Diary Entry 3.28.2010

Dear Diary,

So, I have some updating to do - Don't I?  Well, last Monday I went to my primary care and we went over a lot of different things.  In the end he offered me a b-12 shot that I think really helped me a lot.  I certainly feel different.  Tomorrow I will get my second dose, which I am very excited about.  It is amazing how the body works... missing certain vitamins makes your body and mind do some crazy things.

Work - Going well... as good as it is going to get with training.  Having to work closely with 20 people everyday can make for some difficult times but I am sure once we get out of training it will be easier.  Besides that I am excited to be working, and being stuck to a schedule makes me a happy person.

Health - As I said before I got the B-12 shot, and I am starting to feel better, I think with the blood work and getting the additional health things worked out will make things easier for me.  Struggling with my health for so long - it is an amazing feeling getting the kinks worked out.  I went to my plastic surgery appointment and my doctor is going to try to get me approved for the tummy surgery.  Which takes me into the family -

Famiy - I have debated for a while now, do I want to get plastic surgery and be forced to wait out the 2 years to have children?  I am wishy washy on this... and I know I need to really figure it out.  Honestly though, I would hate to go through the surgery and then get pregnant and then have my stomach stretch back out.  BUT on the other hand, I want to have it and be able to go to the beach and do things I have never been able to do... which would be hard having a child.  So that kind of puts me in a position where - Just like making a career choice, I am in need of making a personal live choice.  

I get to these roads and I dont know where to turn so I push along the "Need to make a decision" mode as long as I possibly can so I dont have to make the choice.  I have to come to terms with the fact I am getting older, and I am at the place in my life where these choices need to be made or I will be in a dead end job for the rest of my life and childless - and with being childless I will probably be boyfriend or husbandless.  I just dont know what I am doing.

I wish I knew the plan that God has for me, I feel like I am running in place and making no sudden moves - not wanting to mess up where I am because I am ok.  But I need to shake the boat in order to move ahead with my life.

I know more than anything in the world I want a husband and children - Is it my time to start this process?  Should I focus on bettering myself and me before jumping ship into a sea of "family life?" 

Today Beau and I slept as late as we could then went out to the mall and out for dinner and then came back home to relax.  Well - I relaxed and he worked on the truck.  Tomorrow I have my doctors appointment and then I think I am going to come home and try to set up an appointment with a person I can talk to - to maybe helped me straighten out all the turns in my life that I have yet to make decisions on - they are piling up and it scares me. 

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place and it sucks.  I need to figure myself out - How could anyone want to be with someone who doesnt even know what they are doing! 

New Goal - Figure it out!

Second New Goal - Remind myself daily I am not the 400 pound person I see in the Mirror - No one sees me that way so I should see myself that way either.

Third New Goal - Stop getting mad at Beau for nothing - My anger issues have nothing to do with him - channel it elsewhere.

Final thought of the day -

" Life is only as pleasurable as you allow it to be."  Therefore - if I dont take anything for granted - Everything will be exciting and pleasurable. 


So - Beau...  Today in the mall you said I looked like I was lost because I was looking around.  Did you notice the smile on my face?  I wasnt taking for granted that moment... I was extremely content holding your hand and just looking at everything.  IE - not taking for granted the moments of extreme bliss and calmness you bring to my life daily.  I love you.


Goodnight world!