"Cynicism... it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and your kind, Amazing things will happen." - Conan O'brien, Jan 22, 2010
Last night I realized after a tearful out pouring of experiences, I released a lot of pain that has built up inside my heart for many years. I did not want to let these experiences go because I felt I must have done something that was so painful or so hurtful to someone else, maybe in a past life, that I deserved all the pain I had in my heart.
Conan said it best when he mentioned that "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get." I did not come into life expecting the bullshit experiences I was served. The cards I was dealt, was not a hand I could throw away and I did not even have a high card. Many people in this life are dealt royal flushes. Whether or not they want to admit it, they have experienced life to the fullest with no effort spared.
Some of us are dealt shit. Even worse, some of us think we have a pretty good hand, and all of a sudden with no warning, the rules change and you would have thought we were playing Razz - Your "Great hand" is now the worse hand in the game.
What do we do? Do we dwell on the shit we got dealt? Do we hold that hand for years trying to make it work, only to fail? Or do we throw our hand in the air, let the cards hit the poker table and walk away from the game?
You know for the last 8 months my life has been turned upside-down. I have realized through it all I am still holding onto a poker hand that, well - It has drained all my money, and as much as I try, this hand is shit.
I have decided to throw in the cards. Fuck this game. The dealer is yanking my chain, and the other players have used me to their advantage. If I want the good in my life to work, I need to find a new table. I will deal my own damn cards - I will take the lead and be the dealer.
If I work hard and be kind, amazing things will happen. - Thank you Conan O'Brien, you said it best... I will not be like those in my life, I fear I will be like. I will be Jessica Lee - Born, without choice, into this world on April 26th 1983, but from here on out the game will be on my terms, my rules. I am happy and I will NOT let my past hand, mess up my Royal Flush!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Definition of love?? Hmmm....
You know today we were out in the garage, Beau and I, I sat in a chair watching him work on his vehicle and I just kept thinking to myself, I want this. I want this. I want to sit in "Our" garage feeling the cool breeze while he does what he enjoys and I do the same by checking on dinner, picking up, and inbetween just sitting there watching... listening to him talk about cars, while thinking I wish I knew what he was talking about.
I used to not have a clue about what I wanted, but everyday it seems to get clearer, and clearer. While listening to him chatter on about headlights in the back of my mind I could hear the pitter patter of childrens feet in the background. The undeniable joy and innocence in a childs laughter... Its so weird to hear/think things such as these when I have always believed I would never find the right person, I would only settle and in that - children are not something I wanted. The thought of bringing a child into a love-less home did not suit me very well. But I am guessing the reason for these "left field" thoughts about children are from being in love with the person I am with.
Right now, I am sitting here on the couch thinking, how can I finish this blog so I can go lay in his arms. I guess I will end it with this -
If you can not honestly say you are not in love with the one you are with, maybe it isnt right. I spent years of my life in a love-less home... if not all of my life. I feel as though I have never in my 26 years of existance, never have I seen a truly loving relationship between two people, until just under 5 months ago when it was provided to me, when I least expected it.
I have a new definition of love.
Love - The uncontrollable feeling in the pit of your stomach when your with another human being. A feeling of sheer Happiness. A feeling of completion. A feeling of falling in a hole and you know there is no bottom... its scary but you know you are safe. You will never hit the bottom so what is there to fear. Love is more than the feeling you get when you are served your favorite meal. Love is more than the feeling you get when you win the lottery. Love is Amazing. Love has no boundaries, has no control, and lastly - it makes you feel at peace.
Goodnight world.
Jessica
I used to not have a clue about what I wanted, but everyday it seems to get clearer, and clearer. While listening to him chatter on about headlights in the back of my mind I could hear the pitter patter of childrens feet in the background. The undeniable joy and innocence in a childs laughter... Its so weird to hear/think things such as these when I have always believed I would never find the right person, I would only settle and in that - children are not something I wanted. The thought of bringing a child into a love-less home did not suit me very well. But I am guessing the reason for these "left field" thoughts about children are from being in love with the person I am with.
Right now, I am sitting here on the couch thinking, how can I finish this blog so I can go lay in his arms. I guess I will end it with this -
If you can not honestly say you are not in love with the one you are with, maybe it isnt right. I spent years of my life in a love-less home... if not all of my life. I feel as though I have never in my 26 years of existance, never have I seen a truly loving relationship between two people, until just under 5 months ago when it was provided to me, when I least expected it.
I have a new definition of love.
Love - The uncontrollable feeling in the pit of your stomach when your with another human being. A feeling of sheer Happiness. A feeling of completion. A feeling of falling in a hole and you know there is no bottom... its scary but you know you are safe. You will never hit the bottom so what is there to fear. Love is more than the feeling you get when you are served your favorite meal. Love is more than the feeling you get when you win the lottery. Love is Amazing. Love has no boundaries, has no control, and lastly - it makes you feel at peace.
Goodnight world.
Jessica
Saturday, January 9, 2010
10 Things a Good Boyfriend wouldn't ask you to do...?
So I opened Yahoo.com and there was a huge things for 10 things a 'Good Boyfriend' wont ask you to do... and I read through the list thinking this:
#1. His laundry
Pairing your socks isn't exactly our idea of a stay-at-home date, nor does living with you make us a 1950s housewife. A good compromise is for one partner to sort and start the laundry and the other to fold and put it away. Plus, studies show that helping around the house can increase intimacy. So, how 'bout that pile of dishes? If you clean up the sink while we tackle the living room, we'll be more likely to cuddle.
My Rebuttal: Actually right this second I am waiting for the dryer to ding because I am de-wrinkling his shirts. Just because I like to do my man's laundry does not make me a 1950's housewife. Now... A 'Good Boyfriend' will do things without hesitation. A 'Good Girlfriend' would do the same. Also - As long as he picks up after himself, I keep the rest clean... and our 'intimacy' well - lets just say there is no way to increase it, thank you.
#2. Buy gifts and cards for other people on his behalf
We'll help when we're out with you, but no, we won't make a pit stop at Hallmark and Laura Ashley while we're shopping with the girls. Just because we're women doesn't mean we're automatically adept at figuring out your Aunt Martha's dress size.
My Rebuttal: Thats Crap. Men are not naturally emotional creatures. They do not think about Aunt Martha's Birthday coming up, or even how old she will be turning. Men have basic instincts to provide for themselves and their families. Although they love 'Aunt Martha' just the same, a card is not at the top of their lists. But as women we know they care about family and we know mailing out a card or a gift letting 'Aunt Martha' know he was thinking about her - connects the dots that most men don't think about.
#3. Plan an entire vacation without his help
When we ask you whether you'd rather spend our anniversary in Cabo or Vermont, we want you to express an actual preference, not to say, "Whatever, I'm happy with what makes you happy." The same goes for the hotel, the airline, and the restaurant reservations. Letting us take the reins isn't considerate, it's just lazy and boring. Instead, make sure to divvy up the planning. We pick the location and hotel, you plan the activities.
My Rebuttal: Okay, I'd like to start of by saying, the woman that wrote this - Obviously has a gay man as a boyfriend. I am sorry. Men do not pay attention to detail. As I stated earlier men have basic instincts and thats it. Mosgt don't give a shit where they go - Mostly because they know the most important thing - THEY ARENT AT WORK! Anything is better than the same ol same ol. They also know they dont want to get on your bad side for not setting up the 'activities' how you want them. Women naturally lead on crap like this, just because a man doesnt plan out his whole vacation does not make him lazy or boring... Secondly - If you plan the hotel and the location, he will simply say okay, relax at the hotel, or the beach maybe do some sight seeing. Men don't need detail to survive - Women do.
#4. Make him a sandwich
The refrigerator is 10 feet away and your game control has a pause button, so get up, stretch, and slap that ham and lettuce together by yourself. We don't care if you're "in the zone," because apparently, you were out of it long enough to articulate your immediate need for a nibble. Maybe we'll consider it if you agree to break from the game for 20 minutes, put on some coffee, and enjoy your afternoon snack with us.
My Rebuttal: First off - If you are a housewife, making him a sandwich should be just something you do - Taking care of your husband, your children and your home - Thats a housewifes Job. A Husband to a housewifes - His job is to provide for his family - Shelter, food, clothing, and also to provide her time to do her thing and have her breaks as well. If you are Not a housewife - then it would depend on what your doing - Your in the kitchen? Making him a sandwich. If your relaxing on the couch as well, ask him to pause it and you can both go in the kitchen to make one. If your off doing your own thing and he has guys over - wouldnt you want to make it for them so you dont end up with a mess in your kitchen?
In any event - if he was in the kitchen and you were watching TV and you asked him to make you something... if you respond to the above statement with a 'he would tell me to get it' then your with a bad boyfriend - Dont make him a sandwich. If your answer is 'Yes he'd make me a sandwich' then Yes, make the man a damn sandwich!
#5. Change your relationship status on Facebook
We believe our life outside of the Internet should speak for itself. On the off-chance that we break up, wouldn't you rather tell your close friends in person, rather than have that ever-present broken heart appear on 500 people's newsfeeds? Well, we would, so don't even ask us to include our relationship status on Facebook in the first place.
My Rebuttal: Sooooo... Are you saying it is okay he can leave his facebook stating he is single with all his single 'girl' friends on their? Thats gay. My Bf changed his and stated I was his girl before I even thought about it... Now that my friends - Is a good boyfriend.
#6. Be his wake-up call
Really, buy an alarm clock. Remembering a man's nap and wakeup schedule should be an occasional favor, not an everyday obligation.
My Rebuttal: Are you kidding? Your taking this shit too far. Listen, if my man was away and he asked me to give him a wake up call to get up for work, I would love too. Knowing that he wants to hear my voice first thing when he wakes up, makes me smile - Even if thats not why he requested it. And I know I wouldn't mind hearing his every morning. So - Him asking you to call and wake him up - Does not make him a bad boyfriend.
#7. Hang out with his ex
Some women like befriending the ex, and others just want to satisfy their curiosity about her, but don't pressure the ones who would rather keep a distance.
My Rebuttal: Well I dont have one for this one. This one I actually agree with. I couldn't hang out with my man and his 'ex' there is a reason they are 'exes' in the first place. Not that I would have any reason to worry or be jealous about... Thats why he is my man and not hers. =-0
#8. Keep up with his favorite shows
How would you like it if we made you religiously watch Desperate Housewives? Instead, let's pick a show we both like and make sure we follow it together.
My Rebuttal: Well, why cant you both have your own shows? I know my BF asked me to watch a show and I fell in love with it, so maybe you should give it a try before jumping down his throat. And maybe each having your 'show time' gives you space... no reason to think that would make him a bad BF.
#9. Lose weight
We'll tone up for health purposes and for ourselves, but if you're really concerned about the 5 lbs we gained over the holidays, don't flat-out complain that we're getting flabby. Instead, invite us to go biking with you or to take a yoga class together. Treat exercise as a fun activity we can do together instead of something that we should do just for you.
My Rebuttal: Okay, mixed feelings on this one. No one wants to hear they need to lose weight. But if your man tells you, okay, that flabbiness coming out is unattractive, would you rather he tell you about it or cheat on you after a few years of falling out of love with you. Men are visual beings, don't shoot them for it... it is how they are. IE - Women can read 'Love' Novels and get themselves off; but men can not. Men need to see whats going on, hear it, feel it. Also - It goes both ways, a couple needs to talk about things like that, I mean - if you love one another, you want to keep each other around for years to come... right?
#10. Keep our hair long
Trust us, short hair is cute, fun, and just as feminine as back-length hair. Just look at Halle Berry, Audrey Tautou and Keira Knightley, circa 2005. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Rihanna's hairstyles, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive..
My Rebuttal: Okay, I personally think Halle Berry looks like a man with no hair. I dont know, my BF did ask me to keep mine long, but I cut it a little anyways. Just because a man asks something of you doesnt mean you have to follow it and it certainly doesnt make him a bad BF. Maybe he is turned on by long hair. Naturally we would all have long hair maybe it is human nature to be turned on by long sexy hair on women.
In any event, I think this list is crap. Just my opinion but I think stuff like this gets women thinking they have it bad, and they really don't.
Now here is a real list of '10 things a Good Boyfriend wouldn't ask you to do?'
1. Have a Three-some with his Ex Girlfriend.
Now thats just wrong on so many levels. I would certainly think to myself - he is a bad boyfriend.
2. After only a short time dating, he asks you to co-sign for him to get a brand new car.
Expecially if I am driving an older car... I'd wonder why he couldnt sign for it himself or have anyone from his past do so.
3. Ask if his Ex can move in.
Umm... Thats F-ed up.
4. Ask to borrow money.
Now in certain situations this would be okay, but you need to make sure your not dating a 'Mooch'
5. He asks you to wake him up every morning in a sexual manner.
Well, sometimes this is fun, but we are not sex machines... if you want one of those buy a 'Real doll' and do her when you wake up.
6. Asks you to marry him after a week of dating.
You will NEVER know someone completely in a year, nevermind in a week. Give it time. I wouldnt say he is a bad boyfriend for asking you in a week, but I would say he has some problems.
7. Asks you to leave the seat UP.
Umm, I am a firm believer in, I put the seat down to pee, then you put the f-ing thing up. Kinda works both ways huh?
8. Asks you to Cook, Clean, do his laundry, and his errans.
Now, I am the kinda girl that likes to do things for my man, but I am not so much a fan of waking up to a laundry list of shit to do for him.
9. He asks you to kiss his moms ass.
Hahaha. (Insert witty comment here) hahahaha... Umm no.
10. He asks you to be his baby's Mama.
Ha, That should be Number one... Thats messed up. Not to mention ghetto. If a man ever said to me, I want you to be my 'Baby's Mama' That would be the end of that road. Now after dating for a long time, marriage, and such, a man said to me 'I want you to be the mother of my Children.' - Thats a sexy way of saying it, kind of beautiful in a way.
Luckily, My Boyfriend has never said any of the top then I listed, So I am thinking he is a good boyfriend. Better yet I know he is an Amazing Boyfriend. As for the list above that, most of thats crap. I hope women do not read shit like that and think they have it bad, and lose something good because of it.
Make your own top then list of shitty things a man will ask you to do, if your man does them - Maybe he isn't right for you.
Good luck!
Jess
#1. His laundry
Pairing your socks isn't exactly our idea of a stay-at-home date, nor does living with you make us a 1950s housewife. A good compromise is for one partner to sort and start the laundry and the other to fold and put it away. Plus, studies show that helping around the house can increase intimacy. So, how 'bout that pile of dishes? If you clean up the sink while we tackle the living room, we'll be more likely to cuddle.
My Rebuttal: Actually right this second I am waiting for the dryer to ding because I am de-wrinkling his shirts. Just because I like to do my man's laundry does not make me a 1950's housewife. Now... A 'Good Boyfriend' will do things without hesitation. A 'Good Girlfriend' would do the same. Also - As long as he picks up after himself, I keep the rest clean... and our 'intimacy' well - lets just say there is no way to increase it, thank you.
#2. Buy gifts and cards for other people on his behalf
We'll help when we're out with you, but no, we won't make a pit stop at Hallmark and Laura Ashley while we're shopping with the girls. Just because we're women doesn't mean we're automatically adept at figuring out your Aunt Martha's dress size.
My Rebuttal: Thats Crap. Men are not naturally emotional creatures. They do not think about Aunt Martha's Birthday coming up, or even how old she will be turning. Men have basic instincts to provide for themselves and their families. Although they love 'Aunt Martha' just the same, a card is not at the top of their lists. But as women we know they care about family and we know mailing out a card or a gift letting 'Aunt Martha' know he was thinking about her - connects the dots that most men don't think about.
#3. Plan an entire vacation without his help
When we ask you whether you'd rather spend our anniversary in Cabo or Vermont, we want you to express an actual preference, not to say, "Whatever, I'm happy with what makes you happy." The same goes for the hotel, the airline, and the restaurant reservations. Letting us take the reins isn't considerate, it's just lazy and boring. Instead, make sure to divvy up the planning. We pick the location and hotel, you plan the activities.
My Rebuttal: Okay, I'd like to start of by saying, the woman that wrote this - Obviously has a gay man as a boyfriend. I am sorry. Men do not pay attention to detail. As I stated earlier men have basic instincts and thats it. Mosgt don't give a shit where they go - Mostly because they know the most important thing - THEY ARENT AT WORK! Anything is better than the same ol same ol. They also know they dont want to get on your bad side for not setting up the 'activities' how you want them. Women naturally lead on crap like this, just because a man doesnt plan out his whole vacation does not make him lazy or boring... Secondly - If you plan the hotel and the location, he will simply say okay, relax at the hotel, or the beach maybe do some sight seeing. Men don't need detail to survive - Women do.
#4. Make him a sandwich
The refrigerator is 10 feet away and your game control has a pause button, so get up, stretch, and slap that ham and lettuce together by yourself. We don't care if you're "in the zone," because apparently, you were out of it long enough to articulate your immediate need for a nibble. Maybe we'll consider it if you agree to break from the game for 20 minutes, put on some coffee, and enjoy your afternoon snack with us.
My Rebuttal: First off - If you are a housewife, making him a sandwich should be just something you do - Taking care of your husband, your children and your home - Thats a housewifes Job. A Husband to a housewifes - His job is to provide for his family - Shelter, food, clothing, and also to provide her time to do her thing and have her breaks as well. If you are Not a housewife - then it would depend on what your doing - Your in the kitchen? Making him a sandwich. If your relaxing on the couch as well, ask him to pause it and you can both go in the kitchen to make one. If your off doing your own thing and he has guys over - wouldnt you want to make it for them so you dont end up with a mess in your kitchen?
In any event - if he was in the kitchen and you were watching TV and you asked him to make you something... if you respond to the above statement with a 'he would tell me to get it' then your with a bad boyfriend - Dont make him a sandwich. If your answer is 'Yes he'd make me a sandwich' then Yes, make the man a damn sandwich!
#5. Change your relationship status on Facebook
We believe our life outside of the Internet should speak for itself. On the off-chance that we break up, wouldn't you rather tell your close friends in person, rather than have that ever-present broken heart appear on 500 people's newsfeeds? Well, we would, so don't even ask us to include our relationship status on Facebook in the first place.
My Rebuttal: Sooooo... Are you saying it is okay he can leave his facebook stating he is single with all his single 'girl' friends on their? Thats gay. My Bf changed his and stated I was his girl before I even thought about it... Now that my friends - Is a good boyfriend.
#6. Be his wake-up call
Really, buy an alarm clock. Remembering a man's nap and wakeup schedule should be an occasional favor, not an everyday obligation.
My Rebuttal: Are you kidding? Your taking this shit too far. Listen, if my man was away and he asked me to give him a wake up call to get up for work, I would love too. Knowing that he wants to hear my voice first thing when he wakes up, makes me smile - Even if thats not why he requested it. And I know I wouldn't mind hearing his every morning. So - Him asking you to call and wake him up - Does not make him a bad boyfriend.
#7. Hang out with his ex
Some women like befriending the ex, and others just want to satisfy their curiosity about her, but don't pressure the ones who would rather keep a distance.
My Rebuttal: Well I dont have one for this one. This one I actually agree with. I couldn't hang out with my man and his 'ex' there is a reason they are 'exes' in the first place. Not that I would have any reason to worry or be jealous about... Thats why he is my man and not hers. =-0
#8. Keep up with his favorite shows
How would you like it if we made you religiously watch Desperate Housewives? Instead, let's pick a show we both like and make sure we follow it together.
My Rebuttal: Well, why cant you both have your own shows? I know my BF asked me to watch a show and I fell in love with it, so maybe you should give it a try before jumping down his throat. And maybe each having your 'show time' gives you space... no reason to think that would make him a bad BF.
#9. Lose weight
We'll tone up for health purposes and for ourselves, but if you're really concerned about the 5 lbs we gained over the holidays, don't flat-out complain that we're getting flabby. Instead, invite us to go biking with you or to take a yoga class together. Treat exercise as a fun activity we can do together instead of something that we should do just for you.
My Rebuttal: Okay, mixed feelings on this one. No one wants to hear they need to lose weight. But if your man tells you, okay, that flabbiness coming out is unattractive, would you rather he tell you about it or cheat on you after a few years of falling out of love with you. Men are visual beings, don't shoot them for it... it is how they are. IE - Women can read 'Love' Novels and get themselves off; but men can not. Men need to see whats going on, hear it, feel it. Also - It goes both ways, a couple needs to talk about things like that, I mean - if you love one another, you want to keep each other around for years to come... right?
#10. Keep our hair long
Trust us, short hair is cute, fun, and just as feminine as back-length hair. Just look at Halle Berry, Audrey Tautou and Keira Knightley, circa 2005. It's not as if we're going to shave it off or sport one of Rihanna's hairstyles, but even if we did, we hope you'd find us just as attractive..
My Rebuttal: Okay, I personally think Halle Berry looks like a man with no hair. I dont know, my BF did ask me to keep mine long, but I cut it a little anyways. Just because a man asks something of you doesnt mean you have to follow it and it certainly doesnt make him a bad BF. Maybe he is turned on by long hair. Naturally we would all have long hair maybe it is human nature to be turned on by long sexy hair on women.
In any event, I think this list is crap. Just my opinion but I think stuff like this gets women thinking they have it bad, and they really don't.
Now here is a real list of '10 things a Good Boyfriend wouldn't ask you to do?'
1. Have a Three-some with his Ex Girlfriend.
Now thats just wrong on so many levels. I would certainly think to myself - he is a bad boyfriend.
2. After only a short time dating, he asks you to co-sign for him to get a brand new car.
Expecially if I am driving an older car... I'd wonder why he couldnt sign for it himself or have anyone from his past do so.
3. Ask if his Ex can move in.
Umm... Thats F-ed up.
4. Ask to borrow money.
Now in certain situations this would be okay, but you need to make sure your not dating a 'Mooch'
5. He asks you to wake him up every morning in a sexual manner.
Well, sometimes this is fun, but we are not sex machines... if you want one of those buy a 'Real doll' and do her when you wake up.
6. Asks you to marry him after a week of dating.
You will NEVER know someone completely in a year, nevermind in a week. Give it time. I wouldnt say he is a bad boyfriend for asking you in a week, but I would say he has some problems.
7. Asks you to leave the seat UP.
Umm, I am a firm believer in, I put the seat down to pee, then you put the f-ing thing up. Kinda works both ways huh?
8. Asks you to Cook, Clean, do his laundry, and his errans.
Now, I am the kinda girl that likes to do things for my man, but I am not so much a fan of waking up to a laundry list of shit to do for him.
9. He asks you to kiss his moms ass.
Hahaha. (Insert witty comment here) hahahaha... Umm no.
10. He asks you to be his baby's Mama.
Ha, That should be Number one... Thats messed up. Not to mention ghetto. If a man ever said to me, I want you to be my 'Baby's Mama' That would be the end of that road. Now after dating for a long time, marriage, and such, a man said to me 'I want you to be the mother of my Children.' - Thats a sexy way of saying it, kind of beautiful in a way.
Luckily, My Boyfriend has never said any of the top then I listed, So I am thinking he is a good boyfriend. Better yet I know he is an Amazing Boyfriend. As for the list above that, most of thats crap. I hope women do not read shit like that and think they have it bad, and lose something good because of it.
Make your own top then list of shitty things a man will ask you to do, if your man does them - Maybe he isn't right for you.
Good luck!
Jess
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
My Personal Goals for 2010...
Before December 31st of 2010, I will accomplish the following;
1. Start working out on a regular basis
2. Lose an additional 37 pounds Making my total weightloss: 220 pounds
3. Get a good paying Job with good Benefits
4. Have my Plastic Surgery in the works of happening.
5. Decide what I want to do for a career
6. Start Classes at a Cape Fear
7. Make a trip to New Hampshire for Beau to meet my family and friends
So far thats what I have got, but I will add to this as I go ....
1. Start working out on a regular basis
2. Lose an additional 37 pounds Making my total weightloss: 220 pounds
3. Get a good paying Job with good Benefits
4. Have my Plastic Surgery in the works of happening.
5. Decide what I want to do for a career
6. Start Classes at a Cape Fear
7. Make a trip to New Hampshire for Beau to meet my family and friends
So far thats what I have got, but I will add to this as I go ....
So strong, yet so weak, and so in love...
It's amazing where the last 8 months have lead me. I have - in 8 months - seen both the best and the worst in myself... it really is amazing. I wish I could take everyone in my life, and put them on a rollercoasted called "Jess's last 8 months" so they can understand the mental and physical parts of lossing 180 pounds.
Beyond that I wish I could express the amazing feeling I get when I am around Beau. The feeling of love, excitement, I am almost unable to control my heart wanting to scream. I get excited thinking about the future, this has never happened before. I used to not care and live for the moment because I did not expect to reach my next birthday. Now I pray for another 100 years, I could spend here on earth, in his arms.
I dont know. It is so weird going from being so lonely but wanting to be alone because you hate the one your with to being so in love you never want to leave his side...
I need to go to bed, Sleep deprived... but happy :-D
Beyond that I wish I could express the amazing feeling I get when I am around Beau. The feeling of love, excitement, I am almost unable to control my heart wanting to scream. I get excited thinking about the future, this has never happened before. I used to not care and live for the moment because I did not expect to reach my next birthday. Now I pray for another 100 years, I could spend here on earth, in his arms.
I dont know. It is so weird going from being so lonely but wanting to be alone because you hate the one your with to being so in love you never want to leave his side...
I need to go to bed, Sleep deprived... but happy :-D
Saturday, January 2, 2010
My name is Jessica and...
I hate walking barefoot on rocks,
I hate when it rains and I just did my make up,
I hate when shirts I buy don't come down long enough,
I hate not knowing when to stop arguing,
I hate being alone for a long period of time,
I hate not being loved,
I hate the fact I have to battle my weight and many others don't,
I hate that I am not a clean freak but try hard to be one,
I hate that I during serious conversations my mind won't slow down enough to make sense,
I hate that I try to make everyone else happy and forget whose most important-myself,
I hate when I spend all day in the kitchen and someone puts ketchup all over what I made,
I hate forgetting what I am doing in the middle of doing it,
I hate when people don't like me,
I hate...
I love the smell of Pine-sol,
I love cooking,
I love complex history,
I love my free-spirited personality,
I love good-hearted people,
I love all animals just scared of most,
I love how simple and complex nature is,
I love knowing how small I am compared to the universe,
I love walking barefoot in the sand,
I love when it storms while I fall asleep,
I love watching the ocean waves hitting the sand,
I love watching birds in mid flight,
I love being in love,
I love being complex yet simple to please,
I love being open minded,
I love being outspoken,
I love...
I need to be told I am loved even though I think I love them more,
I need to learn to love myself,
I need to know I am needed,
I need to learn its okay to need someone else too,
I need to be alone sometimes to collect my thoughts,
I need to learn to be self sufficient,
I need to learn to finish something I start,
I need to...
I want to travel the world,
I want to have a man feel like he can't live without me,
I want to know the day I say "I do" will be for real - true love at its finest,
I want to see tears in my husbands eyes when I hand him his first child,
I want to buy my first home with a big bathtub,
I want to wake up every morning happy to be alive,
I want to ...
Life doesn't have to be as complex as I make it sometimes,
Life can be all I want, need, love, and more if I make it,
The meaning of life, is to live it. There is no complex meaning to life, but to live it as positive and as full as we can.
The meaning of life is - finding happiness, because it is the only key to success. True success.
-Jessica
I hate when it rains and I just did my make up,
I hate when shirts I buy don't come down long enough,
I hate not knowing when to stop arguing,
I hate being alone for a long period of time,
I hate not being loved,
I hate the fact I have to battle my weight and many others don't,
I hate that I am not a clean freak but try hard to be one,
I hate that I during serious conversations my mind won't slow down enough to make sense,
I hate that I try to make everyone else happy and forget whose most important-myself,
I hate when I spend all day in the kitchen and someone puts ketchup all over what I made,
I hate forgetting what I am doing in the middle of doing it,
I hate when people don't like me,
I hate...
I love the smell of Pine-sol,
I love cooking,
I love complex history,
I love my free-spirited personality,
I love good-hearted people,
I love all animals just scared of most,
I love how simple and complex nature is,
I love knowing how small I am compared to the universe,
I love walking barefoot in the sand,
I love when it storms while I fall asleep,
I love watching the ocean waves hitting the sand,
I love watching birds in mid flight,
I love being in love,
I love being complex yet simple to please,
I love being open minded,
I love being outspoken,
I love...
I need to be told I am loved even though I think I love them more,
I need to learn to love myself,
I need to know I am needed,
I need to learn its okay to need someone else too,
I need to be alone sometimes to collect my thoughts,
I need to learn to be self sufficient,
I need to learn to finish something I start,
I need to...
I want to travel the world,
I want to have a man feel like he can't live without me,
I want to know the day I say "I do" will be for real - true love at its finest,
I want to see tears in my husbands eyes when I hand him his first child,
I want to buy my first home with a big bathtub,
I want to wake up every morning happy to be alive,
I want to ...
Life doesn't have to be as complex as I make it sometimes,
Life can be all I want, need, love, and more if I make it,
The meaning of life, is to live it. There is no complex meaning to life, but to live it as positive and as full as we can.
The meaning of life is - finding happiness, because it is the only key to success. True success.
-Jessica
A Picture says a Thousand Words...
They say a photo says a thousand words, but I believe this picture says a million. I remember the night the photo on the left was taken. That night we had just left Olive Garden, where I had the endless bowl of Creamy Garlic Chicken Alfredo and Breadsticks. We noticed the locals were playing baseball so we watched while eating our Dairy Queen, where I had a Large Banana Cream Pie Blizzard. When I was dropped off from hanging out with my friends I spent the next hour trying to throw up the ten pounds of pasta and blizzard I had eaten earlier. While sitting on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet I cried while asking God why he tortured me by keeping me here on this earth and asking him if I should go ahead and take my life in my own hands and end it. I spent the night in bed crying until I fell asleep, alone.
The photo on the right tells a different story. That photo was taken in North Carolina. Where I was woken up in the morning for a kiss from a man that warms my heart. I got dressed to run some errans and after getting dressed in jeans and a teeshirt I found in the closet, and threw my hair up... looked at myself in the mirror and said out-loud, "Thank you." No other words were needed, I think the big man upstairs heard my heart screaming with happiness.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
How can some people be so cruel hearted?
Called and found out my Ex of four years had my cat put down. Her name was Mishu, and she was ferral. So he gave her to the humane society and they put her down, I found out the day after. I made it so that she was able to trust humans, and she was put to death by the hand of them. It was to punish me. A part of my heart will never heal from her untimely death - she was a good kitty and will be missed terribly. Feb 4th 2006 to Dec 27th 2009. I hope he gets back what he deserves for putting down an innocent animal.
Monday, December 28, 2009
He Makes My Heart Melt...
I never in a million years thought the man of my dreams was real. I, also, never thought the man of my dreams would fall in love with me - for me. Boy was I wrong.
Since I was a young girl, I dreamt of the man I would marry. He was tall and handsome, he was kind hearted, we shared the same humor, his laugh was warming, he was a southern gentleman, and his soul was, for lack of better words, gentle. This man had a personality that could light up a room, people were drawn to him.
Best of all, this man loved me like no other. He thought about me as much as I did him. He loved me to lengths even I didn’t know. He loved me the same the if not more than the day he met me, on our fiftieth anniversary. He swept me off my feet every time he walked in the room. His perfect flaws, his unique thoughts, his characteristics like no other.
For years this man tormented me in my dreams, he was out there, and I wasn’t looking. He was out there and I wasn’t with him. He was out there and I was hiding from him. I always thought he would come for me on a white horse and save me from my doom. What I didn’t realize is, I had to save myself before he would come cross my path.
He crossed my path four months ago, when I least expected it. I knew the first day I met him that he was the one for me, but feared he didn’t feel the same way. His actions, his words, his reactions, his touch - everything I have yearned for my entire life. He crossed my path and our paths became one. Everyday I woke up thinking, he was still in my dreams only to find him kissing me before he leaves for work, or still sleeping right next to me. I cuddle up to his warmth and smile.
Everyone I meet speaks of how great this man is, and I just smile. I think to myself, I have known this man my whole life, he has been the one of my dreams, the one I have searched for. As women tell me how great he is, I smile… thinking I know… I am the luckiest woman alive that falls asleep in his arms pulling me tight to his body. I am the woman that he cares about most. The most amazing man in the world… is in love with - me.
Since I was a young girl, I dreamt of the man I would marry. He was tall and handsome, he was kind hearted, we shared the same humor, his laugh was warming, he was a southern gentleman, and his soul was, for lack of better words, gentle. This man had a personality that could light up a room, people were drawn to him.
Best of all, this man loved me like no other. He thought about me as much as I did him. He loved me to lengths even I didn’t know. He loved me the same the if not more than the day he met me, on our fiftieth anniversary. He swept me off my feet every time he walked in the room. His perfect flaws, his unique thoughts, his characteristics like no other.
For years this man tormented me in my dreams, he was out there, and I wasn’t looking. He was out there and I wasn’t with him. He was out there and I was hiding from him. I always thought he would come for me on a white horse and save me from my doom. What I didn’t realize is, I had to save myself before he would come cross my path.
He crossed my path four months ago, when I least expected it. I knew the first day I met him that he was the one for me, but feared he didn’t feel the same way. His actions, his words, his reactions, his touch - everything I have yearned for my entire life. He crossed my path and our paths became one. Everyday I woke up thinking, he was still in my dreams only to find him kissing me before he leaves for work, or still sleeping right next to me. I cuddle up to his warmth and smile.
Everyone I meet speaks of how great this man is, and I just smile. I think to myself, I have known this man my whole life, he has been the one of my dreams, the one I have searched for. As women tell me how great he is, I smile… thinking I know… I am the luckiest woman alive that falls asleep in his arms pulling me tight to his body. I am the woman that he cares about most. The most amazing man in the world… is in love with - me.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Age Vs Experiences - I am How old?
I often look back at my experiences and think to myself how is it possible to still only be 26 years old yet I am experienced as if I was turning 60. Life goes by fast - Yes, but experiences seem to go faster. Everyone that knows me, knows one thing is definite - I am an Open Book. I say what is on my mind, even though it may take me time to get the words out right but I am also open with my experiences, no matter how happy or how traumatic. In hopes that my experiences and triumphs will help others who are going down a path I have or know someone who has. I also speak out because advice from others is wonderful. It is great to see how others think, even if they don’t agree with me.
My experience going from a 400 pound person to a 220 pound person has been dramatic. A lot of things have happened both bad and good with the complications but the one thing they don’t really have a lot to tell people about before having this surgery is the mental aspect.
I mean really - How can you tell a 400 pound person what it would be like to be 220 pounds and more socially acceptable? How do you tell a 400 pound person what it would be like to no longer be scared to walk into Wal-Mart during a time of rush? Or how to deal with people when they look at you and tell you how beautiful you are.
Being 220, I think to myself, what would they have said if I was still 400 pounds? How dare they tell me they think I am beautiful when I know that if I was still 400 pounds they would have snickered at me as I walked away or they would think to themselves how unhealthy I am. I can say that honestly because I find myself now thinking the same thing when I see a larger woman or man walk by me in a store. I laugh to myself when I see an overweight person riding in a chair drinking a drink from McDonalds with obvious stains of their recent burger.
I have to remember that I am no longer that person. I am no longer the person who drives through McDonalds ordering whatever I can, eating until I am too full to move, then continuing to eat because it is there. I am no longer the person that turns to food to fill that void from the pit of my soul that is begging to be loved and to be needed. I no longer am that person that cries after eating all I can possibly fit into myself because the food did not fill that void. I am no longer that person that thinks that every look I get is a stare of the embarrassment they feel for me.
I am NOW that person who reasons with the void and fills it with the happiness I get from my strength. I am NOW the person that wakes up thankful to be alive. I am NOW that person who looks for ways to improve my quality of living and my successes in life.
8 Months ago, I knew for a fact I was going to either die during my surgery, not make it to my surgery, or the surgery was just not going to work for me. 8 Months ago, you could see in my eyes the pain and despair of life and how much pain my past experiences still caused me. 8 Months ago, the smile on my face, the laughter in my voice, the carefree person you saw was a cover up for the depressed, suicidal, terrified, lost soul I carried underneath it all.
Today - December 26th 2009, That laughter comes from the depth of my soul. That smile is true as the sky is blue and that person who lost touch with reality is living free and understands that the past only makes me stronger. Today, I am thankful for my friends, I am thankful for the new people in my life, and I have learned what it is like to be grateful for what is truly great.
Today - December 26th 2009, I know what it is to love and to be truly loved in return. I know what it is to “relax” and to take a deep breath. I have seen both the bad and the good in myself for the first time. I look in the mirror and see that I am a truly beautiful woman. I am able to offer a friendship, I am able to offer love, and I am able to offer myself - because you can not share yourself completely if you do not know yourself completely.
In order to be loved, you must love yourself first. In order to share true laughter and joy, you must find true laughter and joy in living. Life is about experiences because it teaches you about yourself and makes you stronger.
The beauty of bad experiences equals out over time with the positive ones, but only if you see the positive in them.
Much blessings, Happy Holidays all.
Love
Jessica
My experience going from a 400 pound person to a 220 pound person has been dramatic. A lot of things have happened both bad and good with the complications but the one thing they don’t really have a lot to tell people about before having this surgery is the mental aspect.
I mean really - How can you tell a 400 pound person what it would be like to be 220 pounds and more socially acceptable? How do you tell a 400 pound person what it would be like to no longer be scared to walk into Wal-Mart during a time of rush? Or how to deal with people when they look at you and tell you how beautiful you are.
Being 220, I think to myself, what would they have said if I was still 400 pounds? How dare they tell me they think I am beautiful when I know that if I was still 400 pounds they would have snickered at me as I walked away or they would think to themselves how unhealthy I am. I can say that honestly because I find myself now thinking the same thing when I see a larger woman or man walk by me in a store. I laugh to myself when I see an overweight person riding in a chair drinking a drink from McDonalds with obvious stains of their recent burger.
I have to remember that I am no longer that person. I am no longer the person who drives through McDonalds ordering whatever I can, eating until I am too full to move, then continuing to eat because it is there. I am no longer the person that turns to food to fill that void from the pit of my soul that is begging to be loved and to be needed. I no longer am that person that cries after eating all I can possibly fit into myself because the food did not fill that void. I am no longer that person that thinks that every look I get is a stare of the embarrassment they feel for me.
I am NOW that person who reasons with the void and fills it with the happiness I get from my strength. I am NOW the person that wakes up thankful to be alive. I am NOW that person who looks for ways to improve my quality of living and my successes in life.
8 Months ago, I knew for a fact I was going to either die during my surgery, not make it to my surgery, or the surgery was just not going to work for me. 8 Months ago, you could see in my eyes the pain and despair of life and how much pain my past experiences still caused me. 8 Months ago, the smile on my face, the laughter in my voice, the carefree person you saw was a cover up for the depressed, suicidal, terrified, lost soul I carried underneath it all.
Today - December 26th 2009, That laughter comes from the depth of my soul. That smile is true as the sky is blue and that person who lost touch with reality is living free and understands that the past only makes me stronger. Today, I am thankful for my friends, I am thankful for the new people in my life, and I have learned what it is like to be grateful for what is truly great.
Today - December 26th 2009, I know what it is to love and to be truly loved in return. I know what it is to “relax” and to take a deep breath. I have seen both the bad and the good in myself for the first time. I look in the mirror and see that I am a truly beautiful woman. I am able to offer a friendship, I am able to offer love, and I am able to offer myself - because you can not share yourself completely if you do not know yourself completely.
In order to be loved, you must love yourself first. In order to share true laughter and joy, you must find true laughter and joy in living. Life is about experiences because it teaches you about yourself and makes you stronger.
The beauty of bad experiences equals out over time with the positive ones, but only if you see the positive in them.
Much blessings, Happy Holidays all.
Love
Jessica
Thursday, December 24, 2009
So where do I start??
Lets start with this year - 2009
November, 2009 - Weighed in at 399 wearing a size 32/34 pants and a 3xl - 4xl top and living in Acton- Metro West Boston MA. I had a Cat, a tomato plant and a relationship that was over long before then. I knew I wanted more so I set up an appointment with Dr David Lautz a Gastro surgeon at Brigham and Woman's Hospital for Jan 29th 2009. I kept telling myself I could lose the weight on my own and be happy doing so, and I would go daily to subway and get a foot long BLT sub with all the veggies thinking that with all the veggies it would be good for me but I never really thought about what I was putting into my body so I continued to stay between 386 and 400 for over a year.
Jan 14th, 2009 - I weighed the same, still depressed with a tomato plant and a cat and went to my local doctor and informed her of my decision to look into Gastric Bypass - I also went to see her because I was having the same chest pains that I had been experiencing for months now but was too scared to see a doctor. After seeing her she told me I would likely never have children but the chances would be higher if I lost a considerable amount of weight. She also informed me that my chances of a stroke were very high, and I was a ticking time bomb. She then sent me to see a cardiologist because she heard the palpatations in my chest and the pain worried her. That night I wore a Halter Monitor, where they attach this machine to your chest to monitor the beats. Of course the palpatations didnt happen that night so they cleared me.
Jan 29th, 2009 - I went to boston, alone for my appointment as I did most things. I was realizing fast that I was alone in the world and I was the only one that could change the way I felt and the path I was fastly going down. The surgeon was amazing, he answered all of my questions and told me he wants to help me. He told me he thought I was a prime candidate and that I would/should have no complications. So I decided then to go through the testing. Gastric Bypass was for me. I was too weak to do it alone and I needed an easy way out.
Feb 14th, 2009 - Ohhh Valentines day. I got nothing, I am not even sure I got a kiss. I wondered to myself why dont I just leave. He doesnt love me, he doesnt want me, and I am wasting my time. But I stayed because I didnt want to be alone. I stayed because I thought I wasnt worth that kiss, or worth anything better. How can you want something better, a better love when you have never been truly loved. You dont really know what your missing, but you know there is something missing.
March 9th 2009 - Joe goes in for his gastric bypass. Yeah I know, His was two mon ths before mine. The nurse told me once before when we were alone, she thought the surgery will bring us close together, she though that she thinks we will be perfect for one another when we find happiness in ourselves. So we get to the hospital at 730 - Joe goes into surgery sometime between 930 and 1130. I sat in a small waiting room with his parents listening to them say what happens will happen. If it is his time to go it is his time. But for me I knew the man I once loved was under the knife and it was my idea for him to do this. I pushed him to endure this pain, I pushed him to suffer. Not once did I think I pushed him to save his own life considering he had reached 454 at the time of surgery. Finally Dr Lautz called me to tell me he was out and ok and I could go see him. His parents waited while I ran as fast as I could to the post op room. There he was laying in a bed obvious pain, I started crying harder than I had before. I was the reason for his pain, I was the reason for his crying out for medication. I couldnt be there I grabbed his hand, told him I loved him and ran out trying to hold myself together. I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor trying to gather myself.
His parents went in and I sat out until he was in his room, and then I went to see him, I asked him if there was anything I could do and he said no. I gave him a bath before leaving, crying the whole way home thinking what had I done to his man. He called me later that night to tell me that he loved me and he was okay.
March 12th 2009 - he came home, his parents were there, I went to buy him everything he needed and when I got back he was sleeping. When he awoke he seemed upset, within 20 minutes he got off the couch, threw his hands up and left the apartment. I sat with his parents confused. Aparently on his way home he spoke to his father about what I had did to him. I followed him out the apartment to find out what was wrong only for him to be pacing the laundry room. I asked, "whats wrong? Are you okay?" His response was "Nothings wrong, I have to walk" After a few minutes of me staring at him he started to yell that I had did this to him, he cryed out - "You did this to me." from then on I realized this is not going to be good.
For the next two months before my surgery he barely talked to me, left early and spent most of his time talking to some girl in a game he plays.
May 11th, 2009 - One day til my surgery, I was alone still, no one to really talk to. I had tried many times to better Joe and My relationship but there was nothing there. I knew had surgery tomorrow and I was scared. Stayed up all night thinking I was going to die the next day.
May 12th 2009 - I stayed up all night and Joe and I left the house at 4am to reach the hospital by 5am. My surgery was scheduled for 730am. I told Joe I wanted to leave... I did not want to go through this surgery, I did not want to go through the pain, I was not ready to give up my addiction to food. The surgeons gave me medications they thought would help me get through the "rolling into the operating room" but they only made me more nervous. They were all great though, and the surgeons and techs just kept telling me I was doing the right thing. Joe gave me a peck and went to the waiting room. As they rolled me down the hall I kept saying, I am going to make it right... they would just respond with, youll be fine.
I woke up as soon as they took the oxygen mask off in the operating room, I remember hearing the nurses say "Shes awake shes awake" and I screamed "Where am I???" as soon as the nurologist looked down and said "Jessica your okay you just had surgery, take a deep breath" they gave me something to knock me back out.
May 15th 2009 I came home, in severe pain, and so much suffering I could not go to the bathroom or even take a shower. I was unable to drink or move. Joe was home but he played his game and left me there pretty much to suffer. I watched tv for the first night and every food commercial made me cry.
May 16th 2009 I called the hospital and informed the nurses of the pain I was in, and they said I had a stitch in the muscle they tore, thats why I was in pain and that I would be okay. So I suffered and struggled to go to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub to take a bath. No where in this did I have help. I wondered if I had done the right thing. I wondered why didnt I have a hand to hold as I slid down the hallway walls to make it to the bathroom, or someone there as I screamed in pain trying to stand up to get something to drink.
May 19th 2009 I begged Joe to take me back to the hospital, I couldnt handle it anymore, I couldnt move, I hadnt drank or ate for over a week and I was nearly unable to speak. He brought me to the er and soon left. I was hospitalized, monitored closely, they worried about my condition because I was in such pain and and so severely dehydrated. Again, alone. I would wake up now and again and the nurses would try to get me to walk and realized my condition was terrible so they would just put me back to sleep with heavy doses of pain medications and kept the fluids going through for the next few days trying to get my brain to start working the way it should. No visitors. Once I woke up and the nurse asked, "Is there anyone I can call to come sit with you to spend time with you?" My response was no. I could see she was sad for me, but I knew it was the norm.
May 23rd 2009 I was released from the hosptial, Joe brought me home and went to work. I sat up all night thinking, am I doing to make it. I was miserable, depressed, and thought every hour how easy it would be to take all my pain meds and end it all. A peaceful way to go, no heartbreak, no pain... just seemed simple.
May 28th 2009 - Joe and my 4 year aniversary. He told me I had a month to leave or he was. I told him Happy anniversary.
May 31st 2009 After still not drinking or able to eat anything I was hospitalized again with the same situation. I got a phone call from my Mother saying, "Your there again?" When we hung up I cried thinking for the first time in years, I needed my mom there, but I was too far away.
June 3rd 2009 They gave me better pain meds and I no longer felt like I was ripping from my insides, I was able to walk and was able to hold down little amounts of water and jello so they sent me home. I waited for an hour for Joe to get me. He over slept I guess. So I bought some bread and fed the birds right outside the hospital sitting in my wheel chair with tears rolling down my face wishing I was a bird. I am guessing this was from the pain meds, but I think there is true feeling in it. Being a bird gives you such freedom to fly as far away as you can from something if you are that unhappy.
June 4th 2009 - ER Visit for fluids because I was severely dehydrated and needed electrolytes
June 5th 2009 I found out Joe had been speaking to another female for the past few months and it was more serious than I had originally thought. It was kind of a weight lifted off my shoulders. I broke down realizing I wasnt healed, I didnt have the strength to move, I wasnt sure what to do.
June 10th 2009 - 3rd ER visit for fluids
June 26th 2009 - 4th ER Visit for fluids, still debating if he was moving out or if I was, I decided to call my grandmother, and I was offered to stay with her in Wilmington NC.
July 2nd, 2009 said good bye to Joe and got on a bus, headed to NC.
July 11th 2009 - experiencing pain in my stomach, unable to eat, began even throwing up fluids. Slowly getting worse.
July 21st 2009 - ER visit, to find out what was going on and the er doctor told me I was dehyrdated, they gave me one bag of fluids and sent me on my way. I could barely walk I was so dehyrdated and tired from the lack of protein.
July 25th 2009 - Back to the er, I begged them to look more into it. For the past week I would sit up all night throwing up even spit. Anything that went into my stomach I would spit up. It got to the point I was throwing up Bile from my intestines. and nothing, they sent me home.
July 29th 2009 was hospitalized - I went to the er and refused to leave. My mother yelled at the doctor and I said I would not leave until they figure it out. They hospitalized me for 3 days because after going into my stomach during a procedure they realised my small stomach closed up on itself. By the time I left I was feeling better and able to drink more and eat more. I felt much better and was excited to be on a mend.
August 3rd 2009 - I fell after taking a single step down, I realized my legs were getting weaker and I was almost unable to hold up my weight. I was down to 264 but my legs kept trying to give out. I thought maybe it was nothing and just started being more careful.
August 5th, 2009 - I took a bath thinking it would help, but at the end of the bath I was unable to get up from the bottom of the tub. It took me twenty minutes of pulling with my arms to get onto the side of the tub. Once I was there I turned and tried to stand up and my legs were even more weak. Walking to my bedroom I fell into the wall and slowly walked over to the bed. I spent the day in bed thinking maybe I was tired.
August 8th, 2009 - I went out with my sister and fell at a local store and the ambulance was called because I couldnt feel my legs. I was hospitalized for two days while they monitored and tried to figure out what happened. They informed me that because of the time I spent not eating or drinking a few weeks ago and the hospital not taking me in I lost all the muscle in my legs and abdomen. They set me up with Physical Therapy and sent me home with a walker and a shower seat.
August 11th, 2009 they sent me home and I used my walker to go to the bathroom, where I fell trying to leave the bathroom. My walker was not sturdy enough and no one was home for me, so I drug myself into the hallway and into the bedroom, crying while trying to pull myself up onto the bed. I fell again, again landing on my knees, so I sat on the floor for what seemed like for ever crying and debating if it was all worth it. In time, I took a deep breath, and remembed the wooden trunk at the end of the bed, so I slid down to it and pulled myself up on it and flung myself on the bed.
August 14th 2009, I fell and broke my toe walking to the living room... Mental note - Must use walker at all times, and Grandma can not help me off the floor.
For the next month I started my physical therapy and started being able to move more, with my walker I was capable of getting around the house. I began finally to think maybe I will get better.
August 30th I posted an ad on craigslist, more as a joke, asking if there were any men in NC that were normal and not creepy. Someone responded. At 130 in the morning we texted for hours and I realized he was what seemed like a really nice guy, so I thought I better keep him distant, what would he think about a girl who has to use a walker to go pee.
August 31st through Sept 11th, we talked every day, and I learned that his name was Beau and it wasnt said like Beau-ick or Beau-tiful, but said like Bo. During these nearly two weeks of talking daily for hours, I felt like I knew him well, not to mention my legs were much better and I was getting around without my walker so I thought I better meet himb before I fall in love with texts and a voice over the phone and really mess things up.
Sept 11th he came over and we met for the first time. We got PLASTERED! I loved his personality, he was funny and handsome, honest and sweet. I thought there is no way he could possibly like me, but he kept saying he did so I obviously thought he was looking for more of a one night stand. I didnt feel worth more than that I guess.
Sept and october he had to stay in a hotel because he had to work over an hour away from Wilmington. So every weekend he came to see me, and a couple weekend I went to see him, and if we werent with each other we would text or call one another. I fell for him fast but tried to hide it from him not wanting to scare him off.
November 2009 - He was finally home and we spent just about every night together. When I was away I didnt want to be, and when I was with him, I didnt want it to end... and I finally told him I loved him and I meant it. I FINALLY MEANT IT! I finally knew what I was missing. I finally knew what real love was. I felt more comfortable with myself enough to know I wanted to be with him because I wanted to and not because I felt like that the best I could do or that all I deserved. I realized how great it felt to hear someone say I love you and know they mean it... from the bottom of their heart.
December 2009 I moved in with him. As scared as I was that it would mess things up, it didnt. I realized I had to take that leap of faith and I am glad we did. We see each others downfalls and all the great things about each other. How much we have in common and how well we fit together like a puzzle. I have been missing my puzzle peice for the last 26 years and I finally found it. What an amazing feeling.
As of today - Christmas Eve - Dec 24th 2009, I weigh in at 221 - In 12 months I have lost 179 pounds, 133 pounds in 7 months since surgery, and I have lost that feeling of hating myself. I have gained a new lease on life, I have gain a new definition of love, and I have gained wonderful thoughts of the future.
The need for Happiness, the Want for happiness, the struggles and pain for happiness is truly the key to Happiness. You have to fight for what you want, a true struggle, in time - Youll get what you have been wanting, whether or not you know what that is - the Big man up stairs has a plan.
So there you have it, my 2009 in a nut shell. Here's to 2010!! Whats to come next year? I can ONLY IMAGINE!!! But I know I am ready.
November, 2009 - Weighed in at 399 wearing a size 32/34 pants and a 3xl - 4xl top and living in Acton- Metro West Boston MA. I had a Cat, a tomato plant and a relationship that was over long before then. I knew I wanted more so I set up an appointment with Dr David Lautz a Gastro surgeon at Brigham and Woman's Hospital for Jan 29th 2009. I kept telling myself I could lose the weight on my own and be happy doing so, and I would go daily to subway and get a foot long BLT sub with all the veggies thinking that with all the veggies it would be good for me but I never really thought about what I was putting into my body so I continued to stay between 386 and 400 for over a year.
Jan 14th, 2009 - I weighed the same, still depressed with a tomato plant and a cat and went to my local doctor and informed her of my decision to look into Gastric Bypass - I also went to see her because I was having the same chest pains that I had been experiencing for months now but was too scared to see a doctor. After seeing her she told me I would likely never have children but the chances would be higher if I lost a considerable amount of weight. She also informed me that my chances of a stroke were very high, and I was a ticking time bomb. She then sent me to see a cardiologist because she heard the palpatations in my chest and the pain worried her. That night I wore a Halter Monitor, where they attach this machine to your chest to monitor the beats. Of course the palpatations didnt happen that night so they cleared me.
Jan 29th, 2009 - I went to boston, alone for my appointment as I did most things. I was realizing fast that I was alone in the world and I was the only one that could change the way I felt and the path I was fastly going down. The surgeon was amazing, he answered all of my questions and told me he wants to help me. He told me he thought I was a prime candidate and that I would/should have no complications. So I decided then to go through the testing. Gastric Bypass was for me. I was too weak to do it alone and I needed an easy way out.
Feb 14th, 2009 - Ohhh Valentines day. I got nothing, I am not even sure I got a kiss. I wondered to myself why dont I just leave. He doesnt love me, he doesnt want me, and I am wasting my time. But I stayed because I didnt want to be alone. I stayed because I thought I wasnt worth that kiss, or worth anything better. How can you want something better, a better love when you have never been truly loved. You dont really know what your missing, but you know there is something missing.
March 9th 2009 - Joe goes in for his gastric bypass. Yeah I know, His was two mon ths before mine. The nurse told me once before when we were alone, she thought the surgery will bring us close together, she though that she thinks we will be perfect for one another when we find happiness in ourselves. So we get to the hospital at 730 - Joe goes into surgery sometime between 930 and 1130. I sat in a small waiting room with his parents listening to them say what happens will happen. If it is his time to go it is his time. But for me I knew the man I once loved was under the knife and it was my idea for him to do this. I pushed him to endure this pain, I pushed him to suffer. Not once did I think I pushed him to save his own life considering he had reached 454 at the time of surgery. Finally Dr Lautz called me to tell me he was out and ok and I could go see him. His parents waited while I ran as fast as I could to the post op room. There he was laying in a bed obvious pain, I started crying harder than I had before. I was the reason for his pain, I was the reason for his crying out for medication. I couldnt be there I grabbed his hand, told him I loved him and ran out trying to hold myself together. I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor trying to gather myself.
His parents went in and I sat out until he was in his room, and then I went to see him, I asked him if there was anything I could do and he said no. I gave him a bath before leaving, crying the whole way home thinking what had I done to his man. He called me later that night to tell me that he loved me and he was okay.
March 12th 2009 - he came home, his parents were there, I went to buy him everything he needed and when I got back he was sleeping. When he awoke he seemed upset, within 20 minutes he got off the couch, threw his hands up and left the apartment. I sat with his parents confused. Aparently on his way home he spoke to his father about what I had did to him. I followed him out the apartment to find out what was wrong only for him to be pacing the laundry room. I asked, "whats wrong? Are you okay?" His response was "Nothings wrong, I have to walk" After a few minutes of me staring at him he started to yell that I had did this to him, he cryed out - "You did this to me." from then on I realized this is not going to be good.
For the next two months before my surgery he barely talked to me, left early and spent most of his time talking to some girl in a game he plays.
May 11th, 2009 - One day til my surgery, I was alone still, no one to really talk to. I had tried many times to better Joe and My relationship but there was nothing there. I knew had surgery tomorrow and I was scared. Stayed up all night thinking I was going to die the next day.
May 12th 2009 - I stayed up all night and Joe and I left the house at 4am to reach the hospital by 5am. My surgery was scheduled for 730am. I told Joe I wanted to leave... I did not want to go through this surgery, I did not want to go through the pain, I was not ready to give up my addiction to food. The surgeons gave me medications they thought would help me get through the "rolling into the operating room" but they only made me more nervous. They were all great though, and the surgeons and techs just kept telling me I was doing the right thing. Joe gave me a peck and went to the waiting room. As they rolled me down the hall I kept saying, I am going to make it right... they would just respond with, youll be fine.
I woke up as soon as they took the oxygen mask off in the operating room, I remember hearing the nurses say "Shes awake shes awake" and I screamed "Where am I???" as soon as the nurologist looked down and said "Jessica your okay you just had surgery, take a deep breath" they gave me something to knock me back out.
May 15th 2009 I came home, in severe pain, and so much suffering I could not go to the bathroom or even take a shower. I was unable to drink or move. Joe was home but he played his game and left me there pretty much to suffer. I watched tv for the first night and every food commercial made me cry.
May 16th 2009 I called the hospital and informed the nurses of the pain I was in, and they said I had a stitch in the muscle they tore, thats why I was in pain and that I would be okay. So I suffered and struggled to go to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub to take a bath. No where in this did I have help. I wondered if I had done the right thing. I wondered why didnt I have a hand to hold as I slid down the hallway walls to make it to the bathroom, or someone there as I screamed in pain trying to stand up to get something to drink.
May 19th 2009 I begged Joe to take me back to the hospital, I couldnt handle it anymore, I couldnt move, I hadnt drank or ate for over a week and I was nearly unable to speak. He brought me to the er and soon left. I was hospitalized, monitored closely, they worried about my condition because I was in such pain and and so severely dehydrated. Again, alone. I would wake up now and again and the nurses would try to get me to walk and realized my condition was terrible so they would just put me back to sleep with heavy doses of pain medications and kept the fluids going through for the next few days trying to get my brain to start working the way it should. No visitors. Once I woke up and the nurse asked, "Is there anyone I can call to come sit with you to spend time with you?" My response was no. I could see she was sad for me, but I knew it was the norm.
May 23rd 2009 I was released from the hosptial, Joe brought me home and went to work. I sat up all night thinking, am I doing to make it. I was miserable, depressed, and thought every hour how easy it would be to take all my pain meds and end it all. A peaceful way to go, no heartbreak, no pain... just seemed simple.
May 28th 2009 - Joe and my 4 year aniversary. He told me I had a month to leave or he was. I told him Happy anniversary.
May 31st 2009 After still not drinking or able to eat anything I was hospitalized again with the same situation. I got a phone call from my Mother saying, "Your there again?" When we hung up I cried thinking for the first time in years, I needed my mom there, but I was too far away.
June 3rd 2009 They gave me better pain meds and I no longer felt like I was ripping from my insides, I was able to walk and was able to hold down little amounts of water and jello so they sent me home. I waited for an hour for Joe to get me. He over slept I guess. So I bought some bread and fed the birds right outside the hospital sitting in my wheel chair with tears rolling down my face wishing I was a bird. I am guessing this was from the pain meds, but I think there is true feeling in it. Being a bird gives you such freedom to fly as far away as you can from something if you are that unhappy.
June 4th 2009 - ER Visit for fluids because I was severely dehydrated and needed electrolytes
June 5th 2009 I found out Joe had been speaking to another female for the past few months and it was more serious than I had originally thought. It was kind of a weight lifted off my shoulders. I broke down realizing I wasnt healed, I didnt have the strength to move, I wasnt sure what to do.
June 10th 2009 - 3rd ER visit for fluids
June 26th 2009 - 4th ER Visit for fluids, still debating if he was moving out or if I was, I decided to call my grandmother, and I was offered to stay with her in Wilmington NC.
July 2nd, 2009 said good bye to Joe and got on a bus, headed to NC.
July 11th 2009 - experiencing pain in my stomach, unable to eat, began even throwing up fluids. Slowly getting worse.
July 21st 2009 - ER visit, to find out what was going on and the er doctor told me I was dehyrdated, they gave me one bag of fluids and sent me on my way. I could barely walk I was so dehyrdated and tired from the lack of protein.
July 25th 2009 - Back to the er, I begged them to look more into it. For the past week I would sit up all night throwing up even spit. Anything that went into my stomach I would spit up. It got to the point I was throwing up Bile from my intestines. and nothing, they sent me home.
July 29th 2009 was hospitalized - I went to the er and refused to leave. My mother yelled at the doctor and I said I would not leave until they figure it out. They hospitalized me for 3 days because after going into my stomach during a procedure they realised my small stomach closed up on itself. By the time I left I was feeling better and able to drink more and eat more. I felt much better and was excited to be on a mend.
August 3rd 2009 - I fell after taking a single step down, I realized my legs were getting weaker and I was almost unable to hold up my weight. I was down to 264 but my legs kept trying to give out. I thought maybe it was nothing and just started being more careful.
August 5th, 2009 - I took a bath thinking it would help, but at the end of the bath I was unable to get up from the bottom of the tub. It took me twenty minutes of pulling with my arms to get onto the side of the tub. Once I was there I turned and tried to stand up and my legs were even more weak. Walking to my bedroom I fell into the wall and slowly walked over to the bed. I spent the day in bed thinking maybe I was tired.
August 8th, 2009 - I went out with my sister and fell at a local store and the ambulance was called because I couldnt feel my legs. I was hospitalized for two days while they monitored and tried to figure out what happened. They informed me that because of the time I spent not eating or drinking a few weeks ago and the hospital not taking me in I lost all the muscle in my legs and abdomen. They set me up with Physical Therapy and sent me home with a walker and a shower seat.
August 11th, 2009 they sent me home and I used my walker to go to the bathroom, where I fell trying to leave the bathroom. My walker was not sturdy enough and no one was home for me, so I drug myself into the hallway and into the bedroom, crying while trying to pull myself up onto the bed. I fell again, again landing on my knees, so I sat on the floor for what seemed like for ever crying and debating if it was all worth it. In time, I took a deep breath, and remembed the wooden trunk at the end of the bed, so I slid down to it and pulled myself up on it and flung myself on the bed.
August 14th 2009, I fell and broke my toe walking to the living room... Mental note - Must use walker at all times, and Grandma can not help me off the floor.
For the next month I started my physical therapy and started being able to move more, with my walker I was capable of getting around the house. I began finally to think maybe I will get better.
August 30th I posted an ad on craigslist, more as a joke, asking if there were any men in NC that were normal and not creepy. Someone responded. At 130 in the morning we texted for hours and I realized he was what seemed like a really nice guy, so I thought I better keep him distant, what would he think about a girl who has to use a walker to go pee.
August 31st through Sept 11th, we talked every day, and I learned that his name was Beau and it wasnt said like Beau-ick or Beau-tiful, but said like Bo. During these nearly two weeks of talking daily for hours, I felt like I knew him well, not to mention my legs were much better and I was getting around without my walker so I thought I better meet himb before I fall in love with texts and a voice over the phone and really mess things up.
Sept 11th he came over and we met for the first time. We got PLASTERED! I loved his personality, he was funny and handsome, honest and sweet. I thought there is no way he could possibly like me, but he kept saying he did so I obviously thought he was looking for more of a one night stand. I didnt feel worth more than that I guess.
Sept and october he had to stay in a hotel because he had to work over an hour away from Wilmington. So every weekend he came to see me, and a couple weekend I went to see him, and if we werent with each other we would text or call one another. I fell for him fast but tried to hide it from him not wanting to scare him off.
November 2009 - He was finally home and we spent just about every night together. When I was away I didnt want to be, and when I was with him, I didnt want it to end... and I finally told him I loved him and I meant it. I FINALLY MEANT IT! I finally knew what I was missing. I finally knew what real love was. I felt more comfortable with myself enough to know I wanted to be with him because I wanted to and not because I felt like that the best I could do or that all I deserved. I realized how great it felt to hear someone say I love you and know they mean it... from the bottom of their heart.
December 2009 I moved in with him. As scared as I was that it would mess things up, it didnt. I realized I had to take that leap of faith and I am glad we did. We see each others downfalls and all the great things about each other. How much we have in common and how well we fit together like a puzzle. I have been missing my puzzle peice for the last 26 years and I finally found it. What an amazing feeling.
As of today - Christmas Eve - Dec 24th 2009, I weigh in at 221 - In 12 months I have lost 179 pounds, 133 pounds in 7 months since surgery, and I have lost that feeling of hating myself. I have gained a new lease on life, I have gain a new definition of love, and I have gained wonderful thoughts of the future.
The need for Happiness, the Want for happiness, the struggles and pain for happiness is truly the key to Happiness. You have to fight for what you want, a true struggle, in time - Youll get what you have been wanting, whether or not you know what that is - the Big man up stairs has a plan.
So there you have it, my 2009 in a nut shell. Here's to 2010!! Whats to come next year? I can ONLY IMAGINE!!! But I know I am ready.
In the beginning... There is always a Beginning.
In life we have two things we must experience - Our beginning and our end. Now what happens between these two experiences is what we decide for the most part. Although we can not choose our family, we can choose our friends and we can choose to have a relationship with the family we are forced to belong too.
As with not being able to choose our family, some experiences we have no choice but to endure. It is how we deal with these said experiences that tells our life story, tells our personalities, and shows our maturity.
With this being said, this blog will go through highs and lows. It will not only tell a story of struggle but it will also tell a story of love and happiness.
So here goes nothing.
As with not being able to choose our family, some experiences we have no choice but to endure. It is how we deal with these said experiences that tells our life story, tells our personalities, and shows our maturity.
With this being said, this blog will go through highs and lows. It will not only tell a story of struggle but it will also tell a story of love and happiness.
So here goes nothing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
