Dear Diary 5.5.10

Dear Diary,

Its One of those nights I am thinking...  My mind is like a wild fire... it is burning through thoughts and moving on only to brun through more - hard to control and unmanage-able.  I am workiong through a lot though - spending so much time alone makes you really get your mind together - so I thought.  I guess I am technically doing this but it seems to me that life will never be simple, and things will always happen and the control I like to have is not something I can have...

Have you ever thought about running away?  Sometimes I think to myself, what I would give to run away and just start fresh...  New Name?  New Address?  New self?  The question I have is - Could I take someone with me?

Sometimes I look at the sky and ask God Why?  Why does he do what he does?  Can't there be a little explaination?  Not because of the bad but maybe all of it... Why does he make things happen the way he does?  Why does he line things up for us the way he does?  I have always said everything happens for a reason... but why?

I have to be honest here... I said to myself after leaving Joe that I needed space, I needed me time.  Then I found Beau - Didnt want to move in with him simply because I knew in my heart that I needed "Me Time." 

Then this happens... we have just enough time to know what we feel for one another- and then an opportunity comes up where he has to leave me... seperated by distance and time.  It is almost like God knew this would happen and he seperated us with all the distance and time for me to Grow...

My heart is SCREAMING No!  But my mind kept saying, Yes - Jessica you need this time to see what he means to you, you need this time to see how much YOU mean to YOU.

Right now I am sitting here in a wooden kitchen chair with my feet up on another with a pop up table next to me, with no furniture in this place... staring at a computer screen thinking, which brings this blog to you.  Is this Blog meant to make sense to you?  Probably not - it is more of a type what I think Blog...

So - What am I thinking?

I think I know what I want from my life... and I am wondering how do I get from point A to point B.

What do I want from my life?  Satisfaction.  Happiness yes - this is key, but I am thinking there is something Bigger than Happiness - Satisfaction.  It is what brings you to the point of Happiness.

Here is to focusing on ME and my satisfaction from life!!!