Dear Diary,
Today I woke up at 5am... wth! I couldnt believe it, I even tried to snuggle up to the love of my life, and still couldn't fall asleep! So I sat on the couch and decided I would go out and get some coffee and then come back to the house to relax a bit.
One thing I have had on my mind is the fact my weightloss has not progressed further than where it is. It has stayed at about what it has been for quite a while. At one point I gained back and went to exactly 200 pounds. I was struck with fear and have since watched my weight and got it back down to about where I wanted to be when I first started this progress.
At 400+ pounds I said I would give anything to be 185. I have gotten to that point and have not been able to progress below this and I know it is because of my lack of fight.
I have decided today I am starting back - fighting. I never want to be that person again and if I do not focus I will never make my goal of being in the center of the healthy BMI levels which means I need to lose an additional 25 pounds.
Some people say that weightloss is easy if you have surgery and they have no idea unless they have been there. It is not easy, expecially when you have had so many complications it puts you couch-ridden.
I have decided to get my fight back, not only for me, but for the fact that in 1 1/2 months I have to do a photo for the front cover of my book. I want that cover to show my 80+ inches of scars that have brought me from the person I once was to the person I am today. The second reason I want to do this is because I want to prove I am on my way, I am successful. This struggle is like anyone else, food is a battle, working out is a battle, and fighting off the pain and struggles and not turning to food is really the battle.
So - here is to a fresh start. For me, no one else. Very few have been there through thick and thin and I continue to remind myself that not everyone is what they say they are.
I am a good person, I am a strong woman, I am a tough female ready to fight for what I want. The fight in me died for a little while but it is back - complications or not - NO ONE will tell me I am a loss cause. No one will tell me I am not going to make it. I will make it and I dont even care to prove myself to anyone. I will make it for me and MY future. I have always said, "its your choice to be part of my life," and I want to take that back. It is my decision. I am strong and I will do this for me, Life will follow.
To those of you who have always been there regardless; never judged, never used me for their own gain, never turned me away in my time of need, never stopped listening - You are my added strength - thank you.
Jessica
Today I woke up at 5am... wth! I couldnt believe it, I even tried to snuggle up to the love of my life, and still couldn't fall asleep! So I sat on the couch and decided I would go out and get some coffee and then come back to the house to relax a bit.
One thing I have had on my mind is the fact my weightloss has not progressed further than where it is. It has stayed at about what it has been for quite a while. At one point I gained back and went to exactly 200 pounds. I was struck with fear and have since watched my weight and got it back down to about where I wanted to be when I first started this progress.
At 400+ pounds I said I would give anything to be 185. I have gotten to that point and have not been able to progress below this and I know it is because of my lack of fight.
I have decided today I am starting back - fighting. I never want to be that person again and if I do not focus I will never make my goal of being in the center of the healthy BMI levels which means I need to lose an additional 25 pounds.
Some people say that weightloss is easy if you have surgery and they have no idea unless they have been there. It is not easy, expecially when you have had so many complications it puts you couch-ridden.
I have decided to get my fight back, not only for me, but for the fact that in 1 1/2 months I have to do a photo for the front cover of my book. I want that cover to show my 80+ inches of scars that have brought me from the person I once was to the person I am today. The second reason I want to do this is because I want to prove I am on my way, I am successful. This struggle is like anyone else, food is a battle, working out is a battle, and fighting off the pain and struggles and not turning to food is really the battle.
So - here is to a fresh start. For me, no one else. Very few have been there through thick and thin and I continue to remind myself that not everyone is what they say they are.
I am a good person, I am a strong woman, I am a tough female ready to fight for what I want. The fight in me died for a little while but it is back - complications or not - NO ONE will tell me I am a loss cause. No one will tell me I am not going to make it. I will make it and I dont even care to prove myself to anyone. I will make it for me and MY future. I have always said, "its your choice to be part of my life," and I want to take that back. It is my decision. I am strong and I will do this for me, Life will follow.
To those of you who have always been there regardless; never judged, never used me for their own gain, never turned me away in my time of need, never stopped listening - You are my added strength - thank you.
Jessica
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Feel free to comment whats on your mind! Also if your going to post Anonymous, type in your name, so we can keep things organized and you dont look like a wuss.