool breeze while he does what he enjoys and I do the same by checking on dinner, picking up, and inbetween just sitting there watching... listening to him talk about cars, while thinking I wish I knew what he was talking about.
I used to not have a clue about what I wanted, but everyday it seems to get clearer, and clearer. While listening to him chatter on about headlights in the back of my mind I could hear the pitter patter of childrens feet in the background. The undeniable joy and innocence in a childs laughter... Its so weird to hear/think things such as these when I have always believed I would never find the right person, I would only settle and in that - children are not something I wanted. The thought of bringing a child into a love-less home did not suit me very well. But I am guessing the reason for these "left field" thoughts about children are from being in love with the person I am with.
Right now, I am sitting here on the couch thinking, how can I finish this blog so I can go lay in his arms. I guess I will end it with this -
If you can not honestly say you are not in love with the one you are with, maybe it isnt right. I spent years of my life in a love-less home... if not all of my life. I feel as though I have never in my 26 years of existance, never have I seen a truly loving relationship between two people, until just under 5 months ago when it was provided to me, when I least expected it.
I have a new definition of love.
Love - The uncontrollable feeling in the pit of your stomach when your with another human being. A feeling of sheer Happiness. A feeling of completion. A feeling of falling in a hole and you know there is no bottom... its scary but you know you are safe. You will never hit the bottom so what is there to fear. Love is more than the feeling you get when you are served your favorite meal. Love is more than the feeling you get when you win the lottery. Love is Amazing. Love has no boundaries, has no control, and lastly - it makes you feel at peace.
Goodnight world.
Jessica
I used to not have a clue about what I wanted, but everyday it seems to get clearer, and clearer. While listening to him chatter on about headlights in the back of my mind I could hear the pitter patter of childrens feet in the background. The undeniable joy and innocence in a childs laughter... Its so weird to hear/think things such as these when I have always believed I would never find the right person, I would only settle and in that - children are not something I wanted. The thought of bringing a child into a love-less home did not suit me very well. But I am guessing the reason for these "left field" thoughts about children are from being in love with the person I am with.
Right now, I am sitting here on the couch thinking, how can I finish this blog so I can go lay in his arms. I guess I will end it with this -
If you can not honestly say you are not in love with the one you are with, maybe it isnt right. I spent years of my life in a love-less home... if not all of my life. I feel as though I have never in my 26 years of existance, never have I seen a truly loving relationship between two people, until just under 5 months ago when it was provided to me, when I least expected it.
I have a new definition of love.
Love - The uncontrollable feeling in the pit of your stomach when your with another human being. A feeling of sheer Happiness. A feeling of completion. A feeling of falling in a hole and you know there is no bottom... its scary but you know you are safe. You will never hit the bottom so what is there to fear. Love is more than the feeling you get when you are served your favorite meal. Love is more than the feeling you get when you win the lottery. Love is Amazing. Love has no boundaries, has no control, and lastly - it makes you feel at peace.
Goodnight world.
Jessica
Saturday, January 9, 2010
10 Things a Good Boyfriend wouldn't ask you to do...?
So I opened Yahoo.com and there was a huge things for 10 things a 'Good Boyfriend' wont ask you to do... and I read through the list thinking this:
#1. His laundry
Pairing your socks isn't exactly our idea of a stay-at-home date, nor does living with you make us a 1950s housewife. A good compromise is for one partner to sort and start the laundry and the other to fold and put it away. Plus, studies show that helping around the house can increase intimacy. So, how 'bout that pile of dishes? If you clean up the sink while we tackle the living room, we'll be more likely to cuddle.
My Rebuttal: Actually right this second I am waiting for the dryer to ding because I am de-wrinkling his shirts. Just because I like to do my man's laundry does not make me a 1950's housewife. Now... A 'Good Boyfriend' will do things without hesitation. A 'Good Girlfriend' would do the same. Also - As long as he picks up after himself, I keep the rest clean... and our 'intimacy' well - lets just say there is no way to increase it, thank you.
#2. Buy gifts and cards for other people on his behalf
We'll help when we're out with you, but no, we won't make a pit stop at Hallmark and Laura Ashley while we're shopping with the girls. Just because we're women doesn't mean we're automatically adept at figuring out your Aunt Martha's dress size.
My Rebuttal: Thats Crap. Men are not naturally emotional creatures. They do not think about Aunt Martha's Birthday coming up, or even how old she will be turning. Men have basic instincts to provide for themselves and their families. Although they love 'Aunt Martha' just the same, a card is not at the top of their lists. But as women we know they care about family and we know mailing out a card or a gift letting 'Aunt Martha' know he was thinking about her - connects the dots that most men don't think about.
#3. Plan an entire vacation without his help
When we ask you whether you'd rather spend our anniversary in Cabo or Vermont, we want you to express an actual preference, not to say, "Whatever, I'm happy with what makes you happy." The same goes for the hotel, the airline, and the restaurant reservations. Letting us take the reins isn't considerate, it's just lazy and boring. Instead, make sure to divvy up the planning. We pick the location and hotel, you plan the activities.
My Rebuttal: Okay, I'd like to start of by saying, the woman that wrote this - Obviously has a gay man as a boyfriend. I am sorry. Men do not pay attention to detail. As I stated earlier men have basic instincts and thats it. Mosgt don't give a shit where they go - Mostly because they know the most important thing - THEY ARENT AT WORK! Anything is better than the same ol same ol. They also know they dont want to get on your bad side for not setting up the 'activities' how you want them. Women naturally lead on crap like this, just because a man doesnt plan out his whole vacation does not make him lazy or boring... Secondly - If you plan the hotel and the location, he will simply say okay, relax at the hotel, or the beach maybe do some sight seeing. Men don't need detail to survive - Women do.
#4. Make him a sandwich
The refrigerator is 10 feet away and your game control has a pause button, so get up, stretch, and slap that ham and lettuce together by yourself. We don't care if you're "in the zone," because apparently, you were out of it long enough to articulate your immediate need for a nibble. Maybe we'll consider it if you agree to break from the game for 20 minutes, put on some coffee, and enjoy your afternoon snack with us.
My Rebuttal: First off - If you are a housewife, making him a sandwich should be just something you do - Taking care of your husband, your children and your home - Thats a housewifes Job. A Husband to a housewifes - His job is to provide for his family - Shelter, food, clothing, and also to provide her time to do her thing and have her breaks as well. If you are Not a housewife - then it would depend on what your doing - Your in the kitchen? Making him a sandwich. If your relaxing on the couch as well, ask him to pause it and you can both go in the kitchen to make one. If your off doing your own thing and he has guys over - wouldnt you want to make it for them so you dont end up with a mess in your kitchen?
In any event - if he was in the kitchen and you were watching TV and you asked him to make you something... if you respond to the above statement with a 'he would tell me to get it' then your with a bad boyfriend - Dont make him a sandwich. If your answer is 'Yes he'd make me a sandwich' then Yes, make the man a damn sandwich!
#5. Change your relationship status on Facebook
We believe our life outside of the Internet should speak for itself. On the off-chance that we break up, wouldn't you rather tell your close friends in person, rather than have that ever-present broken heart appear on 500 people's newsfeeds? Well, we would, so don't even ask us to include our relationship status on Facebook in the first place.
My Rebuttal: Sooooo... Are you saying it is okay he can leave his facebook stating he is single with all his single 'girl' friends on their? Thats gay. My Bf changed his and stated I was his girl before I even thought about it... Now that my friends - Is a good boyfriend.
#6. Be his wake-up call
Really, buy an alarm clock. Remembering a man's nap and wakeup schedule should be an occasional favor, not an everyday obligation.
My Rebuttal: Are you kidding? Your taking this shit too far. Listen, if my man was away and he asked me to give him a wake up call to get up for work, I would love too. Knowing that he wants to hear my voice first thing when he wakes up, makes me smile - Even if thats not why he requested it. And I know I wouldn't mind hearing his every morning. So - Him asking you to call and wake him up - Does not make him a bad boyfriend.
#7. Hang out with his ex
Some women like befriending the ex, and others just want to satisfy their curiosity about her, but don't pressure the ones who would rather keep a distance.
My Rebuttal: Well I dont have one for this one. This one I actually agree with. I couldn't hang out with my man and his 'ex' there is a reason they are 'exes' in the first place. Not that I would have any reason to worry or be jealous about... Thats why he is my man and not hers. =-0
#8. Keep up with his favorite shows
How would you like it if we made you religiously watch Desperate Housewives? Instead, let's pick a show we both like and make sure we follow it together.
My Rebuttal: Well, why cant you both have your own shows? I know my BF asked me to watch a show and I fell in love with it, so maybe you should give it a try before jumping down his throat. And maybe each having your 'show time' gives you space... no reason to think that would make him a bad BF.
#9. Lose weight
We'll tone up for health purposes and for ourselves, but if you're really concerned about the 5 lbs we gained over the holidays, don't flat-out complain that we're getting flabby. Instead, invite us to go biking with you or to take a yoga class together. Treat exercise as a fun activity we can do together instead of something that we should do just for you.
My Rebuttal: Okay, mixed feelings on this one. No one wants to hear they need to lose weight. But if your man tells you, okay, that flabbiness coming out is unattractive, would you rather he tell you about it or cheat on you after a few years of falling out of love with you. Men are visual beings, don't shoot them for it... it is how they are. IE - Women can read 'Love' Novels and get themselves off; but men can not. Men need to see whats going on, hear it, feel it. Also - It goes both ways, a couple needs to talk about things like that, I mean - if you love one another, you want to keep each other around for years to come... right?
#10. Keep our hair long
Trust us, short hair is cute, fun, and just as feminine as back-length hair. Just look at Halle Berry, Audrey Tautou and Keira Knightley, circa 2005. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Rihanna's hairstyles, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive..
My Rebuttal: Okay, I personally think Halle Berry looks like a man with no hair. I dont know, my BF did ask me to keep mine long, but I cut it a little anyways. Just because a man asks something of you doesnt mean you have to follow it and it certainly doesnt make him a bad BF. Maybe he is turned on by long hair. Naturally we would all have long hair maybe it is human nature to be turned on by long sexy hair on women.
In any event, I think this list is crap. Just my opinion but I think stuff like this gets women thinking they have it bad, and they really don't.
Now here is a real list of '10 things a Good Boyfriend wouldn't ask you to do?'
1. Have a Three-some with his Ex Girlfriend.
Now thats just wrong on so many levels. I would certainly think to myself - he is a bad boyfriend.
2. After only a short time dating, he asks you to co-sign for him to get a brand new car.
Expecially if I am driving an older car... I'd wonder why he couldnt sign for it himself or have anyone from his past do so.
3. Ask if his Ex can move in.
Umm... Thats F-ed up.
4. Ask to borrow money.
Now in certain situations this would be okay, but you need to make sure your not dating a 'Mooch'
5. He asks you to wake him up every morning in a sexual manner.
Well, sometimes this is fun, but we are not sex machines... if you want one of those buy a 'Real doll' and do her when you wake up.
6. Asks you to marry him after a week of dating.
You will NEVER know someone completely in a year, nevermind in a week. Give it time. I wouldnt say he is a bad boyfriend for asking you in a week, but I would say he has some problems.
7. Asks you to leave the seat UP.
Umm, I am a firm believer in, I put the seat down to pee, then you put the f-ing thing up. Kinda works both ways huh?
8. Asks you to Cook, Clean, do his laundry, and his errans.
Now, I am the kinda girl that likes to do things for my man, but I am not so much a fan of waking up to a laundry list of shit to do for him.
9. He asks you to kiss his moms ass.
Hahaha. (Insert witty comment here) hahahaha... Umm no.
10. He asks you to be his baby's Mama.
Ha, That should be Number one... Thats messed up. Not to mention ghetto. If a man ever said to me, I want you to be my 'Baby's Mama' That would be the end of that road. Now after dating for a long time, marriage, and such, a man said to me 'I want you to be the mother of my Children.' - Thats a sexy way of saying it, kind of beautiful in a way.
Luckily, My Boyfriend has never said any of the top then I listed, So I am thinking he is a good boyfriend. Better yet I know he is an Amazing Boyfriend. As for the list above that, most of thats crap. I hope women do not read shit like that and think they have it bad, and lose something good because of it.
Make your own top then list of shitty things a man will ask you to do, if your man does them - Maybe he isn't right for you.
Good luck!
Jess
#1. His laundry
Pairing your socks isn't exactly our idea of a stay-at-home date, nor does living with you make us a 1950s housewife. A good compromise is for one partner to sort and start the laundry and the other to fold and put it away. Plus, studies show that helping around the house can increase intimacy. So, how 'bout that pile of dishes? If you clean up the sink while we tackle the living room, we'll be more likely to cuddle.
My Rebuttal: Actually right this second I am waiting for the dryer to ding because I am de-wrinkling his shirts. Just because I like to do my man's laundry does not make me a 1950's housewife. Now... A 'Good Boyfriend' will do things without hesitation. A 'Good Girlfriend' would do the same. Also - As long as he picks up after himself, I keep the rest clean... and our 'intimacy' well - lets just say there is no way to increase it, thank you.
#2. Buy gifts and cards for other people on his behalf
We'll help when we're out with you, but no, we won't make a pit stop at Hallmark and Laura Ashley while we're shopping with the girls. Just because we're women doesn't mean we're automatically adept at figuring out your Aunt Martha's dress size.
My Rebuttal: Thats Crap. Men are not naturally emotional creatures. They do not think about Aunt Martha's Birthday coming up, or even how old she will be turning. Men have basic instincts to provide for themselves and their families. Although they love 'Aunt Martha' just the same, a card is not at the top of their lists. But as women we know they care about family and we know mailing out a card or a gift letting 'Aunt Martha' know he was thinking about her - connects the dots that most men don't think about.
#3. Plan an entire vacation without his help
When we ask you whether you'd rather spend our anniversary in Cabo or Vermont, we want you to express an actual preference, not to say, "Whatever, I'm happy with what makes you happy." The same goes for the hotel, the airline, and the restaurant reservations. Letting us take the reins isn't considerate, it's just lazy and boring. Instead, make sure to divvy up the planning. We pick the location and hotel, you plan the activities.
My Rebuttal: Okay, I'd like to start of by saying, the woman that wrote this - Obviously has a gay man as a boyfriend. I am sorry. Men do not pay attention to detail. As I stated earlier men have basic instincts and thats it. Mosgt don't give a shit where they go - Mostly because they know the most important thing - THEY ARENT AT WORK! Anything is better than the same ol same ol. They also know they dont want to get on your bad side for not setting up the 'activities' how you want them. Women naturally lead on crap like this, just because a man doesnt plan out his whole vacation does not make him lazy or boring... Secondly - If you plan the hotel and the location, he will simply say okay, relax at the hotel, or the beach maybe do some sight seeing. Men don't need detail to survive - Women do.
#4. Make him a sandwich
The refrigerator is 10 feet away and your game control has a pause button, so get up, stretch, and slap that ham and lettuce together by yourself. We don't care if you're "in the zone," because apparently, you were out of it long enough to articulate your immediate need for a nibble. Maybe we'll consider it if you agree to break from the game for 20 minutes, put on some coffee, and enjoy your afternoon snack with us.
My Rebuttal: First off - If you are a housewife, making him a sandwich should be just something you do - Taking care of your husband, your children and your home - Thats a housewifes Job. A Husband to a housewifes - His job is to provide for his family - Shelter, food, clothing, and also to provide her time to do her thing and have her breaks as well. If you are Not a housewife - then it would depend on what your doing - Your in the kitchen? Making him a sandwich. If your relaxing on the couch as well, ask him to pause it and you can both go in the kitchen to make one. If your off doing your own thing and he has guys over - wouldnt you want to make it for them so you dont end up with a mess in your kitchen?
In any event - if he was in the kitchen and you were watching TV and you asked him to make you something... if you respond to the above statement with a 'he would tell me to get it' then your with a bad boyfriend - Dont make him a sandwich. If your answer is 'Yes he'd make me a sandwich' then Yes, make the man a damn sandwich!
#5. Change your relationship status on Facebook
We believe our life outside of the Internet should speak for itself. On the off-chance that we break up, wouldn't you rather tell your close friends in person, rather than have that ever-present broken heart appear on 500 people's newsfeeds? Well, we would, so don't even ask us to include our relationship status on Facebook in the first place.
My Rebuttal: Sooooo... Are you saying it is okay he can leave his facebook stating he is single with all his single 'girl' friends on their? Thats gay. My Bf changed his and stated I was his girl before I even thought about it... Now that my friends - Is a good boyfriend.
#6. Be his wake-up call
Really, buy an alarm clock. Remembering a man's nap and wakeup schedule should be an occasional favor, not an everyday obligation.
My Rebuttal: Are you kidding? Your taking this shit too far. Listen, if my man was away and he asked me to give him a wake up call to get up for work, I would love too. Knowing that he wants to hear my voice first thing when he wakes up, makes me smile - Even if thats not why he requested it. And I know I wouldn't mind hearing his every morning. So - Him asking you to call and wake him up - Does not make him a bad boyfriend.
#7. Hang out with his ex
Some women like befriending the ex, and others just want to satisfy their curiosity about her, but don't pressure the ones who would rather keep a distance.
My Rebuttal: Well I dont have one for this one. This one I actually agree with. I couldn't hang out with my man and his 'ex' there is a reason they are 'exes' in the first place. Not that I would have any reason to worry or be jealous about... Thats why he is my man and not hers. =-0
#8. Keep up with his favorite shows
How would you like it if we made you religiously watch Desperate Housewives? Instead, let's pick a show we both like and make sure we follow it together.
My Rebuttal: Well, why cant you both have your own shows? I know my BF asked me to watch a show and I fell in love with it, so maybe you should give it a try before jumping down his throat. And maybe each having your 'show time' gives you space... no reason to think that would make him a bad BF.
#9. Lose weight
We'll tone up for health purposes and for ourselves, but if you're really concerned about the 5 lbs we gained over the holidays, don't flat-out complain that we're getting flabby. Instead, invite us to go biking with you or to take a yoga class together. Treat exercise as a fun activity we can do together instead of something that we should do just for you.
My Rebuttal: Okay, mixed feelings on this one. No one wants to hear they need to lose weight. But if your man tells you, okay, that flabbiness coming out is unattractive, would you rather he tell you about it or cheat on you after a few years of falling out of love with you. Men are visual beings, don't shoot them for it... it is how they are. IE - Women can read 'Love' Novels and get themselves off; but men can not. Men need to see whats going on, hear it, feel it. Also - It goes both ways, a couple needs to talk about things like that, I mean - if you love one another, you want to keep each other around for years to come... right?
#10. Keep our hair long
Trust us, short hair is cute, fun, and just as feminine as back-length hair. Just look at Halle Berry, Audrey Tautou and Keira Knightley, circa 2005. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Rihanna's hairstyles, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive..
My Rebuttal: Okay, I personally think Halle Berry looks like a man with no hair. I dont know, my BF did ask me to keep mine long, but I cut it a little anyways. Just because a man asks something of you doesnt mean you have to follow it and it certainly doesnt make him a bad BF. Maybe he is turned on by long hair. Naturally we would all have long hair maybe it is human nature to be turned on by long sexy hair on women.
In any event, I think this list is crap. Just my opinion but I think stuff like this gets women thinking they have it bad, and they really don't.
Now here is a real list of '10 things a Good Boyfriend wouldn't ask you to do?'
1. Have a Three-some with his Ex Girlfriend.
Now thats just wrong on so many levels. I would certainly think to myself - he is a bad boyfriend.
2. After only a short time dating, he asks you to co-sign for him to get a brand new car.
Expecially if I am driving an older car... I'd wonder why he couldnt sign for it himself or have anyone from his past do so.
3. Ask if his Ex can move in.
Umm... Thats F-ed up.
4. Ask to borrow money.
Now in certain situations this would be okay, but you need to make sure your not dating a 'Mooch'
5. He asks you to wake him up every morning in a sexual manner.
Well, sometimes this is fun, but we are not sex machines... if you want one of those buy a 'Real doll' and do her when you wake up.
6. Asks you to marry him after a week of dating.
You will NEVER know someone completely in a year, nevermind in a week. Give it time. I wouldnt say he is a bad boyfriend for asking you in a week, but I would say he has some problems.
7. Asks you to leave the seat UP.
Umm, I am a firm believer in, I put the seat down to pee, then you put the f-ing thing up. Kinda works both ways huh?
8. Asks you to Cook, Clean, do his laundry, and his errans.
Now, I am the kinda girl that likes to do things for my man, but I am not so much a fan of waking up to a laundry list of shit to do for him.
9. He asks you to kiss his moms ass.
Hahaha. (Insert witty comment here) hahahaha... Umm no.
10. He asks you to be his baby's Mama.
Ha, That should be Number one... Thats messed up. Not to mention ghetto. If a man ever said to me, I want you to be my 'Baby's Mama' That would be the end of that road. Now after dating for a long time, marriage, and such, a man said to me 'I want you to be the mother of my Children.' - Thats a sexy way of saying it, kind of beautiful in a way.
Luckily, My Boyfriend has never said any of the top then I listed, So I am thinking he is a good boyfriend. Better yet I know he is an Amazing Boyfriend. As for the list above that, most of thats crap. I hope women do not read shit like that and think they have it bad, and lose something good because of it.
Make your own top then list of shitty things a man will ask you to do, if your man does them - Maybe he isn't right for you.
Good luck!
Jess
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
My Personal Goals for 2010...
Before December 31st of 2010, I will accomplish the following;
1. Start working out on a regular basis
2. Lose an additional 37 pounds Making my total weightloss: 220 pounds
3. Get a good paying Job with good Benefits
4. Have my Plastic Surgery in the works of happening.
5. Decide what I want to do for a career
6. Start Classes at a Cape Fear
7. Make a trip to New Hampshire for Beau to meet my family and friends
So far thats what I have got, but I will add to this as I go ....
1. Start working out on a regular basis
2. Lose an additional 37 pounds Making my total weightloss: 220 pounds
3. Get a good paying Job with good Benefits
4. Have my Plastic Surgery in the works of happening.
5. Decide what I want to do for a career
6. Start Classes at a Cape Fear
7. Make a trip to New Hampshire for Beau to meet my family and friends
So far thats what I have got, but I will add to this as I go ....
So strong, yet so weak, and so in love...
It's amazing where the last 8 months have lead me. I have - in 8 months - seen both the best and the worst in myself... it really is amazing. I wish I could take everyone in my life, and put them on a rollercoasted called "Jess's last 8 months" so they can understand the mental and physical parts of lossing 180 pounds.
Beyond that I wish I could express the amazing feeling I get when I am around Beau. The feeling of love, excitement, I am almost unable to control my heart wanting to scream. I get excited thinking about the future, this has never happened before. I used to not care and live for the moment because I did not expect to reach my next birthday. Now I pray for another 100 years, I could spend here on earth, in his arms.
I dont know. It is so weird going from being so lonely but wanting to be alone because you hate the one your with to being so in love you never want to leave his side...
I need to go to bed, Sleep deprived... but happy :-D
Beyond that I wish I could express the amazing feeling I get when I am around Beau. The feeling of love, excitement, I am almost unable to control my heart wanting to scream. I get excited thinking about the future, this has never happened before. I used to not care and live for the moment because I did not expect to reach my next birthday. Now I pray for another 100 years, I could spend here on earth, in his arms.
I dont know. It is so weird going from being so lonely but wanting to be alone because you hate the one your with to being so in love you never want to leave his side...
I need to go to bed, Sleep deprived... but happy :-D
Saturday, January 2, 2010
My name is Jessica and...
I hate walking barefoot on rocks,
I hate when it rains and I just did my make up,
I hate when shirts I buy don't come down long enough,
I hate not knowing when to stop arguing,
I hate being alone for a long period of time,
I hate not being loved,
I hate the fact I have to battle my weight and many others don't,
I hate that I am not a clean freak but try hard to be one,
I hate that I during serious conversations my mind won't slow down enough to make sense,
I hate that I try to make everyone else happy and forget whose most important-myself,
I hate when I spend all day in the kitchen and someone puts ketchup all over what I made,
I hate forgetting what I am doing in the middle of doing it,
I hate when people don't like me,
I hate...
I love the smell of Pine-sol,
I love cooking,
I love complex history,
I love my free-spirited personality,
I love good-hearted people,
I love all animals just scared of most,
I love how simple and complex nature is,
I love knowing how small I am compared to the universe,
I love walking barefoot in the sand,
I love when it storms while I fall asleep,
I love watching the ocean waves hitting the sand,
I love watching birds in mid flight,
I love being in love,
I love being complex yet simple to please,
I love being open minded,
I love being outspoken,
I love...
I need to be told I am loved even though I think I love them more,
I need to learn to love myself,
I need to know I am needed,
I need to learn its okay to need someone else too,
I need to be alone sometimes to collect my thoughts,
I need to learn to be self sufficient,
I need to learn to finish something I start,
I need to...
I want to travel the world,
I want to have a man feel like he can't live without me,
I want to know the day I say "I do" will be for real - true love at its finest,
I want to see tears in my husbands eyes when I hand him his first child,
I want to buy my first home with a big bathtub,
I want to wake up every morning happy to be alive,
I want to ...
Life doesn't have to be as complex as I make it sometimes,
Life can be all I want, need, love, and more if I make it,
The meaning of life, is to live it. There is no complex meaning to life, but to live it as positive and as full as we can.
The meaning of life is - finding happiness, because it is the only key to success. True success.
-Jessica
I hate when it rains and I just did my make up,
I hate when shirts I buy don't come down long enough,
I hate not knowing when to stop arguing,
I hate being alone for a long period of time,
I hate not being loved,
I hate the fact I have to battle my weight and many others don't,
I hate that I am not a clean freak but try hard to be one,
I hate that I during serious conversations my mind won't slow down enough to make sense,
I hate that I try to make everyone else happy and forget whose most important-myself,
I hate when I spend all day in the kitchen and someone puts ketchup all over what I made,
I hate forgetting what I am doing in the middle of doing it,
I hate when people don't like me,
I hate...
I love the smell of Pine-sol,
I love cooking,
I love complex history,
I love my free-spirited personality,
I love good-hearted people,
I love all animals just scared of most,
I love how simple and complex nature is,
I love knowing how small I am compared to the universe,
I love walking barefoot in the sand,
I love when it storms while I fall asleep,
I love watching the ocean waves hitting the sand,
I love watching birds in mid flight,
I love being in love,
I love being complex yet simple to please,
I love being open minded,
I love being outspoken,
I love...
I need to be told I am loved even though I think I love them more,
I need to learn to love myself,
I need to know I am needed,
I need to learn its okay to need someone else too,
I need to be alone sometimes to collect my thoughts,
I need to learn to be self sufficient,
I need to learn to finish something I start,
I need to...
I want to travel the world,
I want to have a man feel like he can't live without me,
I want to know the day I say "I do" will be for real - true love at its finest,
I want to see tears in my husbands eyes when I hand him his first child,
I want to buy my first home with a big bathtub,
I want to wake up every morning happy to be alive,
I want to ...
Life doesn't have to be as complex as I make it sometimes,
Life can be all I want, need, love, and more if I make it,
The meaning of life, is to live it. There is no complex meaning to life, but to live it as positive and as full as we can.
The meaning of life is - finding happiness, because it is the only key to success. True success.
-Jessica
A Picture says a Thousand Words...
They say a photo says a thousand words, but I believe this picture says a million. I remember the night the photo on the left was taken. That night we had just left Olive Garden, where I had the endless bowl of Creamy Garlic Chicken Alfredo and Breadsticks. We noticed the locals were playing baseball so we watched while eating our Dairy Queen, where I had a Large Banana Cream Pie Blizzard. When I was dropped off from hanging out with my friends I spent the next hour trying to throw up the ten pounds of pasta and blizzard I had eaten earlier. While sitting on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet I cried while asking God why he tortured me by keeping me here on this earth and asking him if I should go ahead and take my life in my own hands and end it. I spent the night in bed crying until I fell asleep, alone.
The photo on the right tells a different story. That photo was taken in North Carolina. Where I was woken up in the morning for a kiss from a man that warms my heart. I got dressed to run some errans and after getting dressed in jeans and a teeshirt I found in the closet, and threw my hair up... looked at myself in the mirror and said out-loud, "Thank you." No other words were needed, I think the big man upstairs heard my heart screaming with happiness.
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