So where do I start??

Lets start with this year - 2009

November, 2009 - Weighed in at 399 wearing a size 32/34 pants and a 3xl - 4xl top and living in Acton- Metro West Boston MA.  I had a Cat, a tomato plant and a relationship that was over long before then.  I knew I wanted more so I set up an appointment with Dr David Lautz a Gastro surgeon at Brigham and Woman's Hospital for Jan 29th 2009.  I kept telling myself I could lose the weight on my own and be happy doing so, and I would go daily to subway and get a foot long BLT sub with all the veggies thinking that with all the veggies it would be good for me but I never really thought about what I was putting into my body so I continued to stay between 386 and 400 for over a year.

Jan 14th, 2009 - I weighed the same, still depressed with a tomato plant and a cat and went to my local doctor and informed her of my decision to look into Gastric Bypass - I also went to see her because I was having the same chest pains that I had been experiencing for months now but was too scared to see a doctor.  After seeing her she told me I would likely never have children but the chances would be higher if I lost a considerable amount of weight.  She also informed me that my chances of a stroke were very high, and I was a ticking time bomb.  She then sent me to see a cardiologist because she heard the palpatations in my chest and the pain worried her.  That night I wore a Halter Monitor, where they attach this machine to your chest to monitor the beats.  Of course the palpatations didnt happen that night so they cleared me.

Jan 29th, 2009 - I went to boston, alone for my appointment as I did most things.  I was realizing fast that I was alone in the world and I was the only one that could change the way I felt and the path I was fastly going down.  The surgeon was amazing, he answered all of my questions and told me he wants to help me.  He told me he thought I was a prime candidate and that I would/should have no complications.  So I decided then to go through the testing.   Gastric Bypass was for me.  I was too weak to do it alone and I needed an easy way out.

Feb 14th, 2009 - Ohhh Valentines day.  I got nothing, I am not even sure I got a kiss.  I wondered to myself why dont I just leave.  He doesnt love me, he doesnt want me, and I am wasting my time.  But I stayed because I didnt want to be alone.  I stayed because I thought I wasnt worth that kiss, or worth anything better.  How can you want something better, a better love when you have never been truly loved.  You dont really know what your missing, but you know there is something missing.

March 9th 2009 - Joe goes in for his gastric bypass.  Yeah I know, His was two mon ths before mine. The nurse told me once before when we were alone, she thought the surgery will bring us close together, she though that she thinks we will be perfect for one another when we find happiness in ourselves.  So we get to the hospital at 730 - Joe goes into surgery sometime between 930 and 1130.  I sat in a small waiting room with his parents listening to them say what happens will happen.  If it is his time to go it is his time.  But for me I knew the man I once loved was under the knife and it was my idea for him to do this.  I pushed him to endure this pain, I pushed him to suffer.  Not once did I think I pushed him to save his own life considering he had reached 454 at the time of surgery.  Finally Dr Lautz called me to tell me he was out and ok and I could go see him.  His parents waited while I ran as fast as I could to the post op room.  There he was laying in a bed obvious pain, I started crying harder than I had before.  I was the reason for his pain, I was the reason for his crying out for medication.  I couldnt be there I grabbed his hand, told him I loved him and ran out trying to hold myself together.  I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor trying to gather myself.

His parents went in and I sat out until he was in his room, and then I went to see him, I asked him if there was anything I could do and he said no.  I gave him a bath before leaving, crying the whole way home thinking what had I done to his man.  He called me later that night to tell me that he loved me and he was okay.

March 12th 2009 - he came home, his parents were there, I went to buy him everything he needed and when I got back he was sleeping.  When he awoke he seemed upset, within 20 minutes he got off the couch, threw his hands up and left the apartment.  I sat with his parents confused.  Aparently on his way home he spoke to his father about what I had did to him.  I followed him out the apartment to find out what was wrong only for him to be pacing the laundry room.  I asked, "whats wrong?  Are you okay?"  His response was "Nothings wrong, I have to walk"  After a few minutes of me staring at him he started to yell that I had did this to him, he cryed out - "You did this to me."  from then on I realized this is not going to be good.

For the next two months before my surgery he barely talked to me, left early and spent most of his time talking to some girl in a game he plays.

May 11th, 2009  - One day til my surgery, I was alone still, no one to really talk to.  I had tried many times to better Joe and My relationship but there was nothing there.  I knew  had surgery tomorrow and I was scared.  Stayed up all night thinking I was going to die the next day. 

May 12th 2009 - I stayed up all night and Joe and I left the house at 4am to reach the hospital by 5am.  My surgery was scheduled for 730am.  I told Joe I wanted to leave... I did not want to go through this surgery, I did not want to go through the pain, I was not ready to give up my addiction to food.  The surgeons gave me medications they thought would help me get through the "rolling into the operating room" but they only made me more nervous.  They were all great though, and the surgeons and techs just kept telling me I was doing the right thing.  Joe gave me a peck and went to the waiting room.  As they rolled me down the hall I kept saying, I am going to make it right... they would just respond with, youll be fine.

I woke up as soon as they took the oxygen mask off in the operating room, I remember hearing the nurses say "Shes awake shes awake" and I screamed "Where am I???"  as soon as the nurologist looked down and said "Jessica your okay you just had surgery, take a deep breath"  they gave me something to knock me back out.

May 15th 2009 I came home, in severe pain, and so much suffering I could not go to the bathroom or even take a shower.  I was unable to drink or move.  Joe was home but he played his game and left me there pretty much to suffer.  I watched tv for the first night and every food commercial made me cry.

May 16th 2009 I called the hospital and informed the nurses of the pain I was in, and they said I had a stitch in the muscle they tore, thats why I was in pain and that I would be okay.  So I suffered and struggled to go to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub to take a bath.  No where in this did I have help.  I wondered if I had done the right thing.  I wondered why didnt I have a hand to hold as I slid down the hallway walls to make it to the bathroom, or someone there as I screamed in pain trying to stand up to get something to drink.

May 19th 2009 I begged Joe to take me back to the hospital, I couldnt handle it anymore, I couldnt move, I hadnt drank or ate for over a week and I was nearly unable to speak.  He brought me to the er and soon left.  I was hospitalized, monitored closely, they worried about my condition because I was in such pain and and so severely dehydrated.  Again, alone.  I would wake up now and again and the nurses would try to get me to walk and realized my condition was terrible so they would just put me back to sleep with heavy doses of pain medications and kept the fluids going through for the next few days trying to get my brain to start working the way it should.  No visitors.  Once I woke up and the nurse asked, "Is there anyone I can call to come sit with you to spend time with you?"  My response was no.  I could see she was sad for me, but I knew it was the norm.

May 23rd 2009 I was released from the hosptial, Joe brought me home and went to work.  I sat up all night thinking, am I doing to make it.  I was miserable, depressed, and thought every hour how easy it would be to take all my pain meds and end it all.  A peaceful way to go, no heartbreak, no pain... just seemed simple.

May 28th 2009 - Joe and my 4 year aniversary.  He told me I had a month to leave or he was.  I told him Happy anniversary.

May 31st 2009 After still not drinking or able to eat anything I was hospitalized again with the same situation.  I got a phone call from my Mother saying, "Your there again?"  When we hung up I cried thinking for the first time in years, I needed my mom there, but I was too far away.

June 3rd 2009 They gave me better pain meds and I no longer felt like I was ripping from my insides, I was able to walk and was able to hold down little amounts of water and jello so they sent me home.  I waited for an hour for Joe to get me.  He over slept I guess.  So I bought some bread and fed the birds right outside the hospital sitting in my wheel chair with tears rolling down my face wishing I was a bird.  I am guessing this was from the pain meds, but I think there is true feeling in it.  Being a bird gives you such freedom to fly as far away as you can from something if you are that unhappy.

June 4th 2009 - ER Visit for fluids because I was severely dehydrated and needed electrolytes

June 5th 2009 I found out Joe had been speaking to another female for the past few months and it was more serious than I had originally thought.  It was kind of a weight lifted off my shoulders.  I broke down realizing I wasnt healed, I didnt have the strength to move, I wasnt sure what to do.

June 10th 2009 - 3rd ER visit for fluids

June 26th 2009 - 4th ER Visit for fluids, still debating if he was moving out or if I was, I decided to call my grandmother, and I was offered to stay with her in Wilmington NC.

July 2nd, 2009 said good bye to Joe and got on a bus, headed to NC.

July 11th 2009 - experiencing pain in my stomach, unable to eat, began even throwing up fluids. Slowly getting worse. 

July 21st 2009 - ER visit,  to find out what was going on and the er doctor told me I was dehyrdated, they gave me one bag of fluids and sent me on my way.  I could barely walk I was so dehyrdated and tired from the lack of protein.

July 25th 2009 - Back to the er, I begged them to look more into it.  For the past week I would sit up all night throwing up even spit.  Anything that went into my stomach I would spit up.  It got to the point I was throwing up Bile from my intestines. and nothing, they sent me home.

July 29th 2009 was hospitalized - I went to the er and refused to leave.  My mother yelled at the doctor and I said I would not leave until they figure it out.  They hospitalized me for 3 days because after going into my stomach during a procedure they realised my small stomach closed up on itself.  By the time I left I was feeling better and able to drink more and eat more.  I felt much better and was excited to be on a mend.

August 3rd 2009 - I fell after taking a single step down, I realized my legs were getting weaker and I was almost unable to hold up my weight.  I was down to 264 but my legs kept trying to give out.  I thought maybe it was nothing and just started being more careful.

August 5th, 2009 - I took a bath thinking it would help, but at the end of the bath I was unable to get up from the bottom of the tub.  It took me twenty minutes of pulling with my arms to get onto the side of the tub.  Once I was there I turned and tried to stand up and my legs were even more weak.  Walking to my bedroom I fell into the wall and slowly walked over to the bed.  I spent the day in bed thinking maybe I was tired.

August 8th, 2009 - I went out with my sister and fell at a local store and the ambulance was called because I couldnt feel my legs.  I was hospitalized for two days while they monitored and tried to figure out what happened.  They informed me that because of the time I spent not eating or drinking a few weeks ago and the hospital not taking me in I lost all the muscle in my legs and abdomen.  They set me up with Physical Therapy and sent me home with a walker and a shower seat.

August 11th, 2009 they sent me home and I used my walker to go to the bathroom, where I fell trying to leave the bathroom.  My walker was not sturdy enough and no one was home for me, so I drug myself into the hallway and into the bedroom, crying while trying to pull myself up onto the bed.  I fell again, again landing on my knees, so I sat on the floor for what seemed like for ever crying and debating if it was all worth it.  In time, I took a deep breath, and remembed the wooden trunk at the end of the bed, so I slid down to it and pulled myself up on it and flung myself on the bed.

August 14th 2009, I fell and broke my toe walking to the living room...  Mental note - Must use walker at all times, and Grandma can not help me off the floor.


For the next month I started my physical therapy and started being able to move more, with my walker I was capable of getting around the house.  I began finally to think maybe I will get better.

August 30th I posted an ad on craigslist, more as a joke, asking if there were any men in NC that were normal and not creepy.  Someone responded.  At 130 in the morning we texted for hours and I realized he was what seemed like a really nice guy, so I thought I better keep him distant, what would he think about a girl who has to use a walker to go pee.

August 31st through Sept 11th, we talked every day, and I learned that his name was Beau and it wasnt said like Beau-ick or Beau-tiful, but said like Bo.  During these nearly two weeks of talking daily for hours, I felt like I knew him well, not to mention my legs were much better and I was getting around without my walker so I thought I better meet himb before I fall in love with texts and a voice over the phone and really mess things up.

Sept 11th he came over and we met for the first time.  We got PLASTERED!  I loved his personality, he was funny and handsome, honest and sweet.  I thought there is no way he could possibly like me, but he kept saying he did so I obviously thought he was looking for more of a one night stand.  I didnt feel worth more than that I guess. 

Sept and october he had to stay in a hotel because he had to work over an hour away from Wilmington.  So every weekend he came to see me, and a couple weekend I went to see him, and if we werent with each other we would text or call one another.  I fell for him fast but tried to hide it from him not wanting to scare him off. 

November 2009 - He was finally home and we spent just about every night together.  When I was away I didnt want to be, and when I was with him, I didnt want it to end... and I finally told him I loved him and I meant it.  I FINALLY MEANT IT!  I finally knew what I was missing.  I finally knew what real love was.  I felt more comfortable with myself enough to know I wanted to be with him because I wanted to and not because I felt like that the best I could do or that all I deserved. I realized how great it felt to hear someone say I love you and know they mean it... from the bottom of their heart.

December 2009 I moved in with him.  As scared as I was that it would mess things up, it didnt.  I realized I had to take that leap of faith and I am glad we did.  We see each others downfalls and all the great things about each other.  How much we have in common and how well we fit together like a puzzle.  I have been missing my puzzle peice for the last 26 years and I finally found it.  What an amazing feeling.

As of today - Christmas Eve - Dec 24th 2009, I weigh in at 221 - In 12 months I have lost 179 pounds, 133 pounds in 7 months since surgery, and I have lost that feeling of hating myself.  I have gained a new lease on life, I have gain a new definition of love, and I have gained wonderful thoughts of the future.

The need for Happiness, the Want for happiness, the struggles and pain for happiness is truly the key to Happiness.  You have to fight for what you want, a true struggle, in time - Youll get what you have been wanting, whether or not you know what that is - the Big man up stairs has a plan.

So there you have it, my 2009 in a nut shell.  Here's to 2010!!  Whats to come next year?  I can ONLY IMAGINE!!!  But I know I am ready.