In a room full of people it feels like no one else is around and I have never had this feeling ever before. But I hope it stays and lasts forever. You are my heart and soul, and you have taught me a new meaning for love that I love to fight because it scares me.... but if you are willing to support me while I get through this and risk the fall... it will be worth it I swear.
i love you.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Dear Diary 11/12/2010
Dear Diary...
Today while sitting in the Dunkin Donuts drive through, I was waiting for two middle aged women to figure out how to ring up my order of a single Ice Coffee and I thought to myself... They are middle aged women working at Dunkins with teenagers - How did they get there? How did they get to the point of being in their late forties, waking up and putting on their, burnt coffee smelling, uniform - coming into work to make iced coffee and bagging donuts? Every person has a story, every person has a situation that gets them to where they are in their lives at this very moment in time. As I drove off, I thought to myself where do I want to be a year from now - and while in this position do I want someone to see me and think to themselves, "how did she get there?" I need to focus more on where I want to be and not where I have been or who I was.
Anyways - Thanks-giving and Christmas are coming. Around this time every year I think to myself, I wish I had children. I wish I had a house, where a Christmas tree was set to go up the day after Thanks-giving and the kids are excited about making and putting their own Christmas decorations on the tree. I absolutely love the idea of wrapping and filling the bottom of the tree with gifts and not to mention Christmas Morning... Now I sleep in and wake up with my hair a mess and sit on the couch with coffee... but if I had children, they would wake me up screaming Santa was here after my husband and I stayed up most of the night waiting for them to fall asleep and us setting up their gifts all over the room knowing how excited they would be... but I would still get up with my hair a mess, drinking my coffee and watching their little faces grinning ear to ear as they open their gifts - only getting a frown when they open their socks...
So much to look forward to but so much to accomplish before I get there... Its time to start focusing on my future and no longer my past.
Life is so precious - heres to no more wasted time.
Jessica
Today while sitting in the Dunkin Donuts drive through, I was waiting for two middle aged women to figure out how to ring up my order of a single Ice Coffee and I thought to myself... They are middle aged women working at Dunkins with teenagers - How did they get there? How did they get to the point of being in their late forties, waking up and putting on their, burnt coffee smelling, uniform - coming into work to make iced coffee and bagging donuts? Every person has a story, every person has a situation that gets them to where they are in their lives at this very moment in time. As I drove off, I thought to myself where do I want to be a year from now - and while in this position do I want someone to see me and think to themselves, "how did she get there?" I need to focus more on where I want to be and not where I have been or who I was.
Anyways - Thanks-giving and Christmas are coming. Around this time every year I think to myself, I wish I had children. I wish I had a house, where a Christmas tree was set to go up the day after Thanks-giving and the kids are excited about making and putting their own Christmas decorations on the tree. I absolutely love the idea of wrapping and filling the bottom of the tree with gifts and not to mention Christmas Morning... Now I sleep in and wake up with my hair a mess and sit on the couch with coffee... but if I had children, they would wake me up screaming Santa was here after my husband and I stayed up most of the night waiting for them to fall asleep and us setting up their gifts all over the room knowing how excited they would be... but I would still get up with my hair a mess, drinking my coffee and watching their little faces grinning ear to ear as they open their gifts - only getting a frown when they open their socks...
So much to look forward to but so much to accomplish before I get there... Its time to start focusing on my future and no longer my past.
Life is so precious - heres to no more wasted time.
Jessica
Monday, November 8, 2010
Dear Diary 11/08/2010
Dear Diary,
So things are panning themselves out for me. I have plans for my next surgery in the feb, but between now and then I am working hard to move in the company I work for and get as much over time as possible. I am saving to plan for a house. Can you believe it! I want something that I can call my own. I wanted to buy a car first but I think for now I have a vehicle I have no monthly payments on, so I want to go a bit further in the position I am in. I want to buy a house. My plans? To save as much money as I possibly can while paying down on some debt. I think my priorities are starting to take first in my life rather than living every second for what it is. I want a home so I can have a place to lay my head that I know is mine, and then I want to lay my childrens' heads' in their beds in their home. So I guess life is starting to make since and what I want is starting to come out. So for a while here I plan to work as hard as I can to get where I want to bed in a year which is A - either in a new home or in the process of searching for the right one, B - Finished with surgeries for the time being and content where I am in the progress. C - looking into what career choices I have, including being a ways into writing my book.
So I have a lot of goals between now and a year from now... I guess I better get too it huh?
I love my life...
Jessica
So things are panning themselves out for me. I have plans for my next surgery in the feb, but between now and then I am working hard to move in the company I work for and get as much over time as possible. I am saving to plan for a house. Can you believe it! I want something that I can call my own. I wanted to buy a car first but I think for now I have a vehicle I have no monthly payments on, so I want to go a bit further in the position I am in. I want to buy a house. My plans? To save as much money as I possibly can while paying down on some debt. I think my priorities are starting to take first in my life rather than living every second for what it is. I want a home so I can have a place to lay my head that I know is mine, and then I want to lay my childrens' heads' in their beds in their home. So I guess life is starting to make since and what I want is starting to come out. So for a while here I plan to work as hard as I can to get where I want to bed in a year which is A - either in a new home or in the process of searching for the right one, B - Finished with surgeries for the time being and content where I am in the progress. C - looking into what career choices I have, including being a ways into writing my book.
So I have a lot of goals between now and a year from now... I guess I better get too it huh?
I love my life...
Jessica
Saturday, November 6, 2010
dear diary 11/06/2010
So I am sittimg here at work playing with new cell phones and doing pretty much whatever because the computers are down. so I figured no time is better than now to use a Droid 2 to type a blog. its hard on my fingers but like how it slides open but still prefer a touch screen like a HTC Incredible. My phone rocks. Anyways I wish it was 1130 im over sitting here bored . so life is pretty good saving to go to Boston in Jan which will be fun and saving just to save ... I need a nest egg and i dont have one. I think when u finally face the future and see how your life will only pan out if you make it... u start to realize how much control u actually have. life is too short to live miserable. well these buttons are making my fingers hurt... just realized i dont like the droid 2 at all... hmmm
jess
jess
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Dear Diary Sept 26th 2010 - Healing Process? Thoughts on Marriage?
Dear Diary,
I am doing well in my healing process... Yesterday I was finally able to take a shower by myself instead of sitting on the side of the tub giving myself a half ass bath. Its nice that after 2 and a half weeks I am actually feeling clean. Today was the first day I went out driving by myself. I admit I was "hopped up" on Tylenol but I did fine. It was weird but I did great and it made me feel great! Tonight I made a nice dinner, I thought to myself today Beau will be having Gastric Bypass in 15 days... and I remember 2 weeks before my surgery I put myself on a liquid diet because I was so fearful about dying I was consumed with the thought that if I lose as much weight as I could before surgery I could shrink my liver and kidneys and lower my risks of dying. I gave up the last two weeks I had with my natural born stomach. A decision I regret, so I hope to give Beau whatever he wants before his surgery, because I know that even though this is the best decision of my life and I am VERY happy with giving up certain foods I wish I wouldnt have been so fearful and would have enjoyed my last snickers bar without fear.
But as for me and my healing process is going well just hate the drains I have to keep in another 4 days or so... and the binder I have to wear for the next 6-8 weeks. And I am not completely happy with the progress, know it is a process and it only just begun. I HATE surgery with a passion - being wheeled into the operating room - sliding myself over to the hard table and putting my arms up like I am on a cross and having them put the oxygen over my face as the tears run down my face asking in a panic "Are you putting me to sleep now???" as I quickly drift away. The fear, just before falling asleep, quickly desolves - just as I gasp for air waking up screaming from the pain being told by the nurse "Stop Screaming your scaring the other patients" Then I fall back asleep from the heavy dosing of pain meds. Did I mention I HATE surgery!!
So let me stop thinking about that - One too many and more to go makes me depressed... On to other news...
I am finding myself watching all these stupid wedding shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Four Weddings" mostly crap on TLC. I find myself wondering about myself and marriage. Well about a week ago while watching I thought to myself - OMG I am actually going to be able to dress up and look Great in a dress... I will actually not be a Fat bride... this is something I never ever really thought for myself.
The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind was racing a mile a minute about marriage and why I wasnt already married and what I have done to prevent it or if I should get married, if I should say yes if I am ever worth being asked... then I quickly said No. I should Not get married. In shock I thought more about my quick subconcious response to a question I would certainly say the opposite if given the chance.... Thats when I realized that I am in absolutely no position to bring anyone else into my world of debt. I wouldnt mind being engaged for a really long time while I fix my mess of distruction to my credit score from before my rebirth. (Surgery)
It was like I woke up Finally. Stop thinking about myself and start thinking about the other person joining his life to mine, I would never want to make him take on what I messed up. So, being engaged or dating someone is one thing, but I refuse to marry until I at least get on the right path of fixing my screwed up finances. Epiphany? I think so.
Thanks for listening to me ramble as usual....
Jessica
I am doing well in my healing process... Yesterday I was finally able to take a shower by myself instead of sitting on the side of the tub giving myself a half ass bath. Its nice that after 2 and a half weeks I am actually feeling clean. Today was the first day I went out driving by myself. I admit I was "hopped up" on Tylenol but I did fine. It was weird but I did great and it made me feel great! Tonight I made a nice dinner, I thought to myself today Beau will be having Gastric Bypass in 15 days... and I remember 2 weeks before my surgery I put myself on a liquid diet because I was so fearful about dying I was consumed with the thought that if I lose as much weight as I could before surgery I could shrink my liver and kidneys and lower my risks of dying. I gave up the last two weeks I had with my natural born stomach. A decision I regret, so I hope to give Beau whatever he wants before his surgery, because I know that even though this is the best decision of my life and I am VERY happy with giving up certain foods I wish I wouldnt have been so fearful and would have enjoyed my last snickers bar without fear.
But as for me and my healing process is going well just hate the drains I have to keep in another 4 days or so... and the binder I have to wear for the next 6-8 weeks. And I am not completely happy with the progress, know it is a process and it only just begun. I HATE surgery with a passion - being wheeled into the operating room - sliding myself over to the hard table and putting my arms up like I am on a cross and having them put the oxygen over my face as the tears run down my face asking in a panic "Are you putting me to sleep now???" as I quickly drift away. The fear, just before falling asleep, quickly desolves - just as I gasp for air waking up screaming from the pain being told by the nurse "Stop Screaming your scaring the other patients" Then I fall back asleep from the heavy dosing of pain meds. Did I mention I HATE surgery!!
So let me stop thinking about that - One too many and more to go makes me depressed... On to other news...
I am finding myself watching all these stupid wedding shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Four Weddings" mostly crap on TLC. I find myself wondering about myself and marriage. Well about a week ago while watching I thought to myself - OMG I am actually going to be able to dress up and look Great in a dress... I will actually not be a Fat bride... this is something I never ever really thought for myself.
The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind was racing a mile a minute about marriage and why I wasnt already married and what I have done to prevent it or if I should get married, if I should say yes if I am ever worth being asked... then I quickly said No. I should Not get married. In shock I thought more about my quick subconcious response to a question I would certainly say the opposite if given the chance.... Thats when I realized that I am in absolutely no position to bring anyone else into my world of debt. I wouldnt mind being engaged for a really long time while I fix my mess of distruction to my credit score from before my rebirth. (Surgery)
It was like I woke up Finally. Stop thinking about myself and start thinking about the other person joining his life to mine, I would never want to make him take on what I messed up. So, being engaged or dating someone is one thing, but I refuse to marry until I at least get on the right path of fixing my screwed up finances. Epiphany? I think so.
Thanks for listening to me ramble as usual....
Jessica
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Diary Entry - 9/15/2010 - It feels like Christmas...
For some reason sitting all cozy in this big comfy chair in my pjs, with my feet up and wrapped in a blanket - I am getting this feeling that: outside it is covered in white fluffy snow, zero degrees or below, and the moon is glistening off the top of the snow giving the trees and sky - a beautiful silver hue.
With this thought in mind it brings me back to late fall in the North East, where the snow blankets the ground and vehicles where as you walk by them you cant help but break up the beauty and form a snow ball to throw at an unsuspecting person. Then my thoughts begin to sway thinking about how much I want to do... Things before like throwing that snow ball was too much work, where as now I can't wait to cover myself in the freezing mess as I make the best snow angel possible, while laughing as hard as I can with great people. Where before the heavy breathing and mind begging me not to fall because getting up would be nearly impossible would slowly kill me inside.
Today I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time and thought, "I can do this." Something I have never actually thought to myself. This simple thought of possiblility never crossed my mind with such certainty.
My life is New. It is a new beginning, and I am so blessed to wake up every day with this level of focus and determination. I am ready for those long walks through the mall during christmas hours, or the lenghty standing in line at walmart after the holidays, or Spring cleaning when the weather outside is so crisp and the cool breeze begs you to open the windows and clean out every corner of your home... I am excited for children and chasing them through the department store when they are bad or staying up all night with them chasing off the boggie monsters.
I used to live every second for the second... Today when I looked at myself in the mirror I thought to myself, I am ready for my future, I am ready for losing the old Jessica, the angry Jessica, the "I hate society" Jessica... and I have successfully welcomed in the understanding, the unjudgmental, the non-greiving Jessica. I am the future Jessica, the Jessica I wished for but never expected to show. I am Happy with me. There are little changes I will make from here on out, but I am finally ready. I am finally ready for Life... I am ready to live.
People would ask me pre-Gastric Bypass... what was my reason for wanting to have weightloss surgery - My answer was I want to be able to Run if I want to... so...
I am ready to Run.
With this thought in mind it brings me back to late fall in the North East, where the snow blankets the ground and vehicles where as you walk by them you cant help but break up the beauty and form a snow ball to throw at an unsuspecting person. Then my thoughts begin to sway thinking about how much I want to do... Things before like throwing that snow ball was too much work, where as now I can't wait to cover myself in the freezing mess as I make the best snow angel possible, while laughing as hard as I can with great people. Where before the heavy breathing and mind begging me not to fall because getting up would be nearly impossible would slowly kill me inside.
Today I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time and thought, "I can do this." Something I have never actually thought to myself. This simple thought of possiblility never crossed my mind with such certainty.
My life is New. It is a new beginning, and I am so blessed to wake up every day with this level of focus and determination. I am ready for those long walks through the mall during christmas hours, or the lenghty standing in line at walmart after the holidays, or Spring cleaning when the weather outside is so crisp and the cool breeze begs you to open the windows and clean out every corner of your home... I am excited for children and chasing them through the department store when they are bad or staying up all night with them chasing off the boggie monsters.
I used to live every second for the second... Today when I looked at myself in the mirror I thought to myself, I am ready for my future, I am ready for losing the old Jessica, the angry Jessica, the "I hate society" Jessica... and I have successfully welcomed in the understanding, the unjudgmental, the non-greiving Jessica. I am the future Jessica, the Jessica I wished for but never expected to show. I am Happy with me. There are little changes I will make from here on out, but I am finally ready. I am finally ready for Life... I am ready to live.
People would ask me pre-Gastric Bypass... what was my reason for wanting to have weightloss surgery - My answer was I want to be able to Run if I want to... so...
I am ready to Run.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
So it has been awhile - Update Please? Ok...
Wow it has been forever since I updated - I am sorry for the extreme delay in updating you in my life - so here goes...
As you know Beau got that job with the oil spill so he had to leave and we barely spent any time together for the last couple months and it has been very hard - but I was able to drive to see him in Alabama and enjoyed my time with him and came back home for a few weeks before he came back for me to see him again which is always awesome... Then after getting sick and going to the er twice and being sent home twice I had about my max of BS from the hospitals in NC so I decided it was time to make the trip back to boston - 12 days shy of my One Year anniversary of leaving this place.
I got here and was admitted into the hospital and it was found my Gall Bladder was working only 18%, with this I also found out I had three swollen tumors around my pouch (stomach) and this was causing the pain along with the gall bladder this was my reason for constant sickness.
Within 4 days I had my gall bladder removed and the tumors were taken off, and I am on the mend now. But now after all the traveling and all this and the hospital visits and everything it has been exactly one month as of today since I have seen Beau - Been in his arms, watched him sleep, kissed his lips, felt his arms around me... it has been hell.
So - I am on the mend but it has been hard and I really cant wait til next thursday - a week from today I get to see my surgeon and get the ok from him to head home - Home being wherever Beau is. I cant wait for him to say you look good to go... I will jump in the car and start driving - I CANT WAIT!!!!
So - all I have to do is make it through the next week without him and get finished healing and things will hopefully get back to normal and normal means... laying in his arms to fall asleep... feeling his touch will make all of this time away from him forgotten...
Goodnight world.
As you know Beau got that job with the oil spill so he had to leave and we barely spent any time together for the last couple months and it has been very hard - but I was able to drive to see him in Alabama and enjoyed my time with him and came back home for a few weeks before he came back for me to see him again which is always awesome... Then after getting sick and going to the er twice and being sent home twice I had about my max of BS from the hospitals in NC so I decided it was time to make the trip back to boston - 12 days shy of my One Year anniversary of leaving this place.
I got here and was admitted into the hospital and it was found my Gall Bladder was working only 18%, with this I also found out I had three swollen tumors around my pouch (stomach) and this was causing the pain along with the gall bladder this was my reason for constant sickness.
Within 4 days I had my gall bladder removed and the tumors were taken off, and I am on the mend now. But now after all the traveling and all this and the hospital visits and everything it has been exactly one month as of today since I have seen Beau - Been in his arms, watched him sleep, kissed his lips, felt his arms around me... it has been hell.
So - I am on the mend but it has been hard and I really cant wait til next thursday - a week from today I get to see my surgeon and get the ok from him to head home - Home being wherever Beau is. I cant wait for him to say you look good to go... I will jump in the car and start driving - I CANT WAIT!!!!
So - all I have to do is make it through the next week without him and get finished healing and things will hopefully get back to normal and normal means... laying in his arms to fall asleep... feeling his touch will make all of this time away from him forgotten...
Goodnight world.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Dear Diary - 6.5.2010 - A thought in progress
The raindrops hit the ground in nearly an orderly fashion, as if sitting here silently I can hear them hit one by one. No two hitting the ground at the same time, much like society they each have their own story. Looking into the clouds, now and again there is a break where the sky is blue and the few clouds above are much like the white you would see in heaven... like heaven is showing itself. But like anything in life a darker cloud below it covers the beauty with its own. The thunder rolls in the background and now and again the sky lights up, the earth is showing its power one crack, snap, pop at a time.
Times like these make me want to go stand in the rain, and feel every drop against my skin, giving the story of that single raindrop another chapter. To some this may not make any sense at all, but to me - it is everything. In life we are on a path that is given to us, but this path can easily be distorted by the choices we make or the moves we struggle to explain. Did the rain drops have a choice is falling to the ground? Did they have the choice to hit my face? Some bullets you can not dodge. And some bullets are better off not dodged.
As with most people I am sure, my life has been full of bullets, most of which I had the choice to dodge but decided against it, or better yet I made no decision at all and allowed myself to be hit. Most would say I deserved it, some would say why not move an inch to the left and free myself of the pain many have caused; although my response is not simple, but unlike most - I have one.
With every effect there is a cause, with every cause there is a reaction and to every reaction there is an outcome. With every bullet that has hit me, with every reaction I have shown it has brought me to the place I am now.
No matter where you are in life, no matter the situation, no matter the happiness or pain - There will continue to be bullets, there will continue to be reactions and affects. Although some you can not dodge, others you can - So choose wisely and when you have no choice in the bullet you were hit with always remember there is a rainbow at the end of the storm with the sun begins to shine again.
Love always -
Jessica
Times like these make me want to go stand in the rain, and feel every drop against my skin, giving the story of that single raindrop another chapter. To some this may not make any sense at all, but to me - it is everything. In life we are on a path that is given to us, but this path can easily be distorted by the choices we make or the moves we struggle to explain. Did the rain drops have a choice is falling to the ground? Did they have the choice to hit my face? Some bullets you can not dodge. And some bullets are better off not dodged.
As with most people I am sure, my life has been full of bullets, most of which I had the choice to dodge but decided against it, or better yet I made no decision at all and allowed myself to be hit. Most would say I deserved it, some would say why not move an inch to the left and free myself of the pain many have caused; although my response is not simple, but unlike most - I have one.
With every effect there is a cause, with every cause there is a reaction and to every reaction there is an outcome. With every bullet that has hit me, with every reaction I have shown it has brought me to the place I am now.
No matter where you are in life, no matter the situation, no matter the happiness or pain - There will continue to be bullets, there will continue to be reactions and affects. Although some you can not dodge, others you can - So choose wisely and when you have no choice in the bullet you were hit with always remember there is a rainbow at the end of the storm with the sun begins to shine again.
Love always -
Jessica
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Dear Diary 5.20.2010
Dear Diary,
Every day is a new day - regardless if we want it or not. What if we didnt want tomorrow to end? What if we wanted to go back to yesterday or a month ago for just a moment - I guess thats what memories are for. So - Today is it, its time to find myself again. Its weird how having someone leave your side that you have strong feelings for - makes your mind go crazy and makes you physically sick. Well - As today was brought on regardless of if I wanted to stay in yesterday - Tomorrow will do the same and I will find myself getting used to being alone again... everything takes time - everything happens weither or not we want it go...
So - May 12th was my One Year Post Op from Gastric Bypass - I have lost a considerable amount - not only weight but many more things as well... Let me see:
I have lost an abusive relationship
I have lost most of the ties that my low self esteem strapped to my feet
I have lost some painful memories that this weight showed
I have lost a life that once comforted my every move...
I have gained - a New self Image.
I have gained - a New want from life.
I have gained - a New Life...
Its amazing how 200 pounds of fat can swallow you whole... It makes you see/feel/hear/be someone you are not... It made me feel like life wasnt worth living - I went from someone who didnt want to wake up in the morning to someone that is excited to see what day "In the life of Jessica Burbank" has to offer... No matter what - good or bad, it is worth experiencing... simply because.
So - I am learning to be okay by myself, this is something I have always struggled with and it is painful for me.... but it is something that I need to learn to do because the entire time I was bigger I thought to myself I need someone, I never thought I could make it alone - Now is my chance to feel - Now is my time to see that I can wake up alone, go to sleep alone, walk out the door - alone. And I will survive... Just is taking a little longer than I thought for me to see that. Its hard though, knowing I am in love with someone who is 10 hours away, but it is easier knowing he loves me too.
Anyways, I am done with the book - 545am comes early, and I need to work so - Goodnight world!
Jessica
Every day is a new day - regardless if we want it or not. What if we didnt want tomorrow to end? What if we wanted to go back to yesterday or a month ago for just a moment - I guess thats what memories are for. So - Today is it, its time to find myself again. Its weird how having someone leave your side that you have strong feelings for - makes your mind go crazy and makes you physically sick. Well - As today was brought on regardless of if I wanted to stay in yesterday - Tomorrow will do the same and I will find myself getting used to being alone again... everything takes time - everything happens weither or not we want it go...
So - May 12th was my One Year Post Op from Gastric Bypass - I have lost a considerable amount - not only weight but many more things as well... Let me see:
I have lost an abusive relationship
I have lost most of the ties that my low self esteem strapped to my feet
I have lost some painful memories that this weight showed
I have lost a life that once comforted my every move...
I have gained - a New self Image.
I have gained - a New want from life.
I have gained - a New Life...
Its amazing how 200 pounds of fat can swallow you whole... It makes you see/feel/hear/be someone you are not... It made me feel like life wasnt worth living - I went from someone who didnt want to wake up in the morning to someone that is excited to see what day "In the life of Jessica Burbank" has to offer... No matter what - good or bad, it is worth experiencing... simply because.
So - I am learning to be okay by myself, this is something I have always struggled with and it is painful for me.... but it is something that I need to learn to do because the entire time I was bigger I thought to myself I need someone, I never thought I could make it alone - Now is my chance to feel - Now is my time to see that I can wake up alone, go to sleep alone, walk out the door - alone. And I will survive... Just is taking a little longer than I thought for me to see that. Its hard though, knowing I am in love with someone who is 10 hours away, but it is easier knowing he loves me too.
Anyways, I am done with the book - 545am comes early, and I need to work so - Goodnight world!
Jessica
Monday, May 17, 2010
Dear Diary 5.17.2010
Dear Diary,
So... Beau came home today, it was refreshing, I think it was perfect timing. I really needed to feel his touch, kiss his lips, and hear him tell me he loves me while I am able to watch his lips move. I loved every second of hugging him for the first time when I pulled up to the airport.... It was certainly - for lack of better words... Nice.
So now we are like we were before, he is relaxing, I am just outta my bath sitting inches from him and relaxing as well. It brings me back to a comforting place that is not there when he isnt...
As for my weightloss, it stopped and I gained a couple pounds after he left... But I am on it, I am going to start walking at the park after work everyday and start watching what I eat better - It is a goal and I am commited...
As for everything else - I have made my deposit for my plastics and now I know thats the road I am taking... unless God has other choices *wink*
Goodnight world - I am off to fall asleep in my babe's arms!
Jess
So... Beau came home today, it was refreshing, I think it was perfect timing. I really needed to feel his touch, kiss his lips, and hear him tell me he loves me while I am able to watch his lips move. I loved every second of hugging him for the first time when I pulled up to the airport.... It was certainly - for lack of better words... Nice.
So now we are like we were before, he is relaxing, I am just outta my bath sitting inches from him and relaxing as well. It brings me back to a comforting place that is not there when he isnt...
As for my weightloss, it stopped and I gained a couple pounds after he left... But I am on it, I am going to start walking at the park after work everyday and start watching what I eat better - It is a goal and I am commited...
As for everything else - I have made my deposit for my plastics and now I know thats the road I am taking... unless God has other choices *wink*
Goodnight world - I am off to fall asleep in my babe's arms!
Jess
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Dear Diary 5.12.10 --- what to do...
Dear Diary,
What do you do when you feel like your head is going to explode with everything running through your mind... What do you do when You feel like not one person would understand... What do you do when you feel like you just want to run away from everything but then you know you cant do that because there are somethings in your life that make you happy.... What do you do when you feel blocked... stuck...
WHat do you do when your life is going in a positive direction so you think, but what if it isnt what you know for sure?
What do you do when your so confused you want to crawl in the closet and just lay there - and when you try that it doesnt help... now what?
WHat do you do when nothing is wrong but you feel like everything is?
The name of my blog is happiness is key - so where is my key? I feel like there is nothing to say... I know I want to shout from the roof tops that I am happy but my heart is broken... like the song says - Its impossible.
What to say? Where to go? I feel like my heart is broken but there is no reason for it. Distance makes the heart grown fonder right? But I think the fear of "its getting easier" makes me wonder if my choices are right...
You know people ask me why do I have such a hard time making decisions - well - the first real decision I ever made was when I was 11 I opted to live with my mother and it developed into one of the worst decisions of my life... and now I feel like I live my life in a lie, trying to make up for my wrong. I struggle with making decisions because it seems like everyone I make is not the right one.
I wish I had an answer to the truth. I wish I knew what made me happy... being alone has given me time to think maybe I should have stopped myself from loving another until I truly loved myself. The question is when will that be? WIll I spend a live time of saddness and anger so deep inside myself? People tell me I should get over it, I tell me I should get over it, but it is not something that is easy to come by.
I am so confused and lost, and stuck, and in pain.... I need to work out my kinks... But there is so many I feel like my life is full or knots I know will never losen, but what if they are strangling my heart?
there is something wrong with someone taking one pill hoping they will fall asleep... and taking another when it doesnt work, laying there and taking another until they passout...
People ask me if I am happy and I lie and say Yes... because a life time of "putting on that smile" seems so easy for those around me... when it just adds another knot to my tangle of webs.
I am going to lay down in hopes that last pill will let me go to sleep.
Goodnight world.
What do you do when you feel like your head is going to explode with everything running through your mind... What do you do when You feel like not one person would understand... What do you do when you feel like you just want to run away from everything but then you know you cant do that because there are somethings in your life that make you happy.... What do you do when you feel blocked... stuck...
WHat do you do when your life is going in a positive direction so you think, but what if it isnt what you know for sure?
What do you do when your so confused you want to crawl in the closet and just lay there - and when you try that it doesnt help... now what?
WHat do you do when nothing is wrong but you feel like everything is?
The name of my blog is happiness is key - so where is my key? I feel like there is nothing to say... I know I want to shout from the roof tops that I am happy but my heart is broken... like the song says - Its impossible.
What to say? Where to go? I feel like my heart is broken but there is no reason for it. Distance makes the heart grown fonder right? But I think the fear of "its getting easier" makes me wonder if my choices are right...
You know people ask me why do I have such a hard time making decisions - well - the first real decision I ever made was when I was 11 I opted to live with my mother and it developed into one of the worst decisions of my life... and now I feel like I live my life in a lie, trying to make up for my wrong. I struggle with making decisions because it seems like everyone I make is not the right one.
I wish I had an answer to the truth. I wish I knew what made me happy... being alone has given me time to think maybe I should have stopped myself from loving another until I truly loved myself. The question is when will that be? WIll I spend a live time of saddness and anger so deep inside myself? People tell me I should get over it, I tell me I should get over it, but it is not something that is easy to come by.
I am so confused and lost, and stuck, and in pain.... I need to work out my kinks... But there is so many I feel like my life is full or knots I know will never losen, but what if they are strangling my heart?
there is something wrong with someone taking one pill hoping they will fall asleep... and taking another when it doesnt work, laying there and taking another until they passout...
People ask me if I am happy and I lie and say Yes... because a life time of "putting on that smile" seems so easy for those around me... when it just adds another knot to my tangle of webs.
I am going to lay down in hopes that last pill will let me go to sleep.
Goodnight world.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Dear Diary 5.11.10
Dear Diary -
Do you ever feel down in the dumps... Not really sure why? Just - Down. Maybe it is bed time... maybe thats it -
Good night world.
Do you ever feel down in the dumps... Not really sure why? Just - Down. Maybe it is bed time... maybe thats it -
Good night world.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Dear Diary 5.5.10
Dear Diary,
Its One of those nights I am thinking... My mind is like a wild fire... it is burning through thoughts and moving on only to brun through more - hard to control and unmanage-able. I am workiong through a lot though - spending so much time alone makes you really get your mind together - so I thought. I guess I am technically doing this but it seems to me that life will never be simple, and things will always happen and the control I like to have is not something I can have...
Have you ever thought about running away? Sometimes I think to myself, what I would give to run away and just start fresh... New Name? New Address? New self? The question I have is - Could I take someone with me?
Sometimes I look at the sky and ask God Why? Why does he do what he does? Can't there be a little explaination? Not because of the bad but maybe all of it... Why does he make things happen the way he does? Why does he line things up for us the way he does? I have always said everything happens for a reason... but why?
I have to be honest here... I said to myself after leaving Joe that I needed space, I needed me time. Then I found Beau - Didnt want to move in with him simply because I knew in my heart that I needed "Me Time."
Then this happens... we have just enough time to know what we feel for one another- and then an opportunity comes up where he has to leave me... seperated by distance and time. It is almost like God knew this would happen and he seperated us with all the distance and time for me to Grow...
My heart is SCREAMING No! But my mind kept saying, Yes - Jessica you need this time to see what he means to you, you need this time to see how much YOU mean to YOU.
Right now I am sitting here in a wooden kitchen chair with my feet up on another with a pop up table next to me, with no furniture in this place... staring at a computer screen thinking, which brings this blog to you. Is this Blog meant to make sense to you? Probably not - it is more of a type what I think Blog...
So - What am I thinking?
I think I know what I want from my life... and I am wondering how do I get from point A to point B.
What do I want from my life? Satisfaction. Happiness yes - this is key, but I am thinking there is something Bigger than Happiness - Satisfaction. It is what brings you to the point of Happiness.
Here is to focusing on ME and my satisfaction from life!!!
Its One of those nights I am thinking... My mind is like a wild fire... it is burning through thoughts and moving on only to brun through more - hard to control and unmanage-able. I am workiong through a lot though - spending so much time alone makes you really get your mind together - so I thought. I guess I am technically doing this but it seems to me that life will never be simple, and things will always happen and the control I like to have is not something I can have...
Have you ever thought about running away? Sometimes I think to myself, what I would give to run away and just start fresh... New Name? New Address? New self? The question I have is - Could I take someone with me?
Sometimes I look at the sky and ask God Why? Why does he do what he does? Can't there be a little explaination? Not because of the bad but maybe all of it... Why does he make things happen the way he does? Why does he line things up for us the way he does? I have always said everything happens for a reason... but why?
I have to be honest here... I said to myself after leaving Joe that I needed space, I needed me time. Then I found Beau - Didnt want to move in with him simply because I knew in my heart that I needed "Me Time."
Then this happens... we have just enough time to know what we feel for one another- and then an opportunity comes up where he has to leave me... seperated by distance and time. It is almost like God knew this would happen and he seperated us with all the distance and time for me to Grow...
My heart is SCREAMING No! But my mind kept saying, Yes - Jessica you need this time to see what he means to you, you need this time to see how much YOU mean to YOU.
Right now I am sitting here in a wooden kitchen chair with my feet up on another with a pop up table next to me, with no furniture in this place... staring at a computer screen thinking, which brings this blog to you. Is this Blog meant to make sense to you? Probably not - it is more of a type what I think Blog...
So - What am I thinking?
I think I know what I want from my life... and I am wondering how do I get from point A to point B.
What do I want from my life? Satisfaction. Happiness yes - this is key, but I am thinking there is something Bigger than Happiness - Satisfaction. It is what brings you to the point of Happiness.
Here is to focusing on ME and my satisfaction from life!!!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Dear Diary 5.3.10 - Beaus Gone?
Dear Diary,
Operation Alabama is in effect! Beau left this morning at 6am boarding to Mobile, Alabama =-( Why you ask? Well he was called on Saturday evening around 4pm and offered a job that we just refuse - So I thought at the time... Whats three months away from each other, we will see each other in a couple weeks and again a few after that I am sure. I guess mentally I thought this would be good because it could help get us in a good place for both of our surgeries, give Beau something to pass the time til his surgery a bit faster, and possibly set us up for other opportunities as well in the future...
My heart kept telling me - NO! DONT LET HIM GO!! But my brain new better and told my heart that it would be okay, that maybe it would be good for us... maybe it will make me stronger basically living on my own again for a little while. Still My heart screams NO! What did you do!!!???!!!
So When we pulled into the airport, all I kept thinking was be strong- dont you dare cry! But I teared up and choked back the tears to say goodbye - unable to look him in the face. As soon as he grabbed his bags and started walking away I started crying uncontrollably... took a few minutes sitting in the front seat of the truck, constantly wipping them away trying to get the ability to see.
Now Im laying here in bed, its 9pm, 8pm his time, and I am still thinking the same thing I thought when I drove away from the airport - "Your so stupid, instead of taking a shower you should have been hugging on him and kissing on him since you know it will be 2 weeks until you see him again." I guess it wasnt until I was driving away did I actually realize what I had agreed to...
In any event I am stuck with my decision to okay it. I know it will be okay, I know I will be okay, and I know we will be stronger because of it.
Even though before I knew that this was the man for me... being away from him makes me realize not only this but that I am positive - I would not want to live without him.
I love this man more than I have ever loved anything in the world, and I am counting down the days until the 19th when I can see him again. I Love You Baby.
Jess
Btw - Beef Jerky in the bags is okay... Beef Jerky Mystery Meat sticks - NOT OK!
Operation Alabama is in effect! Beau left this morning at 6am boarding to Mobile, Alabama =-( Why you ask? Well he was called on Saturday evening around 4pm and offered a job that we just refuse - So I thought at the time... Whats three months away from each other, we will see each other in a couple weeks and again a few after that I am sure. I guess mentally I thought this would be good because it could help get us in a good place for both of our surgeries, give Beau something to pass the time til his surgery a bit faster, and possibly set us up for other opportunities as well in the future...
My heart kept telling me - NO! DONT LET HIM GO!! But my brain new better and told my heart that it would be okay, that maybe it would be good for us... maybe it will make me stronger basically living on my own again for a little while. Still My heart screams NO! What did you do!!!???!!!
So When we pulled into the airport, all I kept thinking was be strong- dont you dare cry! But I teared up and choked back the tears to say goodbye - unable to look him in the face. As soon as he grabbed his bags and started walking away I started crying uncontrollably... took a few minutes sitting in the front seat of the truck, constantly wipping them away trying to get the ability to see.
Now Im laying here in bed, its 9pm, 8pm his time, and I am still thinking the same thing I thought when I drove away from the airport - "Your so stupid, instead of taking a shower you should have been hugging on him and kissing on him since you know it will be 2 weeks until you see him again." I guess it wasnt until I was driving away did I actually realize what I had agreed to...
In any event I am stuck with my decision to okay it. I know it will be okay, I know I will be okay, and I know we will be stronger because of it.
Even though before I knew that this was the man for me... being away from him makes me realize not only this but that I am positive - I would not want to live without him.
I love this man more than I have ever loved anything in the world, and I am counting down the days until the 19th when I can see him again. I Love You Baby.
Jess
Btw - Beef Jerky in the bags is okay... Beef Jerky Mystery Meat sticks - NOT OK!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Happy B-Day to me!! Diary Entry - April 26th 2010
Dear Diary!!
Happy Bday to me!! I cant believe this past year of my existance. It has been the most amazing year of my life. In one year, I have lost all this weight, I have met my soul mate, I have re-connected with someone near and dear to my heart, I have met ms Shawna, I have gotten a good job, I have gotten my life on a track I have been waiting for my entire life. Who says wishing on stars doesn't work ... They are wrong - It does.
The new lease on life -
Losing weight seems so simple to most people, they dont realize the effect it has on the person, and society around them. I feel accepted. Not only by myself... I accept who I am now. I see that I am beautiful and I do deserve a good life. Before when I was miserable I expected what I got which was shit. Now I dont expect anything but the best and thats what I am getting. Expecting the best is not wrong - and I finally see that. Society - What an amazing feeling it is to be accepted by society. I can walk down the street eatting something and no one really looks and stares at me. In the recent months I have been hit on more times than I can remember and it makes my jaw drop. One man even tried pumping my gas and he paid for it!!
My SoulMate -
Yes I am sure you guys hear of him nearly too much, but you dont understand what it is for me to say honestly, hands down, this man completes me. I have never been as happy as I am right now. Everyone says, we are perfect for one another, his personality fits everything I have ever wanted from a man, it - simply put - completes my personality. I am soo in love.
New age, new years, starts at 10:08Am. This year - I am going to strive for me.... Sitting here on this balcony, watching the ocean water slam against the sand I think to myself..... I am making my wishes on myself. I am what the stars to me - used to be. They used to be consistant, always their even if I couldnt see them, I knew they were there so making a wish on this seemed perfect. Now - I can depend on myself. I am as strong and as beautiful as the stars are... I will be making this years wishes - On ME!
Happy B-day to me, here is to a NEW year of bigger and better things, accomplishments, and the second year of my new life.
Heres to being TWO!
Jessica
Happy Bday to me!! I cant believe this past year of my existance. It has been the most amazing year of my life. In one year, I have lost all this weight, I have met my soul mate, I have re-connected with someone near and dear to my heart, I have met ms Shawna, I have gotten a good job, I have gotten my life on a track I have been waiting for my entire life. Who says wishing on stars doesn't work ... They are wrong - It does.
The new lease on life -
Losing weight seems so simple to most people, they dont realize the effect it has on the person, and society around them. I feel accepted. Not only by myself... I accept who I am now. I see that I am beautiful and I do deserve a good life. Before when I was miserable I expected what I got which was shit. Now I dont expect anything but the best and thats what I am getting. Expecting the best is not wrong - and I finally see that. Society - What an amazing feeling it is to be accepted by society. I can walk down the street eatting something and no one really looks and stares at me. In the recent months I have been hit on more times than I can remember and it makes my jaw drop. One man even tried pumping my gas and he paid for it!!
My SoulMate -
Yes I am sure you guys hear of him nearly too much, but you dont understand what it is for me to say honestly, hands down, this man completes me. I have never been as happy as I am right now. Everyone says, we are perfect for one another, his personality fits everything I have ever wanted from a man, it - simply put - completes my personality. I am soo in love.
New age, new years, starts at 10:08Am. This year - I am going to strive for me.... Sitting here on this balcony, watching the ocean water slam against the sand I think to myself..... I am making my wishes on myself. I am what the stars to me - used to be. They used to be consistant, always their even if I couldnt see them, I knew they were there so making a wish on this seemed perfect. Now - I can depend on myself. I am as strong and as beautiful as the stars are... I will be making this years wishes - On ME!
Happy B-day to me, here is to a NEW year of bigger and better things, accomplishments, and the second year of my new life.
Heres to being TWO!
Jessica
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Dear Diary April 8th 2010
Dear Diary,
So... I was just sitting here at work thinking about my weightloss so far - where I want to be and how I need to get there. I am 3.4-5.4 pounds away from being in One-derland. I have been stuck here for a couple months now. It think it is time for me to make a move - change my ways... and progress to goal. Every goal I have ever made for myself I have let it slip through my fingertips. Every single time! It isnt like I am miles from goal, I wait until I am just in arms reach from goal and I throw it under the table.
A couple quotes that have got me to the thought process I am at now:
"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill
"If you do not know where you are going. How can you expect to get there?" - Basil S. Walsh
"Plenty of people have missed their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it." - William Feather
So, I have a goal. I am not throwing it under the table, I have decided to move forth... for once in my life I will make my goal. - BEFORE my birthday - April 26th 2010.
I have 18 days to make goal - See ONE-DerLAND!!!!
Jessica
So... I was just sitting here at work thinking about my weightloss so far - where I want to be and how I need to get there. I am 3.4-5.4 pounds away from being in One-derland. I have been stuck here for a couple months now. It think it is time for me to make a move - change my ways... and progress to goal. Every goal I have ever made for myself I have let it slip through my fingertips. Every single time! It isnt like I am miles from goal, I wait until I am just in arms reach from goal and I throw it under the table.
A couple quotes that have got me to the thought process I am at now:
"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill
"If you do not know where you are going. How can you expect to get there?" - Basil S. Walsh
"Plenty of people have missed their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it." - William Feather
So, I have a goal. I am not throwing it under the table, I have decided to move forth... for once in my life I will make my goal. - BEFORE my birthday - April 26th 2010.
I have 18 days to make goal - See ONE-DerLAND!!!!
Jessica
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Diary Entry 4-7-2010
Dear Diary,
Today makes 19 days til my 27th birthday! 27... I can't believe it. I know I shouldnt be in shock about turning 27, I mean every year you get a year older but it seems like I am getting a little wiser - maybe a little more intune with what I want from life... So a Year older and a Year wiser! This year of my life has been absolutely amazing. I turned 26 and 2 weeks later I had Gastric Bypass surgery. Lost use of my legs, gained them back with a lot of work and pain, in August I met an amazing man, and Novemeber we moved in together to really get to know one another. We have been together 8 months as of April 30th. Our lives have quickly became a web, and I am not sure I care to remove myself from the web.
There comes a time in your life where you have to make decisions that have always scared you - decisions to grow up... decisions to find Mr Right... the decisions on a career, a family, hobbies... everything.
I have been so scared of making these decisions all of my life, and I think that is based on the fact I have never loved myself or thought well enough of myself to think I deserved what I hav always desired...
I have made some decisions - and the results are on their way.....
*Smiles*
Jessica
Today makes 19 days til my 27th birthday! 27... I can't believe it. I know I shouldnt be in shock about turning 27, I mean every year you get a year older but it seems like I am getting a little wiser - maybe a little more intune with what I want from life... So a Year older and a Year wiser! This year of my life has been absolutely amazing. I turned 26 and 2 weeks later I had Gastric Bypass surgery. Lost use of my legs, gained them back with a lot of work and pain, in August I met an amazing man, and Novemeber we moved in together to really get to know one another. We have been together 8 months as of April 30th. Our lives have quickly became a web, and I am not sure I care to remove myself from the web.
There comes a time in your life where you have to make decisions that have always scared you - decisions to grow up... decisions to find Mr Right... the decisions on a career, a family, hobbies... everything.
I have been so scared of making these decisions all of my life, and I think that is based on the fact I have never loved myself or thought well enough of myself to think I deserved what I hav always desired...
I have made some decisions - and the results are on their way.....
*Smiles*
Jessica
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Diary Entry 3.28.2010
Dear Diary,
So, I have some updating to do - Don't I? Well, last Monday I went to my primary care and we went over a lot of different things. In the end he offered me a b-12 shot that I think really helped me a lot. I certainly feel different. Tomorrow I will get my second dose, which I am very excited about. It is amazing how the body works... missing certain vitamins makes your body and mind do some crazy things.
Work - Going well... as good as it is going to get with training. Having to work closely with 20 people everyday can make for some difficult times but I am sure once we get out of training it will be easier. Besides that I am excited to be working, and being stuck to a schedule makes me a happy person.
Health - As I said before I got the B-12 shot, and I am starting to feel better, I think with the blood work and getting the additional health things worked out will make things easier for me. Struggling with my health for so long - it is an amazing feeling getting the kinks worked out. I went to my plastic surgery appointment and my doctor is going to try to get me approved for the tummy surgery. Which takes me into the family -
Famiy - I have debated for a while now, do I want to get plastic surgery and be forced to wait out the 2 years to have children? I am wishy washy on this... and I know I need to really figure it out. Honestly though, I would hate to go through the surgery and then get pregnant and then have my stomach stretch back out. BUT on the other hand, I want to have it and be able to go to the beach and do things I have never been able to do... which would be hard having a child. So that kind of puts me in a position where - Just like making a career choice, I am in need of making a personal live choice.
I get to these roads and I dont know where to turn so I push along the "Need to make a decision" mode as long as I possibly can so I dont have to make the choice. I have to come to terms with the fact I am getting older, and I am at the place in my life where these choices need to be made or I will be in a dead end job for the rest of my life and childless - and with being childless I will probably be boyfriend or husbandless. I just dont know what I am doing.
I wish I knew the plan that God has for me, I feel like I am running in place and making no sudden moves - not wanting to mess up where I am because I am ok. But I need to shake the boat in order to move ahead with my life.
I know more than anything in the world I want a husband and children - Is it my time to start this process? Should I focus on bettering myself and me before jumping ship into a sea of "family life?"
Today Beau and I slept as late as we could then went out to the mall and out for dinner and then came back home to relax. Well - I relaxed and he worked on the truck. Tomorrow I have my doctors appointment and then I think I am going to come home and try to set up an appointment with a person I can talk to - to maybe helped me straighten out all the turns in my life that I have yet to make decisions on - they are piling up and it scares me.
I feel like my thoughts are all over the place and it sucks. I need to figure myself out - How could anyone want to be with someone who doesnt even know what they are doing!
New Goal - Figure it out!
Second New Goal - Remind myself daily I am not the 400 pound person I see in the Mirror - No one sees me that way so I should see myself that way either.
Third New Goal - Stop getting mad at Beau for nothing - My anger issues have nothing to do with him - channel it elsewhere.
Final thought of the day -
" Life is only as pleasurable as you allow it to be." Therefore - if I dont take anything for granted - Everything will be exciting and pleasurable.
So - Beau... Today in the mall you said I looked like I was lost because I was looking around. Did you notice the smile on my face? I wasnt taking for granted that moment... I was extremely content holding your hand and just looking at everything. IE - not taking for granted the moments of extreme bliss and calmness you bring to my life daily. I love you.
Goodnight world!
So, I have some updating to do - Don't I? Well, last Monday I went to my primary care and we went over a lot of different things. In the end he offered me a b-12 shot that I think really helped me a lot. I certainly feel different. Tomorrow I will get my second dose, which I am very excited about. It is amazing how the body works... missing certain vitamins makes your body and mind do some crazy things.
Work - Going well... as good as it is going to get with training. Having to work closely with 20 people everyday can make for some difficult times but I am sure once we get out of training it will be easier. Besides that I am excited to be working, and being stuck to a schedule makes me a happy person.
Health - As I said before I got the B-12 shot, and I am starting to feel better, I think with the blood work and getting the additional health things worked out will make things easier for me. Struggling with my health for so long - it is an amazing feeling getting the kinks worked out. I went to my plastic surgery appointment and my doctor is going to try to get me approved for the tummy surgery. Which takes me into the family -
Famiy - I have debated for a while now, do I want to get plastic surgery and be forced to wait out the 2 years to have children? I am wishy washy on this... and I know I need to really figure it out. Honestly though, I would hate to go through the surgery and then get pregnant and then have my stomach stretch back out. BUT on the other hand, I want to have it and be able to go to the beach and do things I have never been able to do... which would be hard having a child. So that kind of puts me in a position where - Just like making a career choice, I am in need of making a personal live choice.
I get to these roads and I dont know where to turn so I push along the "Need to make a decision" mode as long as I possibly can so I dont have to make the choice. I have to come to terms with the fact I am getting older, and I am at the place in my life where these choices need to be made or I will be in a dead end job for the rest of my life and childless - and with being childless I will probably be boyfriend or husbandless. I just dont know what I am doing.
I wish I knew the plan that God has for me, I feel like I am running in place and making no sudden moves - not wanting to mess up where I am because I am ok. But I need to shake the boat in order to move ahead with my life.
I know more than anything in the world I want a husband and children - Is it my time to start this process? Should I focus on bettering myself and me before jumping ship into a sea of "family life?"
Today Beau and I slept as late as we could then went out to the mall and out for dinner and then came back home to relax. Well - I relaxed and he worked on the truck. Tomorrow I have my doctors appointment and then I think I am going to come home and try to set up an appointment with a person I can talk to - to maybe helped me straighten out all the turns in my life that I have yet to make decisions on - they are piling up and it scares me.
I feel like my thoughts are all over the place and it sucks. I need to figure myself out - How could anyone want to be with someone who doesnt even know what they are doing!
New Goal - Figure it out!
Second New Goal - Remind myself daily I am not the 400 pound person I see in the Mirror - No one sees me that way so I should see myself that way either.
Third New Goal - Stop getting mad at Beau for nothing - My anger issues have nothing to do with him - channel it elsewhere.
Final thought of the day -
" Life is only as pleasurable as you allow it to be." Therefore - if I dont take anything for granted - Everything will be exciting and pleasurable.
So - Beau... Today in the mall you said I looked like I was lost because I was looking around. Did you notice the smile on my face? I wasnt taking for granted that moment... I was extremely content holding your hand and just looking at everything. IE - not taking for granted the moments of extreme bliss and calmness you bring to my life daily. I love you.
Goodnight world!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Diary entry 3.18.2010
Dear Diary,
So I had to go to the hospital on tuesday morning around 7am... I was struggling - whatever was caught in my stomach made it so that I could barely breathe. after a day of pain meds and waiting around I got moved to another hospital where I stayed the night and the next day they went in and checked things out. So everything went well and I am home now - trying to relax!
So Beau went to see his family, 5 hours away from me, and I dont know when he will return AHHHHHH Im sad cuz I love going with him on trips and stuff, it is so relaxing, but I know it is good for him to spend time alone with his friends and family, and time apart always grows relationships. I love being with that man, diary - he makes me the happiest woman ALIVE!
Anyways, I am relaxing and getting ready for bed, til tomorrow diary!
Good Night world!
So I had to go to the hospital on tuesday morning around 7am... I was struggling - whatever was caught in my stomach made it so that I could barely breathe. after a day of pain meds and waiting around I got moved to another hospital where I stayed the night and the next day they went in and checked things out. So everything went well and I am home now - trying to relax!
So Beau went to see his family, 5 hours away from me, and I dont know when he will return AHHHHHH Im sad cuz I love going with him on trips and stuff, it is so relaxing, but I know it is good for him to spend time alone with his friends and family, and time apart always grows relationships. I love being with that man, diary - he makes me the happiest woman ALIVE!
Anyways, I am relaxing and getting ready for bed, til tomorrow diary!
Good Night world!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Diary Entry 3.12.2010
Dear Diary,
So I started work a couple weeks ago, so I havent really taken the time to write, I know, I am super behind! I have to get up at 5 - 530 in the morning, but the past few days I barely get up before 6am... its tiring having to be there at 7am and working til 4, I mean getting out at 4 is cool because I beat the traffic, but getting up at 6am really is killing me - considering I am NOT a morning person.
Anyways enough bitching. It is great working with people again and socializing - although it made me see I feel like I am the only one in my class of 20 something, everyone is around my age, I am like the only one Not Married, and No kids. Its a real eye opener when I talk about going to go out and they talk about their kids or Husband or their wives. Its a little odd I guess. But I know in time my turn will come I am sure.
So I have been on edge trying to get back in the grove of working and trying to balance that and a home life - I have never been a good one at Balancing anything, so It reminds me I have issues there.
I have to try to focus on things and for me thats difficult. I feel like I am going to drop the ball on one or the other because I am either too quick to say the first thing that comes to my mind (even if it isnt what I really mean) or I neglect to think about others.
I dont know, I feel like my plate is over loaded and I dont know what to do with it - throw it? Scares me that I will fail at one or the other when I know I want both. I guess I have to figure things out... Maybe a bath will help, a good ol thinking bath...
Good Night all
Jess
So I started work a couple weeks ago, so I havent really taken the time to write, I know, I am super behind! I have to get up at 5 - 530 in the morning, but the past few days I barely get up before 6am... its tiring having to be there at 7am and working til 4, I mean getting out at 4 is cool because I beat the traffic, but getting up at 6am really is killing me - considering I am NOT a morning person.
Anyways enough bitching. It is great working with people again and socializing - although it made me see I feel like I am the only one in my class of 20 something, everyone is around my age, I am like the only one Not Married, and No kids. Its a real eye opener when I talk about going to go out and they talk about their kids or Husband or their wives. Its a little odd I guess. But I know in time my turn will come I am sure.
So I have been on edge trying to get back in the grove of working and trying to balance that and a home life - I have never been a good one at Balancing anything, so It reminds me I have issues there.
I have to try to focus on things and for me thats difficult. I feel like I am going to drop the ball on one or the other because I am either too quick to say the first thing that comes to my mind (even if it isnt what I really mean) or I neglect to think about others.
I dont know, I feel like my plate is over loaded and I dont know what to do with it - throw it? Scares me that I will fail at one or the other when I know I want both. I guess I have to figure things out... Maybe a bath will help, a good ol thinking bath...
Good Night all
Jess
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