Dear Diary,
I am doing well in my healing process... Yesterday I was finally able to take a shower by myself instead of sitting on the side of the tub giving myself a half ass bath. Its nice that after 2 and a half weeks I am actually feeling clean. Today was the first day I went out driving by myself. I admit I was "hopped up" on Tylenol but I did fine. It was weird but I did great and it made me feel great! Tonight I made a nice dinner, I thought to myself today Beau will be having Gastric Bypass in 15 days... and I remember 2 weeks before my surgery I put myself on a liquid diet because I was so fearful about dying I was consumed with the thought that if I lose as much weight as I could before surgery I could shrink my liver and kidneys and lower my risks of dying. I gave up the last two weeks I had with my natural born stomach. A decision I regret, so I hope to give Beau whatever he wants before his surgery, because I know that even though this is the best decision of my life and I am VERY happy with giving up certain foods I wish I wouldnt have been so fearful and would have enjoyed my last snickers bar without fear.
But as for me and my healing process is going well just hate the drains I have to keep in another 4 days or so... and the binder I have to wear for the next 6-8 weeks. And I am not completely happy with the progress, know it is a process and it only just begun. I HATE surgery with a passion - being wheeled into the operating room - sliding myself over to the hard table and putting my arms up like I am on a cross and having them put the oxygen over my face as the tears run down my face asking in a panic "Are you putting me to sleep now???" as I quickly drift away. The fear, just before falling asleep, quickly desolves - just as I gasp for air waking up screaming from the pain being told by the nurse "Stop Screaming your scaring the other patients" Then I fall back asleep from the heavy dosing of pain meds. Did I mention I HATE surgery!!
So let me stop thinking about that - One too many and more to go makes me depressed... On to other news...
I am finding myself watching all these stupid wedding shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Four Weddings" mostly crap on TLC. I find myself wondering about myself and marriage. Well about a week ago while watching I thought to myself - OMG I am actually going to be able to dress up and look Great in a dress... I will actually not be a Fat bride... this is something I never ever really thought for myself.
The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind was racing a mile a minute about marriage and why I wasnt already married and what I have done to prevent it or if I should get married, if I should say yes if I am ever worth being asked... then I quickly said No. I should Not get married. In shock I thought more about my quick subconcious response to a question I would certainly say the opposite if given the chance.... Thats when I realized that I am in absolutely no position to bring anyone else into my world of debt. I wouldnt mind being engaged for a really long time while I fix my mess of distruction to my credit score from before my rebirth. (Surgery)
It was like I woke up Finally. Stop thinking about myself and start thinking about the other person joining his life to mine, I would never want to make him take on what I messed up. So, being engaged or dating someone is one thing, but I refuse to marry until I at least get on the right path of fixing my screwed up finances. Epiphany? I think so.
Thanks for listening to me ramble as usual....
Jessica
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