Dear Diary,
What do you do when you feel like your head is going to explode with everything running through your mind... What do you do when You feel like not one person would understand... What do you do when you feel like you just want to run away from everything but then you know you cant do that because there are somethings in your life that make you happy.... What do you do when you feel blocked... stuck...
WHat do you do when your life is going in a positive direction so you think, but what if it isnt what you know for sure?
What do you do when your so confused you want to crawl in the closet and just lay there - and when you try that it doesnt help... now what?
WHat do you do when nothing is wrong but you feel like everything is?
The name of my blog is happiness is key - so where is my key? I feel like there is nothing to say... I know I want to shout from the roof tops that I am happy but my heart is broken... like the song says - Its impossible.
What to say? Where to go? I feel like my heart is broken but there is no reason for it. Distance makes the heart grown fonder right? But I think the fear of "its getting easier" makes me wonder if my choices are right...
You know people ask me why do I have such a hard time making decisions - well - the first real decision I ever made was when I was 11 I opted to live with my mother and it developed into one of the worst decisions of my life... and now I feel like I live my life in a lie, trying to make up for my wrong. I struggle with making decisions because it seems like everyone I make is not the right one.
I wish I had an answer to the truth. I wish I knew what made me happy... being alone has given me time to think maybe I should have stopped myself from loving another until I truly loved myself. The question is when will that be? WIll I spend a live time of saddness and anger so deep inside myself? People tell me I should get over it, I tell me I should get over it, but it is not something that is easy to come by.
I am so confused and lost, and stuck, and in pain.... I need to work out my kinks... But there is so many I feel like my life is full or knots I know will never losen, but what if they are strangling my heart?
there is something wrong with someone taking one pill hoping they will fall asleep... and taking another when it doesnt work, laying there and taking another until they passout...
People ask me if I am happy and I lie and say Yes... because a life time of "putting on that smile" seems so easy for those around me... when it just adds another knot to my tangle of webs.
I am going to lay down in hopes that last pill will let me go to sleep.
Goodnight world.
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