Dear Diary,
Every day is a new day - regardless if we want it or not. What if we didnt want tomorrow to end? What if we wanted to go back to yesterday or a month ago for just a moment - I guess thats what memories are for. So - Today is it, its time to find myself again. Its weird how having someone leave your side that you have strong feelings for - makes your mind go crazy and makes you physically sick. Well - As today was brought on regardless of if I wanted to stay in yesterday - Tomorrow will do the same and I will find myself getting used to being alone again... everything takes time - everything happens weither or not we want it go...
So - May 12th was my One Year Post Op from Gastric Bypass - I have lost a considerable amount - not only weight but many more things as well... Let me see:
I have lost an abusive relationship
I have lost most of the ties that my low self esteem strapped to my feet
I have lost some painful memories that this weight showed
I have lost a life that once comforted my every move...
I have gained - a New self Image.
I have gained - a New want from life.
I have gained - a New Life...
Its amazing how 200 pounds of fat can swallow you whole... It makes you see/feel/hear/be someone you are not... It made me feel like life wasnt worth living - I went from someone who didnt want to wake up in the morning to someone that is excited to see what day "In the life of Jessica Burbank" has to offer... No matter what - good or bad, it is worth experiencing... simply because.
So - I am learning to be okay by myself, this is something I have always struggled with and it is painful for me.... but it is something that I need to learn to do because the entire time I was bigger I thought to myself I need someone, I never thought I could make it alone - Now is my chance to feel - Now is my time to see that I can wake up alone, go to sleep alone, walk out the door - alone. And I will survive... Just is taking a little longer than I thought for me to see that. Its hard though, knowing I am in love with someone who is 10 hours away, but it is easier knowing he loves me too.
Anyways, I am done with the book - 545am comes early, and I need to work so - Goodnight world!
Jessica
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