Diary Entry 2.10.10

Dear Diary,

So today was pretty uneventful.  I wasn't even going to write in my diary tonight, but after a brief conversation with a friend of mine, whom recently re-entered my life, I thought maybe I should.  Having a lot running through my brain and getting it out whether through typing or through writing always seems to help me.

We were talking about her mother, and the simularities between mine and hers.  Its kind of funny actually.  Have you ever thought to yourself, 'Is there someone out there just like me?'  'Dealing with the same bullshit I do on a dialy basis?' And you question... 'How the hell are they doing it, are they making it as well as I?' 

Its funny, but I believe maybe I asked God too many times these questions, so much so, he put her in my life to show me, I am not the only one.  Every boyfriend, every problem, every family member... It seems we are one in the same, but in two different bodies.  Maybe that is why I feel a connection to her, as if she was my sister.  We fight, dont talk for months, and then all of a sudden, I feel like that void in my life has returned, when she does. 

I know to most people if her and I were to sit down and say all the nasty things we have done to one another, all the hurtful things we have said... they would say - "Why the hell are they still friends??"  Well - I cant answer that.  But I can say I am thankful for it. 

She is someone I know if I say something I shouldnt, she will understand.  If I say something ignorant, she will not put me down, if I do something, like stay in an abusive relationship and push her away when she tries to help...she will be there when I break down.  She is a good friend... Better yet, she is my best friend.

So with all that being said I can say this, there is someone out there - Just like you.  Going through the same pain as you... going through the same happiness as you.  If you question God long enough, maybe he will see you need proof face to face - as he has given me.

On to another topic.

I don't really know if I can call myself a certain religion... But I heard something the other day that puts all my beliefs into perspective.  The person said, "I believe in all paths to God."  This is something I whole heartedly believe in.  Do I go to church?  No.  Do I say "Jesus" without talking to him? Yes.  Do I swear?  Yes.  Do I curse my mother and my father? Yes.   Do I do things intensionally to piss people off?  Sometimes.  Do I know everything in the bible?  No.  Have I read the bible?  No.  Have I researched the bible? Yes.  Do I believe in the words of the bible?  Not all of them.  Do I believe the bible was written to keep society on a certain path?  Absolutely.  Do I think the bible was completely written by the hand of God?  Not really. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes I feel like a Hypocrite.  Something that I do not often speak about, because when I do, I know it is hard for people to believe.  I remember Heaven.  I remember having dreams of this place when I was a child, I have yet to have one since.  I often forget about this experience until I find myself praying to God with my eyes closed and being back in this place.  Oh... How to describe Heaven...

I would like to believe I have an old soul, but when I was in heaven I was merely into my teens.  I was being cared for by a older woman that appeared to be in her late forties.  She had olive colored skin, beautiful peircing blue eyes, she had dark brown hair, and she wore a flowing dark blue dress, it was so beautiful, she was what I consider to be my gaurdian angel.  When she came to get me, I was sitting at the stairs to Gods thrown, I remember talking to him while sitting there, as if he was holding me in his arms, comforting me.   When my Gaurdian came to get me she asked me to come with her to get cleaned up.  So we walked through the temple, it was white, a white you will not see here on earth, So elegant.  It was all open, there were huge arches holding up the round top, where you could see right out into the fields all around,  The grass was a green you, as well, could not find here on earth.  These colors are so vibrant, they are so breath taking, so peaceful.  She brought me over to a little personal fountain... there were many of these all around, and other Gaurdians as well with children around my age.  She asked me to put my hands into the holy water, where I knew why... I didnt even have to ask, I knew it was to cleanse my soul, to start fresh... as if I had been on earth before, and I was cleansing myself of the past life, to start a new.  I do recall asking her, "Will it hurt?"  She smiles.  I would ask, "Will it hurt to return to earth?"  She would respond with, "No baby, its going to be wonderful." 

Honestly, after hearing her say that, I recall sticking my hands into the water and thats it.  I do not know what happened immediately after that, but I know I am here now.  The last time I saw this place was after my grandfather past.  I was sitting at my computer desk in New Hampshire, and I remember crying over his photo asking God why.  I believe while sitting at my desk, I must have fallen asleep because I remember Being back at the temple, walking down the stairs that surrounded it, down onto the grass...  Looking out I could see a flowing river and a beautiful willow tree about a quarter mile forward... as I walked towards this willow tree I recall seeing him sitting there at the foot of this beautiful tree moving ever so slightly with the wind.  It was Grandpa.  He had a wooden fishing pole, nothing too fancy, it was about 5 feet long and curved slightly at the end with a thin string tied to it - going down into the water.  The pole end was buried in the dirt, and Grandpa?  Well he was just as I remembered him, but cleaned up and laid back against the trunk of the tree.  His hands were tucked behind his neck, and he looked so relaxed.  I asked, "Grandpa?"  And before I could continue, he smiled.  He said, "I am ok, I am happy here.  I am the lucky one."  I remember wanting to cry, but he just said, "I'm okay baby, its time for you to go back now.  Don't worry, I will be here waiting"  And that was it.

When I woke from what seemed to be a slumber on my computer desk, a few tears fell from my eyes, I knew he was okay.  I knew he was in Heaven, the same place I remember.  I know he will be there when I return, along with all the others in my life who are the lucky ones.

So do I believe in Heaven? Yes.  Do I believe that I have a relationship with God like no other? Absolutely.  Heaven is waiting for me, where I will spend eternity with the ones I hold close to my heart.

So... This brings me to my next topic of the night...

I learned once when I was in Sunday school as a child that if you are not doing well... and life seems to be giving you a hard time, then you are probably not on the path God wants you on.  If you are failing, and things are not working out as you would want them to, Your on the wrong path.

This is something that has always been in the back of my mind, but never seemed to make sense to me because every road I turned down, every focus I had - Failed.  Every path was difficult, nothing seemed to work out for me.  Until Now.

Before having Gastric Bypass last year I couldnt catch a break.  I was miserable.  IF I would have taken into thought that it was all the wrong path maybe I would have changed it.  But after having Gastric Bypass, and turning my life COMPLETELY around - things seem to be coming into perspective.  Life seems just a bit easier... and everything I have ever wanted seems to be working into a wonderful path.  After moving down here to North Carolina, I thought I would be alone forever, never lose the weight I wanted, and never have what I really wanted - what I didnt realize was, I was foot by foot, making the path God wanted for me.  I started losing more weight, I started realizing, I could be alone and happy.  I became my own person again.  Then I met the man of my dreams, the one I have always dreamt of but could never find, and he was okay with me - being me.  I have a job lined up and am actually really starting to think about who I am and where I want to be.  No one is forcing their ways on me - I am making my own life.  It is wonderful. 

Well, I am starting to fall asleep, and have written a book here.  But all in all - I want to say this again...

If your life is not going easily as it should be, if your life seems miserable and depressing.  If you are not Happy... then you are probably not on the path God designed for you.  Its easier to walk with him, and ask him for guidance then to go against him.  I feel as though I am finally walking with him... As the foot prints poem states, if you see one set he is carrying you - I think there are two now.  I think there are two sets, I am strong enough to walk, but happy to have him by my side.

Goodnight world.