I often look back at my experiences and think to myself how is it possible to still only be 26 years old yet I am experienced as if I was turning 60. Life goes by fast - Yes, but experiences seem to go faster. Everyone that knows me, knows one thing is definite - I am an Open Book. I say what is on my mind, even though it may take me time to get the words out right but I am also open with my experiences, no matter how happy or how traumatic. In hopes that my experiences and triumphs will help others who are going down a path I have or know someone who has. I also speak out because advice from others is wonderful. It is great to see how others think, even if they don’t agree with me.
My experience going from a 400 pound person to a 220 pound person has been dramatic. A lot of things have happened both bad and good with the complications but the one thing they don’t really have a lot to tell people about before having this surgery is the mental aspect.
I mean really - How can you tell a 400 pound person what it would be like to be 220 pounds and more socially acceptable? How do you tell a 400 pound person what it would be like to no longer be scared to walk into Wal-Mart during a time of rush? Or how to deal with people when they look at you and tell you how beautiful you are.
Being 220, I think to myself, what would they have said if I was still 400 pounds? How dare they tell me they think I am beautiful when I know that if I was still 400 pounds they would have snickered at me as I walked away or they would think to themselves how unhealthy I am. I can say that honestly because I find myself now thinking the same thing when I see a larger woman or man walk by me in a store. I laugh to myself when I see an overweight person riding in a chair drinking a drink from McDonalds with obvious stains of their recent burger.
I have to remember that I am no longer that person. I am no longer the person who drives through McDonalds ordering whatever I can, eating until I am too full to move, then continuing to eat because it is there. I am no longer the person that turns to food to fill that void from the pit of my soul that is begging to be loved and to be needed. I no longer am that person that cries after eating all I can possibly fit into myself because the food did not fill that void. I am no longer that person that thinks that every look I get is a stare of the embarrassment they feel for me.
I am NOW that person who reasons with the void and fills it with the happiness I get from my strength. I am NOW the person that wakes up thankful to be alive. I am NOW that person who looks for ways to improve my quality of living and my successes in life.
8 Months ago, I knew for a fact I was going to either die during my surgery, not make it to my surgery, or the surgery was just not going to work for me. 8 Months ago, you could see in my eyes the pain and despair of life and how much pain my past experiences still caused me. 8 Months ago, the smile on my face, the laughter in my voice, the carefree person you saw was a cover up for the depressed, suicidal, terrified, lost soul I carried underneath it all.
Today - December 26th 2009, That laughter comes from the depth of my soul. That smile is true as the sky is blue and that person who lost touch with reality is living free and understands that the past only makes me stronger. Today, I am thankful for my friends, I am thankful for the new people in my life, and I have learned what it is like to be grateful for what is truly great.
Today - December 26th 2009, I know what it is to love and to be truly loved in return. I know what it is to “relax” and to take a deep breath. I have seen both the bad and the good in myself for the first time. I look in the mirror and see that I am a truly beautiful woman. I am able to offer a friendship, I am able to offer love, and I am able to offer myself - because you can not share yourself completely if you do not know yourself completely.
In order to be loved, you must love yourself first. In order to share true laughter and joy, you must find true laughter and joy in living. Life is about experiences because it teaches you about yourself and makes you stronger.
The beauty of bad experiences equals out over time with the positive ones, but only if you see the positive in them.
Much blessings, Happy Holidays all.
Love
Jessica
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