Broken Silence? And a Royal Flush!

"Cynicism... it doesn't lead anywhere.  Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.  But if you work really hard and your kind, Amazing things will happen."  -  Conan O'brien, Jan 22, 2010

Last night I realized after a tearful out pouring of experiences, I released a lot of pain that has built up inside my heart for many years.  I did not want to let these experiences go because I felt I must have done something that was so painful or so hurtful to someone else, maybe in a past life, that I deserved all the pain I had in my heart. 

Conan said it best when he mentioned that "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get."  I did not come into life expecting the bullshit experiences I was served.  The cards I was dealt, was not a hand I could throw away and I did not even have a high card.  Many people in this life are dealt royal flushes.  Whether or not they want to admit it, they have experienced life to the fullest with no effort spared.

Some of us are dealt shit.  Even worse, some of us think we have a pretty good hand, and all of a sudden with no warning, the rules change and you would have thought we were playing Razz - Your "Great hand" is now the worse hand in the game. 

What do we do?  Do we dwell on the shit we got dealt?  Do we hold that hand for years trying to make it work, only to fail?  Or do we throw our hand in the air, let the cards hit the poker table and walk away from the game?

You know for the last 8 months my life has been turned upside-down.  I have realized through it all I am still holding onto a poker hand that, well - It has drained all my money, and as much as I try, this hand is shit.

I have decided to throw in the cards.  Fuck this game.  The dealer is yanking my chain, and the other players have used me to their advantage.  If I want the good in my life to work, I need to find a new table.  I will deal my own damn cards - I will take the lead and be the dealer. 

If I work hard and be kind, amazing things will happen. - Thank you Conan O'Brien, you said it best...  I will not be like those in my life, I fear I will be like.  I will be Jessica Lee - Born, without choice, into this world on April 26th 1983, but from here on out the game will be on my terms, my rules.  I am happy and I will NOT let my past hand, mess up my Royal Flush!